Missionary Sex has Moved On

I don’t usually write about sex because I think I need more practice at it. Yes I have written sexual explicit passages in the past, particularly in ‘Sicilian Channel’. My books have themes set around the sea, and in that particular story I wrote explicitly about a session in the cockpit of a yacht at anchor in Crete.

An unexpected consequence was that one of my key readers (bang in the middle of my target demographic) said that the scene embarrassed him.

I’m married to his mother in law, but surely that shouldn’t make a difference?

He is a chartered surveyor, so I guess that maybe some of the mobile non-missionary practices I described did not entirely measure up to his yardstick.

But then again, maybe he has something about his mother-in-law.

I live, write and practice sex on a boat

That’s one of the great things about living on a boat, even Missionary Sex has plenty of movement for the bottom person. Open air sex on the wide ocean on a sunny day with the dolphins playing along is an experience not to be missed, a cockpit fantasy come true.

I’m getting carried away now, as you do.

Vanilla is the new missionary

That’s the point of this story which was triggered by a piece in today’s South China Morning Post. Now, when I was a schoolboy there were all sorts of jokes about Chinese ladies, none of which I can possibly repeat here, despite the fact that Medium has some pretty racy content.

Anyway, the SCMP story was headlined:

‘Sex is no longer taboo, and it’s thanks to social media that the conversation around sexuality is more open than ever before’

Well, that was a surprise. What have the Chinese been up to for the last twenty years? Oh, right. The government controls their social media, I forgot.

Then the story gets down and dirty:

Recently, some on social media have started a trend of “vanilla sex shaming”, or ridiculing those who enjoy conventional sex — devoid of kink or fetishes.

One man’s vanilla stick is another woman’s cherry and I don’t mind a bit of funny stuff now and again. But eggs and flour? No thank you. And not chocolate either. Other vanilla recipe images are available, but I like the picture of the eggs.

I was brought up in a dairy (no, raised not vomited) and I’ve always had a thing about cream, nowadays preferring the modern squirty kind from an aerosol, although it’s hard to find the one without sugar.

Other than that I stay away from aerosols.

It gets worse in the Post story:

Many relationships thrive when partners engage in “vanilla sex”, but some couples enjoy more unconventional alternatives, like swinging, threesomes, polyamory, BDSM or role play.

I’ve clearly got some research to do. BDSM? WTF is that?

Well, I just found out from Wikipedia:

Ropes and knots. Why the hell would I tie someone up? They couldn’t move could they? Where would be the fun in that?

But I do live on a boat and use knots and ropes every day. Hmm. I’ll give it some thought.

And it gets worse. Gobstoppers! How could we have dirty talk? (I admit to that):

This is really filthy weather we’re sailing into.

Embarrassment prevents me from probing the BDSM subject deeper on a pubic platform, I don't want a lashing.

Anyway, TikTok and the source story (source NOT sauce). I don’t know much about this TikTok except that it’s another way of screwing people for money. Hmm, again. This is making me think. Is that a fetish?

Don’t the Chinese have laws against that? Thinking?

I guess they do. After all, it’s said that the brain is our largest sexual organ.

And screwing people for money? Laws again.

And no, I’m not a complete dork. I researched the subject when I was younger — I read the book and saw the film. I know what Coca Cola is good for.

I guess the book never got translated into Chinese.

ps: I just tagged this story and discovered that there are 5.4k stories tagged BDSM. Shit, there’s a lot of it about.

Maybe I’m missing something. More research required.

Anyway read the Morning Post story for the complete lowdown. And no, I have no affiliation, just a morbid curiosity about all things Chinese. Well, nearly all.

And seriously, the story tells me that the Chinese are way way behind the ‘enlightened West’. We’ve been talking about this stuff for years. I think. Oops.

After all that I'm going for a lie down, but first I need to tie up...my boat. And call for the First Mate.

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Canonical Link: This story was first published in Medium on 11 April 2022 [edited]