Xander & Kevin Save The F*cking Universe

Wednesday had started as most other Wednesdays usually did for Xander. His alarm went off at 6:31am, (he had a thing about prime numbers, so had set his alarm one minute later than normal, at 631.) He did his general ablutions, dressed, and went into his kitchen to put the coffee machine on. He turned on the digital radio which sat on his benchtop for some background noise, then put some bread in the toaster. Before he knew it, the radio announcer introduced the 7:30 news and it was time to go. He grabbed his lunch from the fridge, chucked it unceremoniously into his back pack, along with his keys and phone, then left for work.

Luckily the office was only a short bus ride away, so he had plenty of time, and sauntered along the pavement in no great hurry. Up ahead, he saw the mottled ginger and black cat that always seemed to be in that same spot, perched on the wall outside the derelict, boarded-up town house. And as usual, as he approached, the cat began meowing at him, in a constant stream, and stretching its head out to be rubbed. And as usual Xander did just that as he passed. It was at this point that normality disappeared from Xander’s life and the madness started. He said to the cat, as always did,

“Morning Cat.” He had only got about one step away when a voice behind him said,

“Kevin.” Xander stopped and spun around, but could see no-one else within earshot. He looked at the cat, then leant over to see if any one ways hiding behind the wall, but there was no-one. He thought he heard an exasperated sigh, and again looked at the cat, which stared solemnly back at him.

“Did you hear that cat?” He asked, somewhat ridiculously, not expecting an answer; but getting one.

“Of course I fucking heard it. I said it.” Replied the cat.

Xander blinked and leant against the wall. Words escaped him for a moment, and he looked around hoping to see some ventriloquist playing a prank, but the likelihood of this seemed pretty low.

“You’re a cat.” He replied somewhat obviously.

“Yes, I’m a cat, and my name is Kevin.” The cat said, with some slight irritation. “For almost 3 years you have been coming past here and calling me ‘cat’, just a generic, catch all word. How would you like it if I just called you ‘Human’ every day I saw you.”

“Well, how was I supposed to know your name, you don’t even have a collar and tag on.” Xander replied.

“You could have fucking asked.” Kevin, who was a cat, responded.

“But you’re a cat! Why would I ask a cat its name, that’s crazy.” Xander exclaimed.

Kevin appeared to be raising one non-existent eyebrow at him. Hi shoulders sagged and he looked back at the cat, who was just watching him studiously. Xander took a deep breath and asked.

“So, as you said, I have been walking past you every weekday for the past three years or so. Why have you never spoken to me before?”

“Never had anything important to say before. It wasn’t time.” Came the reply.

“What, not even important stuff like me knowing your name? And what do you mean ‘it wasn’t time’?”

Xander replied, somewhat sarcastically.

“The name thing was just an opener really, and it had been seriously pissing me off.” Kevin said.

“You’re very sweary for a cat.” Xander stated simply.

“Well, fuck you very much.” Came the barbed reply. Xander thought the cat was smirking, but it was hard to tell. “But it is time now, I have something very important to tell you.” The cat took a dramatic pause, then continued. “You, my friend, are going to save the fucking universe.”

Xander stared at the cat for a few seconds, and then burst into hysterical laughter. Kevin looked on emotionless, until Xander’s guffaws had reduced to the occasional, uncontrollable giggle.

“I know, right?” Kevin said. “That was my initial reaction when the Cat Council first put me on this project. That fuckwit? I said. But he’s an incompetent buffoon, doesn’t know his arse from his elbow, I said. About as much use as a one-legged human in a dog kicking contest, I said. That one raised a titter from the council I can tell you. There must be someone more suitable, or with at least half a fucking brain, or…” At this point, Xander interrupted, his hilarity now gone.

“Okay, okay, I get the picture. So, if I am so much of a ‘fuckwit’ as you so eloquently put it, why did the Cat Council choose, and come to that, who are the fucking Cat Council? This is insane. I should be on the 213 bus on the way to work now, not talking to a cat about Cat Councils and saving the universe. I’m finally having a mental breakdown. I knew it was coming. I’ve been working too hard, and..” As he continued his rant, Kevin the cat leapt from the wall onto Xander’s shoulder and swatted him across the face three times sharply.

“Snap out of it kid. You’re causing a scene. We do not need any unwanted attention.”

Xander looked up, and the ‘Scene” he was causing, which consisted of one little old lady eyeing him suspiciously from across the street.

