Diary of a Rubber Doll

Day 9

But it is? How do I know just how much time has really passed?

I have no way to distinguish one day from the next.... Just moments of clarity that all seem to blend into each other. Even when I am blind I am awake much of the time. I do not rest.... I wonder if they know that???

Most of the time the voice drones on about what I am now… What I will be forevermore… How do I accept that THIS can NEVER change though???

In my darkest fantasies I had dreamed of this level of submission.... chatted about it online and even role played it online more than once... But... to have it actually happen??? WOW... It is terrifying and glorious at the same time...

I resist, of course, as any normal person would when faced with something that frightens them. But resistance is futile I once heard on a show I used to watch.... How I now felt like one of those creatures on that show... Changed and alien never to be the same again....

The voices speak and it is all I will ever hear again, so it says.... So far it has been right. No matter how hard I try to hear the room around me I hear absolutely nothing. I should hear this bed contraption moving when they reposition me, but I don't. I can FEEL it but never hear it.

In theory this is almost an ideal situation for a "cum slut", as I was accused online of being.... But... this level of helplessness is driving me insane! What I wouldn't give to watch that space show again! I can almost imagine each character in my head... almost hear their voices when the captain says, "make it so".

I have more than enough time now to contemplate the meaning of life and what my life had been... Looking at it now, my life was empty and meaningless. I stayed at home all the time hiding behind an online persona in order to role play the secret fantasies I had. I worked from home so I rarely had to go anywhere. Most of what I needed I ordered online and had it delivered to the house, thus eliminating the need to interact with "real" people very often.

Now though, it was different, but the same in a very strange way. I was isolated within myself but still had to interact with others. I rarely SAW them since they controlled my vision and I most certainly never heard them. I only heard that voice... The one that was seemingly male but filtered through a computer. It always had a metallic sound to it.

In some ways I felt like one of those androids on that show. Every move controlled by a computer, programmed to respond to whatever the input was. That was part of the problem... The only real input I had was of a sexual nature and I craved more... It would have been more humane of them to have wiped my memory and made me much more like a robot than leaving my thoughts intact. I was a prisoner within my own thoughts and there was nothing I could do about it....

No matter how hard I tried I could NOT move my lips. The ring they put in my lips, literally, kept them firmly round and secured on the plug in my mouth. How I hated that plug! I detested oral... In my journals I wrote all the reasons why I detested it. I chatted about it privately many times and the men I chatted with tried to change my views on it... But, now... I do enjoy it to an extent... I actually find it stimulating.... Oddly considering what happened...

I never thought I would EVER enjoy something like this... Never thought I would enjoy the touch of another again... But here I am... Unable to control the orgasms that rip me apart and loving every minute of it, but truly unable to stop resisting it...

Why am I so torn on this? Why can I not just accept what the voice keeps pounding in my brain? Why do I resist every little thing instead of letting go and trying to accept this and learn how to move forward? Maybe part of me realizes this is what turns me on... the resistance....

"Lucy," the voice spoke softly in my brain. That was such a strange sensation. Hearing someone is quite different than the voice actually within your head.

"Today we will walk more, learn to step properly and not look like a horse trotting," the voice spoke. Did that voice realize that walking in these ballet heels was near impossible?

"Today, you will begin to learn to be graceful and beautiful, able to present yourself as such," it droned on, as if I could stop them from whatever they wished me to do.

"Your caretaker is about to begin your morning routine afterwards we will begin," it said. The table began to move and the anal plug expanded as the warm water began to fill me.

I had learned to control my reaction to this routine, somewhat. I was having trouble reconciling why it was necessary to sexually stimulate me during this process. As the water filled me the dildo began driving within me. Slowly at first, but it would go faster and deeper.

The plug in my mouth swelled and slowly began pumping my throat as the goo began to flow. If I could have squirmed I would have. I tried to push the plug away with my tongue but it never works. I mentally try to resist but with each stroke it is harder. I feel the hands near my clit doing whatever they do and then the relieving rush of being able to urinate....

