Yell Like All Hell

The cabin in the woods had been abandoned for years, but one night, a candle burned in the window. Len and his wife Salia had renovated the space and restored it to be a fully functional, state of the art vacation home in Newark, Delaware. On their anniversary in October, the crisp autumn air met them, drove them. Salia walked to the window and blew out the last candle. Len called for the virtual assistant, Simon, to turn off the music. He picked up the wine bottle and glasses and ventured over to the sink. He put the wine back in the chiller.

The great fire crackled, as if it possessed the capacity to express ferocious glee. Its serious glow and happy warmth had put the couple at ease during their meal. Salia, tallish and slightly curvy, drew up the corner of her mouth. Len stood a few inches shorter than his wife. Salia washed the glasses and dishes by hand, then turned to look at Len.

“This is our first night away from the kids in forever,” she reminded her husband. “I know that it’s been hectic with our work schedules. I still can’t believe I’ve been buried in term papers and it’s just the beginning of the semester. I like what these students are doing though. They’re showing more promise than my previous classes. They’re definitely candidates for my best class ever. It’s like they’re anticipating the work, not just trying to get a passing grade to justify mommy and daddy’s payments.”

“I know,” Len replied. “I expected to be able to take some time away from work yet I’m here—”

A thud. He stopped abruptly. Len checked the Knock home security system. Nothing. Len shrugged.

“What? What? Is there something up there?” Salia asked.

“It doesn’t show. Anyway, I left my stuff at the house. I’m not dragging all of that confusion during our special moments. He thought twice. “Okay, I admit it. I took some of the papers here. Look, I won’t touch them until you’re asleep because you know I’m going to put you to sleep?” Len flashed a smirk.

“Oh, really? Who’s to say that you’re not going to get tuckered out before we even reach the landing upstairs?”

Len laughed with passion and truth.

“Let’s do what is always and unjustifiably called anathema, but is utterly virtuous and vital,” he remarked, wrapping his arms around her waist once more. A quick thud then interrupted their embrace.

“Did you hear—” Salia started, her brow furrowed.

“It’s probably a pine cone falling against the window. Let’s celebrate our six years of being married, shall we?”

“Let’s,” Salia replied with a grin. The pair journeyed to the upper level of the cabin. Glass walls and gleaming steel decorated the place. Each inch of the space had been fine-tuned to comply with their direct specifications.

The couple found the master bedroom. It had the same airy appearance as the rest of the place. Walnut planks covered the floor of the bedroom and marble adorned the bathroom floors and walls.

After a few pecks on the face, Len grabbed Salia's hair and caressed her neck. When they had finished the beautiful act, the two of them looked at each other in the moonlight.

“Some sleep would be nice out here in these woods,” Salia observed.

“I agree,” Len replied. They dressed in their night clothes, turned like flapjacks in a pan, and faced away from each other.

In their slumber, the wondrous silence of everything besides crickets and the occasional owl hoot meant something like restoration to them. They fell into that deep sleep that renders one unreachable, even by the subconscious. There seemed to be nothing that could disturb them. Then, the yelling began.

A shrill, deafening screech interrupted their rest. It was like a dying animal, something that had been caught in a trap, whose life was slowly oozing from its body. It registered in their minds as a horrendous sound that caused them trauma. They awoke and turned to face each other, yelling.

“Did you?!” Salia asked, her breath short.

“The yelling?!” Len asked, his deep voice rising slightly.

“Where the hell did it come from?” Salia asked. She turned to her smart clock. She blinked and the number changed to 2:34 a.m.

“There isn’t another cabin within miles. I doubt it was a plane or something, nature couldn’t have been that loud. Not out here. Simon, turn on the lights,” he commanded the virtual assistant.

Once the lights had illuminated the room, the pair saw a smallish figure standing in the entrance to the bathroom.

“Stay back, goddamnit!” Len thundered. He attempted to hold Salia back but she was already on her feet ready to get her pistol from her purse.

The figure moved from side to side. It showed itself to be a five foot four inch black man, the color of charred maple. He wore a gray uniform. It was crumpled but bore badges and ribbons like chest candy. The colors looked mottled, but a slight shimmer shone from the array of decorations. He didn’t approach them. He just swayed back and forth like the leaves of an oak.

“Call the cops,” Salia instructed her husband as she pointed with precision at the being standing before her.

“How the hell did you get in here?” Len thundered.

Then, the figure spoke. “I don’t want freedom. I want to be a slave.”

“I didn’t ask for all that. I want to know why you’re in our cabin.”

Len had reached his smartphone and dialed.

“What is your emergency?”

Len opened his mouth but could not continue with the dispatch. The man pulled out a wad of one hundred dollar bills as thick as a thousand paged novel.

“Sir or ma’am? Is there a problem?”

“Let me call you back,” he hung up the phone. Next, he moved a bit closer. Salia lowered the gun.

