You Had Me At ‘Eyes’

“Can you hear me?”

“Loud and clear.”

“They’ve just left. They went out the back door and headed for the forest, as you thought they would. The door’s somewhat ajar so we’ll enter that way. [laugh] At least we don’t have to force the lock now.”

“Steve’ll head around to the start of the forest track and be our lookout. He’ll let us know when they’re on the way back and we’ll let you know to get out of there pronto. And, Golden? Stop the ‘we’. There’s only you.”

“No can do, good buddy. Say thanks to Steve for us.”

[rustle, rustle, clank, clunk]

“Okay, we’ve entered. Man, that’s some door. Heavy, wooden, larger than you normally see. At least you can get couches and other stuff through.”

“Move slowly through the house and tell us all that you see.”

“There are three plants on the table, presumably herbs. [snuffle, chuckle] Maybe not ‘herbs’ as such. Anyway, to our left, there’s a bench along the wall, a steel stove at the centre, and a washtub near the end. There’s a covered pot, ouch, hot, on the stove burner. There are so many grubby plates on the counter. Oh, gross. Leaned our hand on one. The table’s set for three, and there’s a bowl of sloppy food at each place. Mmm, actually smells pretty good.”

“Don’t touch the food.”

“You won’t guess what’s here.”

“Tell us.”

“Oatmeal. [slurp] What the…? Who puts hot sauce on oatmeal? Hooo, hooo, our tongue’s ablaze. Our mouth’s numb.”

“Why would you eat the food? That’s not what you’re there for. Get a move on.”

“[slurp] Ugh. The second one has gelato on top. Oatmeal and gelato? Our teeth hurt from the cold, but at least our mouth’s not numb anymore. [slurp, slurp, slurp] Oh! The last one’s perfect. Oatmeal and just a touch of brown sugar. Mmmm, so good.”

“Stop that! They’ll know someone’s been there. Get what you’re there to get and get out. That’s the job.”

“Just a sec. The pot on the stove has enough that we can top the bowls back up. That last one was very tasty, though. [clunk, scrape, scrape, clunk, plonk] Nope, not enough left. Maybe they won’t see the levels are low?”

“Just locate the box.”

[swoosh, clack, swoosh, clomp, thump]

“No boxes here. We’ll head to the lounge room next.”

[clomp, creak, clomp]

“You should see the lounge room. Not what you’d expect for such a remote cottage. The room’s small but there’s a colossal TV. Takes up almost the whole length of one wall. Three seats, all ones that lean back. You know, the same as the ones you get at theatres these days. Press a button, the foot part comes up, and the back goes back. We need some of these at headquarters and for our lounge room.”

“What about the box?”

“Hang on. We just want to try these seats out, just so we know what ones to buy. [plonk, bzzzz] Nuh. The largest one’s way too large. Our feet hardly touch the floor and the seat’s really hard. Hard as concrete. [bzzzz, clomp, plonk, bzzzz] Second one’s better but way too soft. We’d get a backache before Jeopardy was halfway over. [bzzzz, clomp, plonk, bzzzz] The last one’s the one. Perfect. Comfy but not too comfy. Legs up and back supported. Don’t want to get up now. Ugh, can’t reach the TV remote.”

“Stop now! They’ll be back soon. Hurry up and locate that damn box.”

“Keep your fur on. We can see the whole room from here, and be comfortable. No boxes. [squeak, squeak, bzzzz, clunk] Damn. The foot part won’t go down. [squeak, squeak, bang] Oops. My bad. The foot part just broke off. Maybe they won’t see.”

“You fool! Just do your damn job.”

“Okay, okay. [groan] You should see how many steps there are up to the bedrooms. My knees hurt already.”

[stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp]

“Don’t be so loud. Tread softer.”

“Why? No one’s here, are they? Unless Steve’s fallen asleep on the job. He hasn’t, has he? Steve? Are you awake?”

[………………]

“Steve’s awake and alert. He says they’re not on the way back yet.”

“Unless they come back another way. Maybe they’ve walked around a loop track, huh, and Steve won’t see them?”

“Just get on and do your own job. Don’t worry about Steve. He knows what to do.”

“Okay, okay. Keep your trousers on. [………………] Huh. Wouldn’t have thought there’d be three bedrooms. The cottage looked smaller from the back garden.”

[clomp, clomp]

“Okay, bedroom one has just one huge bed. [clunk] Oh boy. The bed’s as hard as asphalt on a cold day. Worse than the large theatre seat. Who could sleep on a bed so hard? Bet he’s cranky all day.”

“What about the box?”