“Sorry.” He apologised. ‘This is all very surreal. Lets go back to mine so we can, well… talk.”

“No, you come into mine, I have stuff here I need to show you.” With that he jumped from Xander’s shoulder back onto the wall.

“You have a ‘place’?” He asked incredulously.

“What, you think I sleep in a dustbin in the alleyway like fucking Top Cat? Come on, and stay close, but stay behind me until I’ve deactivated the defences, or you could get vapourised.” Came Kevin’s authoritative reply.

“Vapourised!?” Xander exclaimed as he hurriedly vaulted over the wall and followed the ca…Kevin towards the rear of the ramshackle dwelling.

When Xander turned the corner into the backyard, Kevin was already stood on his hind legs, purposefully touching a starshaped set of buttons on the wall with his front paws using surprising dexterity. There was a light hiss and a large section of the rear wall sort of, folded in on itself, leaving a hole around 3x3 meters.

“Bit extravagant for a cat, isn’t it?” Xander found himself saying, “Couldn’t you have just put a cat flap in?”

Kevin looked back over one furry shoulder at Xander and said,

“Hardy fucking ha ha. Get your arse in gear and come in before I set the vaporiser on you.” Kevin had already entered the building and was disappearing into the shadows. Xander thought for a split second about turning tail and running away, but curiosity got the better of him, and you know how that ended up for the cat. He hurried in after Kevin, partly not wanting to lose sight of him, and partly because he thought the whole vaporiser thing was not just an idle threat. He had already seen too much today to think otherwise.

Once inside the house, it was hard to make out much, it was almost pitch black. Xander shuffled forwards slowly afraid of bumping into something.

“Kevin?” he called out nervously, “Kevin? I know cats can see in the dark, but any chance of a bit of light for me?”

Xander heard Kevins voice from some distance away saying.

“Alexa, lights on.”

“You have Alexa?” Xander exclaimed with surprise, as the room was flooded with an ambient white glow, that seemed to emanate from nowhere in particular.

“Yeah course, don’t you?” Kevin respond, entering into the room from a door to the front half of the house.

Xander didn’t reply. He shouldn’t be surprised, not really. I mean, a fucking talking cat. Instead he said,

“What is this place?” He looked around and dozens of panels with flashing lights and a large Perspex sheet which covered one entire wall and seemed to have some sort of a map drawn on it. But the map appeared to be moving. “I mean, from the outside it looks like a derelict house.” He then spun round and exclaimed once more, “Oh my god! Is it like Dr Who’s TARDIS? Do you have a chameleon circuit. Is it bigger on the inside than outside?”

“For fucks sake kid, grow up.” Xander’s shoulders sagged as he turned to look at the cat. But then Kevin continued, “But, we do use a technology called Camouflage and Open Concealment Kinetics.”

Xander thought for a moment then smiled and said, “So, you use C.O.C.K. technology?”

“Yeah, an unfortunate acronym I know, but it wasn’t a word we knew before coming to earth.”

Kevin continued, “And technically, it is larger on the inside, but due to being a dimensional portal, time and space are all relative in here.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down pussycat.” Xander said. Kevin glared at him. “Sorry, Kevin, just a turn of phrase, but you said ‘before coming to earth’?”

“Well, you don’t think this advanced technology came from humans, do you?” Kevin chuckled to himself and then continued. “We’re actually from an alternative dimension that was becoming overcrowded, and when we discovered how to open the portal, we started emigrating here. For the most part we were taken in and taken care of by humans right from the get go, so it became a very attractive place for us. Of course there are some arseholes out there who abuse any animals, but only a small minority.”

Xander pondered for a moment then asked.

“So why didn’t you make contact and talk to humans when you first arrived?”

“Oh we did.” Kevin replied, the slightest tinge of sadness in his voice. “But anyone who tried was accused of witchcraft or being a demon or some such fucking nonsense. You have to remember, this was a looonnng time ago. People were much simpler then, and very superstitious. So we found it better to just keep shtum, it was too much of a good life to fuck up.”

Xander ran this through his mind for a while. He knew there had been cats around when there were pharaohs in Egypt, which meant they had been coming here for thousands of years. Xander looked at Kevin with renewed wonder. Again he pondered this, then asked.

“So, how old are you?”

Kevin looked up and seemed to be having an internal debate with himself about his response.

“We… we don’t really measure age like you humans.” He paused for a moment, considering. “You know that saying you humans have about cats having nine lives? It’s kind of true. We kind of, regenerate, once in a awhile.”