The man let out a fierce shriek that made the couple think the mirror and flatscreen would shatter. It was much like the yelp that had preceded it. This time, it sounded like a “wah-ya-ha.” They covered their ears. When the yell had died down, they inched even closer to the man with the stack of money.

“They said this was one of the only states to not have the graycoats. No forces mounted up against the Yanks. Not here in Delaware, anyway,” the small man announced.

“Wait…what are you speaking of? Where’d you get the money? And how did you find this cabin?” Len questioned.

“I’ve been living in Delaware for sixty-two years. All I want was to be a slave. I re-enacted Civil War scenes. At first, I didn’t like it.”

“Still, what does that have to do with you standing in our bedroom?”

“I just wanted to be in the rebel militia. So, they made me into a soldier. I couldn’t fight any. They gave me little tasks; I cleaned up the stalls of the horses that the generals used. It was all for show. None of it was real but it felt real to me. I just wanted to be on the side where the slavers could keep me in bondage. That was until I punched the clock. But I saved up my money. I rose to the level of carrying the blank ammunition for the re-enactors. This is everything I squirreled away. ” He held up the knot of bills.

“Why would you not want to be free?” Salia asked as she clicked the safety to her pistol back to its original position. She still gripped and lowered it.

“I don’t want to hurt you. Honest. I just want to be able to let somebody know that we should be in slavery still. The white man is the great God.”

“Whoa, sir. Let’s look at this logically. You trespass against this property, you wake us up with your crazy yell, my wife is ready to gun you down, and I was about to phone the police. Please make sense of everything that has happened in the last ten minutes without going into a harangue about the ‘virtues’ of slavery. Time is ticking,” he mentioned evenly.

“You know that yell that woke the both of you up? That’s the rebel yell. The Confederates used that as a battle cry.”

“We’re teachers. We’re aware of that. What is your name?” Salia asked.

“Josephus.”

“Okay, Josephus,” she replied. Her calmness belied her growing fear. “What can we do to help you besides shoot you or call the authorities?”

“I got this money here in order to pay you to get me to South Carolina. That was the first state to s—”

“Secede, yes we’ve got it. Why here? Why now?” Len asked.

“I felt you folks would be able to provide me with a plan to go to the South,” Josephus explained.

Salia sighed. “Look, you obviously have some mental issues that need to be worked out, we can help with that, too. You can keep your money,” she announced.

Josephus belted out a ferocious howl. The couple cringed and covered their ears again.

“You’re not listening to me! I don’t have mental problems. I just want to go to the place where the next American Civil War will start. I’ll pay you in order to make this happen.”

“Great. In the meantime, we can get you to the hospital, and don’t wail again. My wife and I might need some attention ourselves to heal our ears. How did you get in here, anyway? We have the Knock system that prevents home invasions like this one.”

“I just rolled in the backdoor and climbed the backstairs. I don’t know anything about Knock. I’m looking forward to getting on the train and riding to the Carolinas.”

“Say less,” Salia said. “We’re taking you into town. You obviously need a doctor. Don’t worry about giving us your cash. You’re going to need it for your hospital bills.”

Josephus moved a step forward. Salia raised the pistol again and clicked off the safety.

“One more step….” Salia announced.

Josephus stopped. “I won’t holler again. I promise.”

“Alright,” Salia said. Len rolled his shoulders back.

Josephus lied. He let out a great whoop that caused Salia to drop her gun to the floor and slide to Josephus’ feet without discharging.

Josephus picked it up and stashed his money in a pouch.

Len lifted his hands above his head and Salia followed.

“Now. We’re going to get this straight. I’m running the show. We’re going to take a trip down to the basement.”

“This cabin has no basement if you haven’t noticed yet,” Len spoke icily.

“That’s alright,” Josephus responded and started gathering the bed sheets.

“Tie yourselves up. Make it fast, now,” Josephus instructed. He moved forward while holding the gun and kicked Len’s foot. He grimaced in pain.

“Touch my husband again….” Salia warned.

“And what? Little Annie Oakley isn't much without her firearm is she?” Josephus laughed to himself. The couple moved close to each other. Salia secured her husband’s hands and feet with the sheets. She fastened her own feet and tied her hands behind her back.

“This is beautiful. You did this to yourselves. Now you’ve got to listen to the rest of my tale or I could just continue yelling. What’s it going to be?”

“Neither,” Salia had not tied her arms up completely. She reached for her purse and produced a butterfly knife, engaged the blade, and flung it directly at Josephus’ chest. It penetrated his chest cavity and entered his heart. The blood soaked the uniform. lThe tiny man dropped to his knees. He fell down and forward, plunging the knife further into his chest. Salia undid her foot restraints. She reached Len and continued to undo him as well.

They kissed and hugged.

“This has been some night. First candle lit dinner and wine and then a stabbing death against an intruder. We know how to party, don’t we baby?” Len said.

“I’d say so. Simon: Call the cops,” Salia commanded.