Zoom Call

"Mum, are you there?"

Hey Mum!"

'YOUR MOTHER'S WASHING HER HAIR!"

"Oh. Hi, Dad... Great to hear your voice. Trouble is, I can only see the ceiling. Do me a favour, tip the screen forward so you’re on camera?"

"I don't know... How the hell... damn fool thing..."

"Yeah. That's it. Down a bit. There you are! How've you been?"

"Bearing up."

"You look..."

"Yeah. I had an incident with the strimmer."

"You mean a trimmer. For hair. A strimmer is for cutting grass."

"Strimmer, trimmer, same difference. Whatever it is I won't be needing shampoo any time soon. My hand slipped. I thought I had it on a number four and before I knew it I had a tramline straight through the middle."

"Just wear a cap, Dad. I got Joey to shave off most of mine the other day. It's much easier to manage."

"It'll be your mother you want. I'll get her. She's in the bathroom washing her hair."

"Yeah, you said. Hey, Dad! Come back. Sit down. I was calling you both to see how you are... You too. Come back. Please. Yeah, that's it. It's... er.. good to see you."

"All this zipping and zooming isn't my kinda thing at all."

"Mariella said you'd got all this set up. She said you had some nice chats. She said I should call."

"Mariella's a good girl. And those kids of hers, they never fail to bring a smile to my face."

"How are you, Dad?"

"You don't want to hear about me."

"C'mon, Dad."

"If she had her way your mother’d be calling 111 every five minutes. But all they say is: does he have trouble breathing? He always has trouble breathing, she says. Ah well, keep an eye on him, they say and if he deteriorates, call back."

"She's just concerned about the asthma and Covid."

"Asbestosis, not asthma."

"Yeah, well Covid can be dangerous for people with Asbestosis just the same."

"Was a time when I was the one people came to if they needed something fixing. I suppose at my age I should expect to be written off."

"Nobody's written you off, Dad. I don't think..."

"What do you know about it. You a doctor?"

"No, I'm a hair-stylist."

"Fancy word for a hairdresser."

"Yeah, whatever. I didn't call for a fight, Dad. I just wanted to check up on you and Mum, make sure you're doing okay."

"We're doing okay. Now can I get back to my jigsaw puzzle?"

"I thought you didn't like jigsaw puzzles?"

"There's precious little else to do these days. Mariella ordered a new one for your mother online."

"Are you still managing to get out to the shed?"

"Shed. What shed?"

"You know, your shed. The one at the bottom of the garden. The one you built."

"Oh that shed. Yes, well, I thought I'd rustle up a raised bed for your mother to plant some seeds. Then at least we'd have some veg on the go if spring ever shows its ungrateful head."

"That's good."

"But it turned out I didn't have the wood."

"You could order it online?"

"Now why would I do that?"

"I don't know. Because it might give you both something to look forward to?"

"Your mother's bored that's the trouble. All her do-gooding cancelled and she can’t get out and get her hair done. You know how grumpy she is if it's not just right. Now she can't get down to Alma's, you know, that place in the High Street - and get it done just right, I never hear the end of it. Smoothing and blowing. What’s it matter? I said. No-one can see you. The whole world’s gone to pot and you're fretting about being frizzy? Mariella offered to help but she’s got enough on her plate with her job on the frontline, home-schooling the kids and Eddie trying to hold down his job in that shoe-box living room with God knows what kicking off next door."

"How can Mariella help? She can't come and see you anymore than I can."

"Said she'd get the instructions up on YouTube."

"YouTube? Why didn’t she just call me? She could've called me. She’s a Pharmacist and up to her elbows in prescriptions. I'm family, I'm a professional hair stylist - sorry - 'hairdresser' and believe it or not I can show Mum what to do! For Christ's sake, why is it always so difficult?

"If you're going to start blaspheming, Scott, I think this conversation is at an end."

"... I could even show you, for that matter, I can show you exactly how to do it. I can’t save the world like Mariella, I get that, but I can do this! Okay not in person, I would if I could, you know that..."

"Assumed you'd be too busy with all your fancy clients to worry about us."

"Joey and I shut up the salon as soon as London went in Lockdown, thanks for asking... But we've got a bit put by so with any luck we'll be able to hang onto the premises and our clients have shown us incredible support. Hopefully, most of them will come back to us when all this is over."

"I think most people can handle a hairdryer, Scott, it's not rocket science and Mariella's got her head screwed on. I don't think she needs any help from you."

"No, wait Dad, come back. Sit down. Don't..."

"You're mother must be finished by now, I'll get her."

"DON'T!.. WHY? Why must you always do this?"

"Do what? You don't want me to get your mother?"

"No! This. THIS! You! Saying everything and nothing in as few words as possible? Always always comparing me negatively to Mariella and Mariella’s perfect life? Other people rate me as a hairdresser. As a person. I have a business, a nice flat and a partner of ten years.I’m happy. Joey’s happy. We’re happy TOGETHER! You’d think you would be proud of me making some kind of success out of my life, but you don’t rate anything about me. You can barely look me in the eye. And you sure as hell won’t accept anything from me! Do you have any... any idea how scared I’ve been that you might ... that I might never get to see you... to tell you..."

"Scott... I... Oh! Hello Joey. You been there all the time?"

"Yep. And I think we're done here Milton, don't you? Please tell Grace we called."

"No... WAIT! Don’t. Don’t hang up! I’m not sure I know how to call you back on this thing. I’ll get her. Just don’t hang up."

***

"Hello, Joey. My, but it's so good to see you. Isn't this technology just the best? I can't believe it, it's almost like being in the same room. Looks like we both just had a hair-wash, how about that!"

"Hey Grace. That's a fine towelling turban you're wearing."

"Oh get on with you! You'll have to excuse the turban. God knows, it's like I've got a wild animal running loose on my head. Is Scottie still there?"

"Yeah. He's still here."

"Hey Mum. How're you doing?"

"Ah, there you are. Well, aside from being stuck in the house with your father, things are going pretty well I guess. Though yesterday I did a stupid thing. Did something to my shoulder."

"Dad didn't say anything."

"Told him not to."

"How did you do it?"

"I tripped."

"Tripped?"

"Just fell over my own feet. Caught my shoulder on the edge of the table."

"You sure you're okay?"

"It's nothing. Didn’t want to worry you. And don’t you dare tell Mariella. It was my own stupid fault. Just means I can’t lift anything for a while. Not even a hairdryer. Especially not a hairdryer. But enough about me. Did I hear you having words with your father?"

"Something like that."

"Don’t go doing that, Scottie. Not now. Not like this when we can’t...you know ..."

"Everything I say, he just shuts me down."

You must understand, it’s not easy for him. He hates being ‘vulnerable'. He feels despised."

"I know that feeling."

"Truth is, Scottie, you and your father are too much alike. Always have been. Hotheads the both of you, too proud and independent for your own good - or anyone else's for that matter. On the TV, the radio. Everywhere he turns they talk about the Old and the Infirm and he reckons he’s both... Now ssh... here he is, let's see if we can't all get along nice and easy for once.

Milton, I don't need the hairdryer. You just sit down and..."

"I've a better idea."

"Milton, what're you doing with my turban? Stop that, MILTON! Give it back! We've got company. Oh for the love of God, look at me!"

"Yes Gracie, I’m looking. Know something Think you could stand having this ham-fisted old fool let loose on your pride and joy?"

"Would you Milton? Would you really do this for me?"

"Well, that's up to the professionals, Gracie. Scottie my boy. Reckon you can show me how to use this thing to smooth and blow your mother's cares away?"