“Oh my god! You are fucking Dr Who!!” Xander began laughing again. Kevin sighed and half nodded.

“Okay, you got me There was a certain… interaction with a Mr Sydney Newman back in 1960, and he ...well, he betrayed a trust and used some information he shouldn’t have.”

Xander almost laughed, but realised Kevin was being serious, and simply said,

“Fuuucck!”

“Yeah.” Kevin replied. “Another reason not to trust humans with the truth.”

There was an uneasy silence for awhile as the two processed the information they had just exchanged.

After a time, Xander said,

“Sooo, I’m still finding it a bit weird talking to a cat.” He then asked, “Can you assume another form.”

Kevin looked at him incredulously.

“I might be Dr Who, but I’m not a fucking shape shifter.”

“Sorry.” Xander replied. “This is just a lot to process right now.”

“I get that kid, but you need to get up to speed pretty quick. Shit is going to go down and we need to be ready.’ Kevin responded. “I have something that might help.”

He walked over to a console standing against one wall and pushed a button. Next to him, a drawer popped out and hooking one paw beneath it, he fished a device from a drawer. To Xander, the device looked like a metal food colander with spark plugs attached and wires hanging off of it, connected to the console.

“Put this on.” He said, thrusting the device towards Xander.

Xander looked at it, and said, “No fucking way man! What is it, some kind of mind wiping device?”

“No you fucking idiot. Do you think I’d go to all this trouble to erase your memory?” Was Kevin’s response. “It is a data to brain input device, you will automatically know everything you need to at the drop of a hat. I just don’t have time to fill you on the past millennia of information required for this mission.”

Xander looked suspiciously at the helmet, but without further protest, placed it on his head. He felt stupid. He then panicked slightly as he felt the thing shrinking and squeezing closer to his scalp.

“Don’t worry,” Remarked Kevin casually. “it has an automatic fitting adjustment and it very rarely squeezes too tight and cracks your skull like and egg.”

”That’s... comforting, in an overly specific kind of way, and with the ambivalent use of the word ‘rarely’.” Xander replied.

“Okay, now hold still, when the transfer starts, it only takes seconds, but some people have been known to find it a little overwhelming. But don’t worry, rarely has anyone gone completely insane and gone on a murderous rampage because of the process.”

“Again, very specific scenario there.” Xander replied.

Kevin ignored this comment and said,

“Okay, try and empty you mind, here it comes.”, shouldn’t be hard for you.

Xander barely had time to shoot Kevin a disapproving look before his brain exploded. Well, metaphorically exploded, as thousands of terabytes of information shot through his brain. Synapses that had lain dormant all his life, began passing information, areas of his brain hitherto unused fizzed into life and filled with data.

When he came to, the first thing Xander saw was Kevin’s face, waaay to close to his own. When he saw Xander’s eyes opening, Kevin quickly retreated, then spoke the comforting words.

“Ah, good. You’re alive.”

Xander just looked at him and sighed. His head was throbbing terribly. It felt like his brain was rapidly inflating and deflating inside his skull. He rubbed his temples and sat up, simultaneously swinging his legs off the side of the bed he had been lying in. Kevin was still studying him with some concern.

“What?” Said Xander, “Why are you looking at me like that?”

Kevin seemed to exhale a long-held in breath and replied.

“Oh good, you can talk. So you’re not a vegetable.”

“Let me guess,” Xander replied sarcastically, “Rarely has anyone turned into a vegetable after the process.”

Kevin muttered under his breath, but loud enough for Xander to hear,

“Still an arsehole then, no change there,” Then before Xander could respond Kevin continued. “Oh no it happens more often than not that one actually. You’re one of the lucky ones.” Once more Xander looked at him incredulously, left speechless. Kevin pretended to ignore this and went on.

“Now, you may not feel any different initially, it takes the brain awhile to assimilate and process the information, particular for the mentally challenged.”

Xander finally found his voice again, and replied indignantly,

“You know, cat, “ he purposely over emphasised the word cat, “for someone who you are wanting to help save the universe, you might consider treating me with a little more respect!”

“Sorry,” The cat replied. “You’re right, my job is just very stressful and you’re the only one around to vent at.”

“It must be very onerous having the fate of the universe on your shoulders.” Xander replied, as a kind of peace offering.

They sat in an awkward silence for a while. Finally Xander said.