“Just about to check under the bed. God, the bed’s so broad, we can lay crossways and our feet don’t even hang over the edge. You, me, and Steve could be on here and there’d be room to spare. [gurgle] Sorry, hung my head over the edge to look underneath and sat up too fast. Hang on a sec. Woozy. [clomp] Underneath now. God, there’s so much room under here, you could hold a rave. Nah, not really. But there’s a lot of room. And there’s a lot of dust and fur but no box. No one’s cleaned under here for ages. [rustle] Let’s see what bedroom number two has.”

[clomp, clomp, rustle, rustle]

“Second bed’s smaller than the last one, but way too soft. We’ve sunk through the centre. We’re almost completely submerged under blankets. Help. The bed’s got me. Down we go. [laugh, thump] So soft, had to roll off. There’s also a dresser here, but not much else. [shwoop] Drawer one: nada. [shwoop] Drawer two: nada. [shwoop] Drawer three: some ugly, chunky jewellery. Nope, doesn’t match my latest dye job. [shwoop, grunt, rustle] Zero boxes under the bed. Just furballs and dust balls. Same as bedroom one. [groan] Ugh, too old to bend over for so long these days.”

“Check the last bedroom. The box has to be there.”

[clomp, clomp, clomp]

“Okay, bedroom number three. Oh, my. As expected, bed three’s perfect. Long enough and broad enough. Not too hard and not too soft. We could fall asleep here.”

[………………, ………………, ………………, snore, snuffle]

“Hey? The box?”

“What? [swoosh, hssss] Oh, sorry, just dozed off. So comfortable. The most comfortable bed we’ve ever slept on. You know we haven’t slept well lately. We need a new bed.”

[snuffle, snore, hssss]

“WAKE UP! They just passed Steve. They’re almost back. Repeat: THEY’RE ALMOST BACK. ABORT! ABORT! GET OUT NOW.”

[………………, ………………, shuffle]

“There’s a box under the bed but out of reach. The bed’s too small, too low to the ground. The box’s rather small. Why would someone pay us so much to locate such a small, dull box? [grunt, grunt] Damn. Nope, can’t reach the box and can’t get under the bed.”

[creak, slam]

“We’ll have to talk softly. We just heard the back door shut. They’re back.”

“[roar] Someone’s been here. Someone’s tasted my oatmeal. Look my spoon’s all scummy.”

“[roar] My oatmeal too. How could you forget to lock the door?”

“[roar] My oatmeal’s all gone. [sob]”

“Psst, they just found the empty bowl. Someone’s not happy.”

[clomp, clomp, clomp]

“[roar] Someone’s been on my seat. There are scuff marks all over the footrest.”

“[roar] My seat too. The headrest hasn’t been pushed back properly.”

“[roar] Oh no! Someone broke my seat! Look! [sob, sob]”

“They just found the broken footrest. Damn, hoped they wouldn’t see that. Oh no. They’re on the steps. Too late to get out now. We’ll jump onto the bed, duck under the blankets, and hope they don't see us.”

“[roar] Someone’s been on my bed. We all made our beds before we left, but now my blankets are all messed up.”

“[roar] My bed has dusty footmarks and a deep dent where someone’s been.”

“[roar] And my bed … and there they are! Look there’s a lump under the blankets.”

“Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. They’ve found us.”

[swoosh, scuffle, scuffle]

“Hello.”

“[roar] Who are you? What are you here for?”

“Well, that’s a funny story, really. No, no really. You’ll laugh so hard when you hear our story.”

“[roar] Are there more of you?”

"Nope, just me."

"[roar] You're after the box, aren't you?"

“What box? Hang on! What are you…? Why are you [muffled] under the bed? How [muffled] under there? No, we don’t know about a box. Not that box. What’s that box hold, anyway?”

“You want to know about the box?”

“Well, yes and no. Probably more yes than no. But no, you don’t have to open the box. You can just tell us.”

[………………]

“Oh. My. God. What are those? Are they eyes? They make us feel all woozy but, strangely, unable to look away. Whoa. Those eyes are gorgeous, and there’s so many of them. Where’d they come from? They’re not real, are they? Are they real? They can't be real! Just gonna lean down and look closer, just to be sure they’re not real eyes. Oh look, there's room for more.”

[clunk, ………………]

“Golden? Are you there? Can you hear me, Golden? Answer me! Steve, how about you? Are you nearly back?”

[………………]

“Okay, Steve's back and we’re out of here. We don’t care about the money anymore. The contract’s cancelled as of now! Don’t care about the consequences. Sorry, Golden. You had me at ‘eyes’! Don’t know whether you can hear me or not, but we’re out. You’re on your own.”

[screech, roar]

[………………]