Ethical Non-Monogamy and Vanilla Friends

I am proudly non-monogamous. Mostly proudly.

My wife and I have been, for many years, what sex gurus would call ‘monogamish.’ We play around the edges of non-monogamy — liking sexual play with some ‘special’ friends.

For a long time, we were very secretive about this. Scared of the judgment of friends, other parents, and work colleagues, we kept our relationship choice very discreet and covert. For the most part, this was fine. The details of your sex life aren’t really discussed with colleagues or other parents at school pickup.

But it was awkward with close friends. We have a close group of friends with whom we share pretty much everything. We all speak pretty regularly about sex and our sex lives. We would discuss the rise of non-monogamy, and we would also share some pretty intimate details about our sex lives and sexual histories.

So, with them — these good friends — it felt weird not to be telling them about our (at the time) recent forays into non-monogamy. When asked what we were doing on the weekend, it felt wrong to make up stories to cover because we went to a lifestyle meet and greet. Or how did we explain where we met new friends who were suddenly prominent in our lives but who rarely were at events with our other, older friends?

So we broke down. With a few close friends, we decided to share the fact that we were lightly non-monogamous. It was fascinating — their reactions, and most specifically, the differences in their responses.

The first couple — our closest friends — went great. They were fascinated. It was not something they would/could ever contemplate for themselves, but they had dozens of questions and wanted to hear any stories we were willing to tell. It was really amazing. They wanted to know how we first dipped our toes in or balanced our intimacy against the intimacy we shared with others. And they became more interested in speaking about sexual things with us, telling stories about fantasies and past sexual experiences. And, best of all, they said these discussions reignited their own sex lives, which had been pretty dormant since having had kids.

Couple number two was more of a ‘failure to launch. We started by telling them that we had gone to a clothing-optional beach. We gave no hint beyond that. Simply that we had gone on vacation in the Caribbean and decided to stay at a resort with a clothing-optional beach, their response “it wasn’t one of those awful swinger resorts was it?” They said it with complete disgust, so we immediately dropped the plan of telling them more. To be honest, it made us think a little less of them — made them seem very judging — but we’re still really good friends. We just never discuss anything sexual. Every once in a while they will refer our ‘fun friends’.., so I think they get it.. they just aren’t very interested in it. Which is totally fine… they remain great friends.

Couple number three was the worst, but also the most interesting. They were very close and very old friends. They are amongst our most serious friends… very career and community-minded. But also highly liberal. So we thought it would be fine. It wasn’t. Or, more precisely, her reaction wasn’t. He was okay with it.. even a little fascinated. She, on the other hand — a little bizarre. She’s a doctor.. .and she kind of treated it like we had a disease. She probed a lot, in a pretty serious way, about why we decided to do this, was there something missing we were trying to fill in, were there perhaps other hobbies we could take up instead. She was polite but clearly shaken by it. And the next day, she sent my wife a bunch of web links — not about sex — but about new hobbies to perhaps take up if she was feeling a little bored. Even today, years later, while we remain friends, my wife is still convinced that she ‘sees us differently.’ There is a coldness and a distance that was never there before.

Weaving your vanilla and non-vanilla life together can be tricky. We’re trying to figure out how to do it in a way that is honest about who we are but also respects the values of others. It usually goes quite well.. but there can be challenges as well.