“Right, come on. The universe isn’t going to save itself. Let’s get moving. What’s our next step?” He watched as Kevin the cat visibly shook of his self-pity and stood up straight on his hindlegs, which if he was honest, still freaked Xander out a little bit. It looked so, so…unnatural.

“We need to go to the transporter room an…” Kevin began, but Xander interrupted.

“My god, Dr Who and Star Trek? This is too good!”

Kevin sighed again, he seemed to do a lot of that, and replied.

“Yes, it’s Star Trek, if that’s helps you deal. Now come on follow me. Kevin strode to the front of the house, an area Xander had not seen yet. They passed through another room which was empty with the exception of a large purple crystal which sat in the centre of the floor and almost reached the domed ceiling above.

In the next room there were three chairs. Ordinary looking, metal, folding chairs. Beneath each chair was a circular light which pulsed a pale blue light. An identical one was reflected in the ceiling directly above.

Xander couldn’t help but look disappointed.

“Is this it?” he asked, unable to keep the disillusionment from his voice.

“It works, and that’s the main thing.” Kevin replied slightly huffily. “Now sit down, it will take a few minutes for the machine to map your bio-pattern for the transfer. Mine’s already in there, so as soon as you’re done, we can go.”

Xander sat gingerly on the centre chair, but before his buttocks had touched the seat, Kevin yelled.

“NOT THAT ONE!” Xander leapt up as if the seat was red hot. “That’s my chair!”

“Well perhaps you could have mentioned that before telling me to sit down Mr Brainiac!” Xander yelled back.

Again, Kevin apologised.

“Sorry, I’m just so used to being on my own it didn’t even occur to me. That is the one my DNA is mapped into, so to save time, please use either of the other seats.” Hi voice was slightly tinged with sadness, making Xander feel a little guilty.

Once Xander had settled into a seat, (He picked the left one), Kevin began punching buttons on a large panel once again with surprising dexterity and speed. A green sine wave appeared on the screen above.

“Okay, hold still as you can.” And before Xander could reply, Kevin slapped a big red button in the middle of the console. The green sine wave on the screen above sprung into life, zigging, and zagging wildly above and below the central marker. Xander felt a slight tingling sensation, and the hairs on his arms began to stand on end, as if he were near a source of static electricity. The process only took a couple of minutes, as Kevin had promised, and then the machine let out a beep and everything went quite.

“Okay said Kevin, that seemed to work.” He walked to the centre chair and sat down.

“Wait, what do you mean, seemed to work?” Xander asked nervously. Kevin looked at him, as he pressed a button on the small remote he was holding and said.

“Don’t worry. Rarely has anyone been disassemble and been re-assembled inside out at th..” Before he had finished his sentence, they had both disappeared from their chairs, leaving a slight vortex of air to fill in the space they left behind.

Right now, Xander really hated his life. His body and mind had been through the wringer in the past few hours, and as he was bend over, naked, leaning again the wall, vomiting, he felt at a new low. Gradually his stomach stopped heaving, he spat out a few strands of pukey saliva, the n stood and turned around.

He was in a room approximately 7 or 8 meters square. The walls appeared to be made of metal and the area itself was sparely furnished, a desk an chair stood in one corner, and a bed diagonally opposite. There was some sort of hatchway, which reminded Xander of one of the old style dumb waiters, and a double doorway, currently closed. There was a touch pad to the right of the door, which glowed red.

Kevin was sat at the desk, having a conversation in a language Xander didn’t recognise. At first. But as he listened, the words began to, sort of, make sense in his head and he found himself understanding snatches, the whole sentences, and then everything. It was at this point Xander noticed he was naked.

“What the fuck!” He exclaimed. “Where are my clothes?” Kevin looked around and said, offhandedly,

“Yeah, sorry kid, forgot to mention, the transporter only channels living matter, you’re lucky you came out with your hair and fingernails, which are technically dead.”

“Well, that’s just fine and dandy, but what am I going to wear? I need some clothes.” Xander replied.

“Nah, no need here.” Said Kevin simply.

“Excuse me! But yeah, yes need anywhere!” Xander exclaimed.

Kevin looked him up and down, then said.

“I wouldn’t worry kid, from what I’ve seen, you’re not a bad specimen. For a human.”

“Well, at last, a sort of complemen…” But before he could finish, Kevin added.

“Shame about the undersized genitals though.” Kevin saw Xander’s face and then doubled over laughing. “Sorry kid, just messin’ with ya. Couldn’t resist it. I know how much importance you humans place on your sexual organs.”

