Confused Again

I'd like to start off by saying I am in no means perfect- and will never claim to be. I make daily "mistakes" or decisions that I find questionable. I never know what the right path should look like, or if I am setting my future self for multiple therapy sessions with the decisions I make today.

Recently I have opened up to the idea of sugaring AKA being a sugar baby. I am young, beautiful, in my "prime" as the media might say. I have had a tik tok simp who has paid me simply for liking my half-naked videos, claiming to think I was a cool person despite not knowing my personality at all. He only knows what I choose to post. I mention this because I am so confused on who I am and what I really want. I get upset when people like that tik tok simp claim to like me because I feel as if I have so much more to offer than my looks. I am genuinely caring, funny, and smart. I am someone who loves adventures and can be straight with all of my friends and appreciates honesty even when I am not a fan of it. I am someone who loves to dance and laugh and be stupid and let go of all of my troubles- I just feel like I have so much to offer and these men don't care and I hate feeling that way.

I hate that despite knowing I hate feeling used for my looks, that I still think about using it. I could just be a "good" girl. I could just earn all of my money the "right" way, through my own hard work and without needing to compromise my morals. I know that all the choices I make, I choose to make and will have to deal with the consequences myself. That is what I am most scared for. Knowing I have no one to blame but myself for the decisions I choose to make, for surrounding myself with the friends that I have chose to have, for deciding to put my well-being and mental health at risk for a slight thrill and monetary gain. What is my mental health worth to me? 600 dollars? I hate saying that, but it is the reality. If I sell myself for a PPM of 600, is that all that I think I am worth? Can I put a monetary value to my body? Will I be able to love and trust men after selling myself in a transaction?

I can always argue that we all sell ourselves for something- whether we sell our time or physical labor, mental labor, but why does sex hit different? Selling something so personal- something that we have all been told to reserve for the right person- I am so confused! Media tries to say sleeping with others is not a big deal, but why is it in this case? This is the dilemna I can not get past. Why is selling my body so different then selling my time at work? Because it's a vulnerable part of me? I am so confused.

Spirituality always talks about being careful who we chose to sleep with because you make bonds to them and that terrifies me. I'm scared to exchange energy with the wrong person. And I am such a sensitive soul, I don't know if I will be okay. It took me so long to heal from Missouri and I felt like crap after being used by White Boy#2. Will it be worth feeling like crap by my sugar daddy? I am already so weary and careful about who I chose to date because I am scared for the outcome. I don't like feeling hurt. I don't like feeling sad and worthless and undervalued. I don't like questioning my value due to those experiences. I like kind men- men who genuinely care for my well-being and will cuddle with me after. What if that isn't how it works in sugaring? I'm scared to sell myself to sex. I'm scared, I'm scared, I'm scared. I'm scared that it will make me question everything that makes me, me in a way I can never get back. I don't want my glimmer to die out, to lose my youthful glow due to a terrible tragedy from a situation that I put myself in. I don't want to lose all faith in humanity or to compromise my already weary trust I have in the world.

Some of you might ask why is she doing this to herself? Honestly I question it too. Writing this- it is clear that I am not comfortable with the idea. It is clear I don't want to do it. But why am I still entertaining it? Is it curiousity? Is it due to wanting to escape the mundane life I am in? I wish I had a therapist that could help explain why I am making the decisions I am making and someone who could help discuss my real raw thoughts that I'm too scared to expose.

I question what my morals are. Am I really okay with selling my body for money? I have always despised men who didn't seem genuine right off the bat, at least when I was dating. To allow myself to go be used for sex alone for monetary gain? Am I really comfortable with that? I know I don't need to do it. A part of me is curious and a part of me is truly scared for the emotional backlash the experience would cause for me. Is a quick 600 dollars worth the years of therapy and distrust in men I will have down the line?

I'm scared to lose faith in myself by following through with this. I am scared to lose myself to what the devil card in tarot represents, greed. I know deep down that I care deeply and whole heartedly for those closest to me and I'd do anything for my close family and friends. I'm scared to lose my soft, emotional self by diving into this world of greed, sex, and money. It is not all that it is cracked up to be and I know that. Every decision we make comes at a price, and I am scared to see the full extent of that price.

I have always felt poor and do not know when I will ever feel satisifed with my bank account and net worth. I know I had a goal of 150k for this year, but how important is that if it means tossing my values aside to gain it?

I don't know. I am so confused.