Lifting. Part 1

The humming of cicadas had silenced the sound of his car door slamming shut, meanwhile the lights still shined in hers. Brimming with hesitation, he'd prepared himself to walk over. Lifting the handle the noise of the SUV's light greeted him as the door peeled open. Stepping inside, a soft *thump* closed behind him. Taking in a deep breath, he nervously asked, “Why are we doing this when we both know that we shouldn’t?”

“Well, you did seem ever-persistent,” Joane replied.

“My family'll kill me if they ever find out,” Lucian sighed. “Did you tell your parents about this?”

“No,” she said, “my phone’s still at my house and I ran the battery down before stuffing it between the couch cushions. That way my parents can’t track me and so it’ll look like an accident too.”

“Sounds like you’ve thought of everything, haven’t cha’? Well, that’s good, I guess now we just need to get everything out in the open.”

He turned to face her, trying to make eye contact. Joane blushed and darted her head away, fixated on the floor. “Well, what are we going to do?”

He gathered his composure in one short breath, “I think you know we already agreed to tell each other everything.” Glancing down, he slowly moved his right hand towards her. Catching it in the corner of her eye, she reached over and grasped it within her left.

“What if it’s not for the best?” Her head hanged dejectedly.

“I understand how you feel. I’m uneasy about this too. I just… I just don’t want to live with any more regrets. You know? We’re always going to have different paths in life, but maybe it’s time we’d start being more active in choosing them instead of just letting them pass us by.” She looked up a little. “Finally, eye contact,” he thought.

“I… I don’t know where to start,” Joane stuttered.

“If you don’t, then I guess I have to,” Lucian began. Taking in another deep breath, he steeled himself, quelling his nerves. Not wanting to just vomit the words, he thought not just with his mind but also his heart. Clasping her hand in both of his, he turned to face her. “Joane, ever since I saw you, I wanted to know more about you. I may not have always wanted to be your friend, but that’s because I’ve always wanted you as more than just a friend. I felt like there was always more to you than meets the eye. I don’t know whether it’s in your walk, your hair, or your eyes. Yet, sometimes when you look at me with them, I feel terrible because it seems like their innocence is always judging me.” She smiled, well at least she tried to. “Alright, that’s all I got for now. You’re up,” he said.

“Well, it’s just that… I like you, Lucian. Ever since that time we danced, along with all those other times we talked in the hallway. Especially when we had lunch together. On days when you were absent from school, I’d go looking for you when I couldn’t see you.” She paused; he could feel her hand trembling in his. Like a newborn fawn, it appeared that she started to shake all over. “I know we shouldn’t be doing this Lucian, but why does something so bad feel so right?”

“I don’t know, and I’ll probably never know the answer to that question. In all honesty, I hope I never do, but right now though, I want to tell you everything.” She looked at him and leaned in closer. “Joane, remember when I said I was worried about liking you?”

“Yeah,” she responded “I remember what you said. You did think it was weird that-,”

“I would end up have a crush on one of my sister’s friends, especially for your age. In fact, after we were told not to talk to each other last year I thought I could just move along.”

“Like the song from The All-American Rejects that you sent me in a text message?”

“Yeah,” he was surprised that she remembered. He never thought she even listened to the song. “Besides that, I just felt awkward about the idea of dating somebody close to my sister’s age. I tried to keep the dating age within a year or so of mine .”

“Fat lot of good that did ya’,” she responded with a chuckle.

“What,” he awkwardly laughed “you’re a cutie.” His finger approached the side of her face, gingerly lifting a lock of hair behind her ear. “Remember when I first did this?”

“Yeah,” she said “it was at a track meet. You that was something you always wanted to do. I also remember that it was cold, and you said something else that evening.” Lucian thought he knew what she was talking about.

“Care to you enlighten me, please,” Lucian asked.

“Well, I was asking about what to do before my race started. You instructed me about warming up, dynamic stretches, and after all that, after you said the last thing, it took you a second.”

“Oh no,” Lucian thought “she does remember.”

“If I recall correctly that phrase went along the lines of ‘and then you take off your clothes.’” Joane’s eyes were shut tight in laughter. If Lucian ever had the grace to blush now would be the time to do so, sadly he’d never learned.

“Man, we wanted to unveil our emotions, getting everything off our chests. We can’t do that if we keep reminiscing.” Looking at her giggling still. He waited for her to calm down and gather her composure. “I feel like we should keep moving forward. The past that we had was great, tempting, and enticing, but things are different now. Shall we continue?”

Nodding her head in aggreement, she answered, “Yes.”

Laying his back up against the seat, he took in a great sigh. Looking up at the ceiling he continued onward with lifting the weight of words and emotions up off his chest. As he did so, each and every breath became easier. “Truth is Joane, I lusted after you. There’s been so many times when I imagined holding you in my arms, cuddling you, embracing you and your bodily warmth. I was afraid that you’d be emotionally immature, unready for the burden of such emotional responsibility for yourself, let alone myself too. I feared of taking your innocence from you; I don’t want to persuade you. I want you to want me as I am. I want you as you are, not Joane who’s just trying to please some guy she’s crushing on.” Her hands held tight in her lap. She jostled her arms a little and settled down in anticipation for what else he had to say. “I really do like you, I just thought that we needed to be apart to realize that a first relationship shouldn’t be a long-distance one.”