“Well I’m glad you’re enjoying yourself. I’ve been brain fried, tingle scanned and transported to fuck knows where, lost my clothes, and puked my breakfast up!” Xander knew he was sounding slightly hysterical, but was unable to stop. He had been through a lot this morning. “I am constantly being ridiculed by a, by a fucking feline version of Groucho Marx and now I’m expected to save the fucking universe!!”

“Take a breath kid. I’m sorry. I know it’s been a lot to take in, but we are very close now and you need to hold it together.” Kevin mollified. Then ruined it by adding, “and then you can go back to your mundane, boring little life on earth.”

Xander began to gather his anger for another tirade directed at his feline tormentor, but was interested by the sound of the doors to the room swishing open. They sounded just like the ones on Star Trek. Xander couldn’t help but grin. A small robot skittered into the room, ran over to the puddle of Xander’s vomit, then a proboscis type straw thing lowered into the puddle and sucked it up, lumps and all. Then, it sprayed some liquid on the area, and a small sponge was lowered down and rubbed over the area. The funny thing was, while it was sucking up his puke, Xander could have sworn he heard the thing gagging, which started Xander’s stomach rolling again.

“Cool.” He whispered. “Wish I had a robot like that at home.”

“Why, do you do a lot of puking in your house?” Kevin said, now turned back to the computer screen. “And, not a robot. It’s one of the indigenous rodents that live here, they appear metallic but it is just a defence mechanism. They are very useful, as they live mostly off of whatever we excrete, be it shit or vomit. Helps keep the place sanitary.”

“I could have sworn I heard it gagging.” Xander have asked, half thinking out loud.

“Must be because they’re not used to human waste.” Kevin offered. “It’s kind of neat the way they sterilise and mop the area afterwards though, don’t you think?”

“Well, yes, I suppose so.” Xander replied weakly. “Now, I really must insist on having some clothing. It might be fine for your species to wander round, todger dangling, but I’m used to being covered up. I may not be able to save the universe if I’m naked.” As he spoke the words, Xander realised how pathetic they sounded, but it was too late to take them back.

“Look kid, I have a fair bit of organising to do for the next part of out mission. If it really bothers you that much, there is a synthesiser down the corridor. Out the door, turn left and you can’t miss it.” Kevin said.

“I don’t see how and electronic piano is going to help.” Xander shot back.

Kevin spun on his chair once more.

“Are you fucking kidding me right now?” He saw Xander staring blankly back at him. Kevin gave of one of his now familiar sighs. “It is a matter synthesiser. Just read the instruction on the side panel, and it will generate you some clothes.”

Xander flushed and replied, “Ah yes, of course, the old matter synthesiser, silly me. Okay, I’ll be off then. Go and synthesise some clothes. Hopefully the won’t be made of synthetic material, makes me sweat a bit. Cotton would be good, I…”

Before he could continue his ramblings, Kevin shouted, simply,

“GO!”

So Xander went. With some trepidation he approached the doors and to his relief they swished open as he did so. The corridor was very similar to the room he had just left, except it was a corridor. The metallic walls had a curve to them, suggesting they were in a round structure of some sort. He looked to his left and saw some flashed lights, which he took to be the synthesis machine and headed towards it.

Around five minutes later, Kevin was still sat at his desk, when he heard a commotion out side the room. Curious, he got up and went to the doors, and as they swished open, he was greeted by a bizarre sight.

Xander stood in front of him, still naked. However he appeared to have a Chelsea Bun covering each ear, two ice cream cones, one over each nipple and what looked like a few dozen squirrels clambering over his body, and darting in and out between his legs.

“What the fu…” For once Kevin was left almost speechless.

“Yeah,” Xander began. ”I got a bit flustered when it said it used psychometric interfacing, and for some reason I started thinking of Princess Leah in Star Wars, and the cartoon character Chip ‘n’ Dale kind of dropped in there…”

All Kevin could say was.

“For fucksake kid. Come on, lets go down and sort this out.’

A few minutes later, they were back in the room, Xander munching on a Chelsea Bun. He wore a simple polo shirt and shorts, and what appeared to be squirrel skin shoes.

“Okay kid, I’ve T’ed it up with the boss. Time to go to the helix. This is it buddy.” Kevin said

Xander was a little taken aback by Kevin’s use of the word ‘buddy’. It was the first time he had used a familiar name and it worried Xander.

