You’ll Miss Me When I Am Gone

It was 1987 in Dublin, Ohio. The mall was where dreams came true, perms flourished, and Madonna battled Cyndi Lauper for the title of Queen of Pop on every cassette. Somewhere between a stack of neon scrunchies and the last slice of pepperoni at Pizza Hut, you might just find yourself—if you were brave enough. And brave, according to her Aunt Doris, was exactly what twenty-two-year-old Samantha “Sam” Miller needed to be if she ever hoped to land a boyfriend who didn’t say “rad” more than ten times in a conversation.

On a hazy October evening, Sam found herself with a nervous stomach, rocking her high-waisted acid-wash jeans, and clutching a ticket to “Speed Date to the Max!”—the newest singles event at the local roller rink, cleverly rebranded as Rink of Romance for one night only. She did it for love, but mostly for the story.

Arrival at the Event: Love at First Neon Light

The Rink of Romance was festooned with balloons in shades of hot pink and electric blue. Synth-pop blasted from the speakers. The disco ball cast shimmering dots on the carpet, which was sticky from too many spilled Slush Puppies. Sam could smell the excitement, or possibly just hairspray and nachos. Her best friend Monica, never one to back down from a dare, zipped up her Members Only jacket and whispered, “This is either going to be totally tubular or a total trainwreck.”

Tables were arranged in a wobbly circle, each topped with a miniature lava lamp and a stack of index cards, presumably for jotting down phone numbers or escape plans. Sam scanned the crowd—men and women in their best Miami Vice and Flashdance ensembles. The air buzzed with nervous laughter and the ozone tang from a fog machine. The event host, a man with a mullet and a headset, announced, “Singles, take your seats! It’s time to find your soulmate—or at least someone who shares your love of Family Ties.”

First Rounds: Quirky Characters Galore

Sam’s first date was Greg, whose blazer sleeves were pushed up so high his elbows looked cold. Greg leaned forward, giving Sam his best smile. “Hi. I work at Radio Shack. I have a beta VCR and an Atari. My dream is to build a robot girlfriend.”

“Robot girlfriend, huh?” Sam grinned. “Does she come with batteries included?”

Greg blushed. “I—I mean, only if you want her to.” He wrote his number on an index card and slid it to her like it was a secret code.

The bell rang—a cowbell, naturally—and Sam rotated to the next table.

Date two: Jeff, whose hair was so feathered it could double as a pillow. He opened with, “If you were a pizza topping, what would you be?”

Sam considered. “Extra cheese. I like things cheesy.”

Jeff high-fived her, then spent the remaining two minutes describing his dream of owning a DeLorean. Sam appreciated his commitment, if not his sense of time.

The third date was with Denise, who had signed up by accident, thinking this was a Dungeons & Dragons night. She showed Sam her collection of twelve-sided dice. “I wish you luck—in love, and in rolling a natural twenty.”

Sam smiled. “May the odds be ever in your favor,” she replied, mixing up her pop culture but feeling bold.

Round four: Bob, who wore sunglasses despite the lack of sunlight and asked, “Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I skate by again?” Sam laughed so hard she almost snorted her Tab.

Goofy Character Introduction: The Encounter

Round five. Sam was feeling a little loopy from the laughter and the sugar. She slid over to Table Five, where a man in a Hawaiian shirt and bright yellow suspenders sat, twirling a yo-yo. He grinned, revealing a dimple and a collection of plastic charms hanging from his necklace—a Rubik’s cube, a tiny Walkman, and a plastic flamingo.

“Evening! Name’s Perry. Some say I’m the only guy in town who can moonwalk and juggle at the same time. Wanna see?”

Sam giggled. “Absolutely.” Perry stood up and moonwalked backward, flinging three juggling balls into the air. The balls clattered to the floor, but he shrugged. “Still working on it.”

Sam shook her head, charmed. “So, Perry, what brings you here tonight?”

Perry leaned in, waggling his eyebrows. “I’m here for the adventure, obviously. That, and the chance to meet someone who loves the smell of popcorn and the sound of Pac-Man dying.”

Sam grinned. “You’re not like anyone else here, are you?”

Perry winked, then adopted a mock-serious expression. “Listen, Sam. I’ll tell you one thing—you’ll miss me when I am gone.”

That caught her off guard. She laughed—a real, belly laugh that made her eyes water. “Is that your best pick-up line?”

Perry shrugged. “No, but it’s my best exit line.”

