'BPD, Sex & Me'

My name is Jo. I am 43.

I have ‘Borderline Personality Disorder’ (BPD) or the newer term ‘Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder’ (EUPD) because that term is so much better, right?!

Interestingly, my medical records do not mention a ‘diagnosis’. My psychiatrist does not want to ‘burden’ me with the label of BPD. I am high functioning, I can work (although, my ability to stay in work is a topic for another blog post!), why would I want the ‘dreaded BPD’ label?! I meet 6 of the criteria for a BPD diagnosis, however, it is ’emotional dysregulation’ that is noted in my medical records. I am not entirely sure how I feel about this, but I will save that for other blog posts with a focus on my thoughts on ‘to diagnose or not to diagnose’ as well as labelling theory.

So, why this series of stories?

Since I was 13 years of age, my thought patterns and behaviours in relation to my ‘condition’ have dominated my sexual behaviours. Looking back, I can see that an early delve into sexual experiences were hugely influenced by my ‘need’ for love and my worry of abandonment. A pregnancy and (wonderful) baby during my 2nd year at university; a wedding at 21 and a divorce at 24 were all shaped by chaotic thinking, impulsive behaviour, and the need to belong and be loved. Nothing else mattered. Nothing. This pattern has been reiterated throughout my adult life, and until age 38 when I saw a psychiatrist who mentioned BPD (first time I had ever heard of it), I had no idea it was related to my mental health. I want to explore my own and other people’s experiences of sex and relationships in relation to mental health. Much of these series of stories will look at my relationships including 2 marriages, 2 divorces and years of on and off dating on apps such as Tinder and these experiences have been shaped by my thinking and behaviours in relation to BPD.

I understand there are strong feelings on whether to label someone who has experienced trauma as having a personality disorder rather than focusing just upon the thinking and behaviours associated with this trauma for healing. However, I do align with the criteria for BPD and that was both comforting and a ‘light bulb moment’ for me in that I could identify with something that is real and exists for other people too. My impulsive behaviour, my problems in relationships and my numerous different career starts (and finishes!) suddenly made sense to me. So while I understand the need for discussion on the rights and wrongs of diagnosis, please let me talk about my own lived experience.

My interest in writing about this topic does, in part, comes from writing a PhD where the intersection between mental health and sex and relationships is an important topic. I have searched around and cannot find an existing space on the the web where this topic is the focus. However, I believe all sexual relationships are affected by mental health, whether that is good mental health or not so good mental health, and I want to kick off a space to explore that. I have also worked in the sphere of sexual health for over a decade so the interest here is strong! The intersection between mental health and sexual health in my life has been so important in shaping my life. I am sure this is the case for others too. So welcome and let the stories roll.