Kevin had already marched towards the doors and was half way along the corridor before Xander caught up.

“What is the helix?” He asked. “You still haven’t told me what it is I actually have to do the save the fucking universe, and I getting a bit nervous. Kevin gave him a sideways glance as they walked.

“The helix is the master switch that holds all of reality together, think of it as being a sort of god. It didn’t create the universe, but it is the thing that runs through everything and everyone like a web, connecting the universe. Without it, things could fly apart, spin out of control, smash into each other. Truth is, we don’t really know. But we need to reset the equilibrium before it tilts too much in one direction.”

“And how, exactly, do we, or rather I, reset the equilibrium.” Xander asked simply.

“You have to go into the heart of the helix and turn the magnetron through 180 degrees, to counter the imbalance. Now, we are here. Once you pass through this door, the universe is in you hands Xander.” It was the first time the cat had used Xander’s name and this worried him.

“So what exactly am I looking for?” Xander asked.

“You’ll know it when you see it. Pass through the strands of the helix and at the centre you will find the magnetron. It must be reset to zero to maintain balance.”

“Okaaay…” Xander replied, a little sceptically. “Off we go into the helix then. With that he walked towards the door in front of him. This time it didn’t open, but sort of reached out, grabbed him, and sucked him through itself. It was a very, very weird experience. And he was naked again. He looked down, sighed, shrugged, and strode forwards.

The ‘strands’ of the helix looked to Xander like a mixture of strips of foil and crepe paper, covered in glitter. He brushed through them unhindered. The path wound on and he walked for a few minutes, occasionally having stop to unravel what appeared to be party popper streamers from his feet and head. Finally, he reached a large round clearing, with a large silver column standing in the centre.

Xander approached it warily. As he drew nearer, he could see a large, rotary dial on the column. It was about the size of his head and around it, on the surface of the column, where some words he couldn’t quite make out yet. Finally he stood in front of the column, and he read the words written around the dial. Top and centre was just one word. It was ‘zero’. To the left, at around 8 o’clock of a clockface, were the words ‘Too High’. To the right, at around 4 o’ clock on a clockface were the words ‘Too Low’ The dial of the rotary switch was currently two thirds of the way towards the ’Too High’ position.

Xander grabbed the dial and turned it to the right, until the pointer was at zero. He was expecting some resistance, but it turned easily.Nothing happened.

“You have got to be kidding me.” Xander muttered. He looked around, the only change he could see was that the strands of the helix had turned into a multitude of different colours and were dancing around and intertwining with one another, forming plaits and spirals.

He checked around the pillar to make sure he hadn’t missed anything, and finding nothing, began making his way back the way he had come. He eventually reached the door and was once again sucked through back into the corridor.

Kevin was still there, looking happier than Xander had ever seen him. He rushed up to Xander on his hind legs and wrapped his front legs (arms? Xander was now thoroughly confused about the creature’s anatomy) around Xander’s knees.

“You did it kid. You saved the fucking universe!”

Xander was still confused.

“Well yeah, it was a piece of piss. Just had to turn that big old dial round to zero.”

“You are a hero Xander, your name will go down in the annals of history as the saviour of reality.” Kevin effused.

“But all I did was turn a dial. Surely even you could have done that. I don’t understand why you needed me.” Xander responded.

“Oh, you are too modest Xander, we could never have done it without you, not without opposable thumbs.” Kevin said.

Xander stopped in his tracks.

“What?” he said. “What did you just say?”

“Well, we’re cats, we don’t have opposable thumbs so it was impossible for us to turn the dial, lord knows we tried.” Was Kevin’s response.

Xander was dumbfound. He shook his head and stared at the cat.

“What about all that bullshit, ‘Oh, you are the chosen one, only you can save the universe?’”

Kevin looked at the floor, and swished one paw back and forth in front of himself on the floor.

“Well, the council said we needed someone insignificant, that wouldn’t upset the balance if they didn’t make it. But we had to make you think you were important so that you’d go through with it.”

“So the only reason I’m here is because I am disposable and have opposable thumbs!! For fucks sake!” Xander strode away from Kevin in, what he hoped, was the direction of the transporter room. Not turn, he shouted back at Kevin the cat.

“Take me home, right now. I’ve saved the fucking universe and I want to go home!!”

Kevin sighed one of his sighs, and said quietly.

"Fucking drama queen." Then followed Xander down the corridor.