The cowbell rang. Perry gave a dramatic bow. “Farewell, fair lady. Remember me fondly—or at least remember my suspenders.”

Intrigue and Reflection: The Aftermath of Goofy

As Sam rotated to the next table, she found herself glancing back at Perry, who was now performing an elaborate handshake with the event host. Something about his goofy charm and the way he said, “you’ll miss me when I am gone,” stuck with her. It was silly, sure, but unexpectedly sincere. She scribbled his name on her card, underlining it twice. Monica caught her eye and mouthed, “Did he juggle for you?”

Sam nodded, unable to suppress a smile. The other participants began to blur together, their quirks not quite matching Perry’s full-throttle oddball energy.

She wondered: Would she actually miss him if he didn’t show up in her life again? Or was she just high on nostalgia and roller rink air?

More Speed Dates: The Parade of Peculiarity

Date six was with Todd, who would only speak in lyrics from Wham! songs.

Sam played along. “Wake me up—before you go-go?”

Todd nodded. “You put the boom-boom into my heart.”

Sam snorted. “Only if you don’t forget the jitterbug.”

Date seven: Carla, who brought her pet turtle, Hector, and gave Sam a sticker that said “Turtle Power!” Sam stuck it on her index card, thinking it might bring luck.

Date eight: Allen, who confessed to a love of macramé and claimed he could tie fifty knots in under a minute. He demonstrated, and Sam found herself holding a small, knotted heart by the end.

Date nine: Linda, who had memorized every episode of Moonlighting and challenged Sam to a trivia contest. Sam lost, but graciously accepted defeat, especially after Linda offered her a friendship bracelet.

Date ten: Marcus, who was so nervous he accidentally spilled his grape soda on Sam’s jeans. He apologized profusely, offering his windbreaker as a peace offering. She declined, but appreciated the gesture.

Reunion with Goofy Character: Destiny in Suspenders

After ten rounds, the bell tolled for the final mingle—an open skate, where singles could “freestyle” and chat with anyone who caught their interest. Sam scanned the rink for Perry, spotting him near the snack bar, attempting to win a stuffed bear from the claw machine. He waved, beckoning her over.

“Sam! Did you miss me yet?” he called, grinning.

Sam laughed. “I was just coming to check if your suspenders were still attached.”

Perry tugged at them. “They’re my lucky pair. They’ve seen me through every bad date, every spilled Slush Puppy, and even the great pie-eating contest of 1986. Want to try your luck at the claw?”

She accepted, and together, they wrangled the machine until Perry successfully snatched a neon green bear, which he gave to Sam with a flourish. “A token of our roller rink romance.”

They skated together, wobbling and laughing, trading stories about their worst dates and best mixtapes. Perry sang the chorus of “Livin’ on a Prayer” at the top of his lungs, drawing stares and applause.

Sam felt lighter than she had in ages. The night was a rush of color, sound, and the kind of goofy happiness that only comes from letting yourself be ridiculous.

Resolution: Love in the Time of Lava Lamps

As the night wound down, Perry escorted Sam to the door, handing her a slip of paper with his number written in bubble letters. “If you ever need someone to moonwalk, juggle, or just be goofy, I’m your guy.”

Sam tucked the paper into her purse, smiling. “You know what, Perry? I think I’d actually miss you if you were gone.”

He grinned, triumphant. “Told ya.”

Monica swooped in, arms loaded with leftover nachos. “So, Sam, who’s the winner? Robot Greg? Feather Jeff? Turtle Carla?”

Sam shook her head, glancing back to where Perry was moonwalking out the door. “Nope. Tonight, I think it’s the guy in suspenders.”

Monica winked. “Far out. I guess love is a little weirder than we thought.”

Sam laughed, feeling the pulse of the 1980s in her veins, and the promise of a goofy, wonderful future.

Epilogue: Aftermath and Roller Rink Wisdom

A week later, Sam met Perry at the mall arcade. He taught her to juggle, she beat him at Pac-Man, and together, they made a mixtape titled “You’ll Miss Me When I Am Gone.” It was mostly cheesy love songs, and one surprise track: Perry moonwalking while singing “Footloose.”

Sam sent Monica a postcard from the arcade. “Turns out, sometimes the goofiest guy is also the best guy. And yes, I do miss him when he’s gone—even if he still can’t juggle.”

After all, in the wild world of 1980s speed dating, the greatest love stories are the ones that make you laugh the loudest.