I Am in Bed with My Pornographic Doppelgänger

Life is full of surprises when you open your heart and participate. But, unfortunately, there were long periods in my life when there were very few memories because I chose not to participate in what the Universe has in plan for me.

I would occasionally read messages on Grindr between my writing breaks, the only dating app where my luck never runs dry.

Hey, Hi, Hello.

I read his first message, he said:

Hey

I replied, Hi.

he said;

Sup

I said, “looking, you ?”

Likewise

It could be his choice of words. I say the same thing, “likewise.”

I invited him over, which I don’t usually do in the first few minutes of conversation, and yet for some reason, I asked him, do you want to come over?

He says,

Yes, I'll be there in 30 minutes.

I always do the usual, take a shower, and just be myself. I reckon if the guy walks in, and he doesn't like what he sees, he can go home. Or if I don’t like what I see, I can say, No.

When he arrives, the first thing I notice is he is cuter in person. I do photography, and I know that some can be very photogenic and some are not. The pictures, they don’t tell me much, and besides, there are days, a hookup is just that, I don’t need to meet my prince — yet.

In bed with my pornographic doppelgänger

As soon as we walked to my room and were in bed, he started kissing me, and I kissed back.

I usually don’t. It has been my thing since I watched the Pretty Woman movie;

I don't kiss on the mouth. — Vivian

And then the sweet kisses were followed with us locking eyes, the soft caresses from his hands. He was charming.

It didn’t take long before it became more intense, and my problem has always been my mind wanders when I am having sex.

But this time, I am in the “moment.” The experience is so surreal, almost out of the body, as it was the best sex in a very long time.

Will you still love me tomorrow?

We were still lying on the bed when I asked what songs he listens to? I said, go on, tell Ethan what you want to play;

And he asks, who is Ethan?

And I laughingly introduced Ethan, aka Google Assistant, — my Google Nest Mini speakers.

We were both laughing,

When he said, Hey Google, play me — Will you still love me tomorrow by Amy Winehouse.

And as soon as he said the song's name, I looked at him and said it was one of my favorite songs, and I loved Amy Winehouse’s version from the Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason movie.

He said it is a recent favorite. However, when the movie came out in 2004, he was too young, the man I am with is 25 years old, and I am 52.

As we listened to the song, I lay my head on his chest, and there was silence.

After the song finished, we talked some more, and for so long of a time, the “after sex with hookups” has always been an awkward moment because I didn't want to impose myself on the stranger beside me.

I would usually be the first to break the awkward silence and pretend I have another schedule and that I need to get ready.

It usually ends.

But with this guy, it feels different. Until I asked about his work and why he said he was a mess on the chat.

He opened up and said;

I am not happy with work, and my anxiety levels are way up.

I told him it’s ok not to be ok!

Goodbye

I sometimes dread saying goodbye, especially if I feel a connection. Because most of the time, I never hear from them again.

Like me, most of these guys are on the online dating app to hook up and nothing more.

When we said goodbye, I told him,

Thank you for, (and a long pause)

He smiles and nudges me to say it.

Thank you for the sex.

He smiled again as he went inside his car and turned on the engine, I smiled at him one last time, and he did what could be the last time.

I was standing there until I could no longer see his car.

When I went back to my bed, I asked myself, what am I feeling?

And I realized he was so much like me in demeanor and even in the words he uses.

But he was much better than me when I was his age, he knows what he wants, and he knows how to get it.

A sudden rush of regret came to me that I wished I were like him when I was 25. He kept asking what I wanted earlier in bed, and when I was in the heat of passion, he wanted me to say it aloud.

Even now, and especially in my youth, I speak softly. I keep everything to myself, even the things I want to do in bed.

As I closed my eyes, my last thought was I was in bed with my pornographic doppelgänger, and it was good.