“Your school’s only two hours away,” she responded.

“It’s still considered to be a long-distance relationship if we can’t readily be there with each other when we want to,” his response was sullen, but truthful.

“You’re right,” she said.

“Its fine, besides I thought I had only one preference all along, but it turns out that I’ve been repressing another out of fear.”

“I remember what you’re talking about. Still, do you actually find me, or girls like me attractive,” she asked.

“You already know the answer to this,” Lucian thought to himself. “No, I’m attracted to women like you, not girls. Besides that, I felt terrible when I’ve committed other actions.”

“Such as?”

“I’d rather not say,” Lucian responded. “It’s not something somebody should speak of to a young lady.”

“Listen,” Joane said “whenever there was a love story playing on music or tv my mind always thought about you. Hell, I’ve had sleepless nights where all I could think about was you. It’s embarrassing to say, but I am attracted to you, Lucian, sexually. I have had those thoughts about you, myself. The lustful ones, that is. So, I don’t care if you ended up seeing some girl on the internet and she reminded you of me. Trust me the conversations the other boys at school have disgust me. You walk down the hallway and all you hear about is sex stories and having a ‘pornographic’ memory instead of a ‘photographic’ one.” He looked at her as if she had removed one of the biggest burdens ever. She looked away after saying that. Her eyes fixated on the floor of the SUV and her cheeks having flushed a bright cherry-red. The look of flustering embarrassment on her face made her even cuter, heck in the SUV’s roof-light, she looked downright gorgeous.

“I thought you liked me, but that’s the first time I’ve ever heard you expressed your desire for me, to me,” Lucian said. He was happy she said that. For years he didn’t know whether to feel ashamed of his actions because of the religion, the house rules, or the school he grew up in. He knew there was nothing wrong with attraction, but he felt like he had always disgraced himself when he had viewed pornography or had undressed a woman with his eyes. Finally, somebody else that he could feel vulnerable with mentioned how natural it was to desire the flesh to such a degree. The images, scents, the tactical response of physical touch, tastes, it was all pleasing to the senses. He felt at peace with who he truly was then and there, everything was natural, as it should be. The thoughts, the emotions, the vulnerability they were both sharing. All of it was natural. “So, do you honestly do want me?”

“Yes,” Joane stated “you don’t know how badly. I’ve felt like I’ve always been restraining myself whenever I think about you or whenever I’m around you. I can’t take it anymore. I want you Lucian, but I’m still your sister’s friend. You don’t know how much I’ve been kicking myself for falling for you. I can’t just blame it on hormones or biology, but I do like you. I want you; I want you to hold me and tell me that everything’s going to be alright even if we can’t be together!” Her exclamation made it ever clearer. Even if she couldn’t have him, she still wanted him. The release of words and emotions had run its course thoroughly. The sudden out-pour of emotions seemed to have caused Joane to tear up.

“I’ve wanted you too, but I’ve always feared that I’d end up manipulating you, and that’s not the person I want to be! I do want to love you, and make love to you, but I need to make sure that’s your wish as well. I would never want to force my love or companionship onto somebody else. I just want to be accepted for who I am,” Lucia’s head hung between his shoulders, and his back bent forward putting his head further between his legs. “Is this what it’s like to be truly honest? To have some form of love,” he thought. He remembered the discussion he had with his mom. He remembered her calling Joane manipulative and controlling, the kind of woman that leaves countless men heartbroken because she enjoys playing games. Now he didn’t know what to think. Should he follow his own heart, listen to the advice of his greatest benefactor, or go against the wishes of his family? Whatever the answer was he knew he didn’t want to think with his second head. The mockery and scorn he’s felt because of so many men only ever expressing their phallic desires instead of thinking clearly with the head between their shoulders or because they merely lacked the ability to properly articulate their emotions into words. He’s despised the ridicule and hated having people thinking of him as some embodiment of lust incarnate with violent tendencies if ever faced with rejection. All because the actions of the few are projected past the goodness of the many. Now, what was Lucian to think about? Was he supposed to even think at all? Maybe the time for thinking was over? How was he going to act?

“Joane,” Lucian said, “we’ve both come out here a long way, and we’ve both come a long way ourselves in personal growth. I’ve always wanted to ask you; would you prove your love to me. I know we can never have each other completely, but could we have this moment together right now?” As the sweat began to bead from out of his pours, he could feel the anticipation in waiting for her response like the water pressure building in a lawn sprinkler. Incapable of doing anything now except for being patient, his ears hungrily awaited to hear her words grace her lips. “Fear of rejection is worse than rejection,” he thought.