How all those sensations flood my brain. Experiencing them all at the same time was overwhelming. Every breath I took also added to the sensations. My nipples tugged at the rod that went through both of them. Would I ever be free of that thing???? Each breath pulled them taut and every stroke in my throat nearly drove me over the edge.

I fought myself to keep from losing control, to stop myself from giving in to the orgasm that was building within me. Just when I thought I could not fight it a second longer the morning routine was over and the table moved to a standing position. The hands began touching me and I liked it. It felt good. I wanted more...

Slowly the hands began releasing the straps that held me to the table. I was slightly dizzy, as I always was when I first became upright on my feet. The ballet heels were so hard to stand in, let alone walk properly. The hands helped me get to a full upright position as I balanced myself in the heels.

"Stay still for a few moments, Lucy, it will help the dizziness go away," the voice said and I did not move. I focused on my feet and making them more stable. I had always hated heels. I was more of a sneaker kind of girl.... These heels were beyond torture. I could feel my calves flexing already.

Although, my calves seemed tighter, firmer. I had thought about a gym membership long ago, but interacting with others was out of the question... These people have actually done what i could never bring myself to do... They have made my body fit and trim, sexy and lithe... Was I as desirable as I always dreamed of being?

"Step forward," the voice spoke and I remained where I was. They had not given me my vision and I hated trying to walk when I could not see where I was going, let alone with no hands to guide me. My hesitation was met with a firm swat to my rear. It stung!

"Step forward now, Lucy," the voice said again. This time I put my right foot out and then followed with my left. Walking was strange in these heels and it did feel like I was high stepping just to maintain balance.

If they would just let me see then it would be much easier to balance! I wish I could tell them and my throat tried to make the sounds... But nothing came... They had taken my vocal chords...

"Walk," the voice commanded. But where and how? I could not see! Again I hesitated and my hesitation was met with a firm swat to my rear. I took a slow step forward, not knowing how far I should go or what direction.

"Pretend you are wearing those sneakers you used to love, keep your knees down more and step forward with the bottom of your feet flat to the ground," the voice instructed. Please let me see where I am going!! What if I walk into something?? Panic crept up and I took a few steps forward without actually focusing on it.

"Keep the knees lower and when you step forward make sure the entire bottom of your foot is flat to the ground," the voice droned. Sneakers. Sneakers. I kept saying it in my head over and over. No matter how hard I tried there was no way I could pretend these heels were sneakers!! How did the voice even know about the sneakers in the first place???

"Keep walking. Today you will walk until you can do so without the knees being so high," the voice informed me. "The caretaker will make sure you are safe, you will not get hurt in any way."

Gee, that made me feel better! It would be so much easier if I could SEE!!! I took step after step trying to focus on keeping my knees lower but these heels seemed to work against me. Each step was like a horse high stepping no matter how hard I tried not to!!!

"Keep those knees lower!" The voice seemed to be upset and I thought harder about each step, slowing down and really focusing on the knees.

Now, how the hell do I step without the knees going so high? Is it the heel? Am I over adjusting because of the heel height? How I wished now that I had worn higher heels! Think sneakers! No matter how I tried to pretend these were my beloved sneakers it wasn't working! My pace had slowed as I thought about each step and paid attention to how high my knees were with each step.

"Relax, Lucy, it will be easier if you do," the voice invaded my brain again. Relax, it said... Could you relax if you were me??? I tried with each step to relax more, think sneakers.... But I was still trying to figure out how these people knew I preferred sneakers...

Step, step, step... Each one still being wrong... Knees too high. I found I began chastising MYSELF with each wrong step!! Why did I even WANT to please these horrible people who have done this to me???

So many conflicting thoughts within me.... Was all of this REALLY permanent??? Step, step, step... Ah the knees were slightly lower this time!!!

The level of control they had over me was terrifying... The voice reverberated within my head ALL the time... Most of the time it was so repetitive that all I wanted was for it to shut the hell up!!!

My feet felt strange... They had shown me what they did... I can understand how it makes wearing these torturous boots easier... But, they were so UGLY!!! I never want to see my feet bare again!! If they had not removed my tear ducts I would be crying right now as I took step after step trying to keep the knees lower...

"Lucy, try not to think about each step. You are focusing too hard. Let it come naturally," the voice spoke, breaking my train of thought and I nearly stumbled. I felt the caretakers hands help steady me as I briefly stopped to collect myself.

"This will not be a fast process. Learning to walk in the ballet heels will take time and practice. Today is to work on keeping the knees lower," the voice reminded me. It was such a hideous voice. Mechanical and not human....

Each step became more relaxed as I walked around this black room. I hated that they controlled WHEN I could see and when I couldn't. I tried to understand their reasoning for this but it escaped me.... The questions tumbled in my head. Questions I could never vocalize or ask in any manner....

"Much better, the knees were almost perfect that time," the voice complimented and I had not even paid attention to the steps I was taking. I barely noticed when the caretaker would steer me into a different direction. Now I focused again on each step and knew I was doing it wrong again!!

"Don't think about it, Lucy," the voice reminded me. "Your progress so far is beyond amazing. We are most pleased with you."

What had I done that pleased them? I couldn't really resist. I couldn't escape... Not without sight or hands... I was trapped here, within my own body.... Within the sensations... This was my reality now and I had to accept it.... But a deep part of me still resisted...

My calves began to ache with each new step... What kind of person would even invent heels like this anyways??? I walked with more confidence knowing now how to keep the knees lower... Just let my mind ramble and not focus on walking.... Balance though was still a challenge without my sight...

Did I look as foolish as I felt right now? Part of me was glad I could not see... They might force me to watch myself again!!! That was the most humiliating part of this whole situation.... Enduring it was bad enough but being forced to actually watch myself... Pure humiliation..

What about any of this could possibly be desirable? The chat rooms... How many weird things had I encountered there? Way too many!! How many times had I role played nearly this same situation? More than I can recall! Maybe that is why a dark, secret part of me was truly enjoying all of this....

"Good job, Lucy. The caretaker will help you back to your rest and massage your legs now," the voice complimented. The warm hands touched my side and guided me back to where I started. As the caretaker strapped me back into the contraption all I could do was silently sigh with relief.

The "bed" moved into a prone position and the warm hands began rubbing my legs. It felt like they were using a warming oil. It felt good. Never in my life had I been as pampered as was right now. An inner peace settled over me as the caretaker gently massaged every inch of my legs.

Somehow this might not be as bad as I thought... Every aspect of my life was now guaranteed to be cared for.... This was more than I was able to do for myself.. before... Things I had never done for myself were now being tended to... Like wonderful massages... All of those chat sessions suddenly flooded my thoughts...

The "Master's" had tried to instruct me... I played along. I mean, it was online, pretend, right? Simple words on a screen that STUCK in my head and truly made me understand just how submissive I was... I had never once entertained the thought of trying it in real life... Even though I desperately wanted to...

Every little thing, no matter how simple, had a deeper meaning they all had said... EVERYTHING, they stressed it repeatedly...They would have me do something called "mirroring". They gave me a task in chat that I would have to perform in real life.... I tried to remember some of them and how they might apply now...

Keeping the journal was one of those tasks... I wrote in it all the time, about every dark fantasy... Even the ones I barely admitted I desired... The online master's said it would help me... Said it would help me reach deep within myself for a deeper meaning to life and help me reach an inner peace...

Never question their commands I was taught. Their commands always had a meaning and a reason... Some of them I thought were so silly... Looking back no w though.... The peace calmed me as I rested when the caretaker had finished with the massage.

The routine began... The anal plug swelled and the warm water began filling me as my thoughts wandered those old chats and the sensations carried me away again....

My thoughts drifted into the black nothingness that was my new reality… How did they know so much? Had I been that transparent or had they read every secret thing I had ever written? Had I chatted with the people who had brought me HERE? Where was HERE exactly? Would I ever know?

So many questions and not nearly enough answers….They forced me to experience things I could never have imagined possible…. And I loved it… That frightened me the most…. On my darkest level I was enjoying this….

Until next time dear diary....