Wrongful Conviction

Hansel & Gretel the Gluttons

This all started when those rotten kids kept eating my house. I am a lonely widow and can't afford to build a house out of anything more than treats. Everytime I add something to the house the little brats come by and eat it. No respect for their elders and no regard for anyone or anything other than their disgusting little sweet tooths.

So...one day I finally had enough and decided to put a stop to their destructive ways. I baked a smorgasbord of treats and riddled them throughout the woods leading straight to my house. The scavengers found the trail as expected and followed, devouring every crumb along the way.

When they reached the house I opened the door dressed to the nines and beckoned them in with more sweets. Once inside I shoved the fat little boy into the oven. His sister was pretty quick but I snatched her up by the feet, stuffed her into my Dutch oven, and threw the lid on.

The whole house smelled terrible by the time they were cooked and unfortunately, some travelers caught wind of it. They sent local law enforcement in to investigate and they found the kids where I left them. I may be locked up but those dirty little pests will not be tormenting old ladies anymore.

Snow White and the Power Nap

Snow White was a horrid vain child. Everyone thought I was jealous of her but truthfully, I could not stand her vanity. It was unbecoming of a lady. I told Snow that she needed to fix her attitude if she lived under my roof and the girl didn’t listen. Instead, she ran off to squat in a frat house with a bunch of short guys.

The first couple of days she was there she cooked and cleaned so they would let her stay but then she stopped doing anything to help. So, they kicked her to the curb. Snow was living in the forest at this point. Homeless and still vain. Can you imagine?! Anyhow, I sent a guy out to bring her back and she claimed I sent him to kill her. The group of guys let her back into the house out of pity.

I decided that she needed my help whether she wanted it or not, so I gathered some food to take to her. While I was talking to Snow she bit into an apple and choked causing her to faint. I had no clue how to do the Heimlich or CPR. Anyhow, this sharp dressed guy shows up and revives her. She tells him and the frat boys that I am a murderous witch and next thing you know PD shows up at the castle entrance to haul me off to jail.

Cinderella – The Witch You Know

What is the point of this? No one is going to believe me anyway. Fine. You want the truth; you can have it. It all started when I met this amazing man. He wasn’t very bright, but he was a hard worker and a caring person. As a single mother, I fell head over heels for the guy. Not those ridiculous glass heels that Cinderella was parading around in either, the real deal. What I didn’t know about this amazing guy was the disaster of a daughter he had.

When I first met Cinderella, she seemed okay, and I thought the girls and I would get along with her fine. Her father went off on a business trip and it was the first time we had been alone with her. On the first day, everything seemed normal. The next night, however, there was some witchy chanting and some of the most horrid smells you could imagine.

We weren’t living in the best part of town so we figured it might be some of the locals cooking poor man's stew. You know, the kind you don’t question ya just chew. That night we let it go, but we were met with surprise in the morning. My oldest daughter had grown a schnoz that looked like an over-ripe carrot! My youngest daughter woke up bigger than any person I had ever seen and we aren't talking reach the top shelf big! Talk about an uncomfortable breakfast.

Anyways, over the next few days, these strange and terrible events kept occurring. After a while, I started to catch on to Cinderella. She would dance and sing with a bunch of sickly rats. I caught her over a cauldron in her bedroom throwing in some pretty grotesque stuff. She looked up at me and gave me the creepiest smile I had ever seen.

I quickly closed the door and went to check on my daughters. I told them what I had found and that I believed Cinderella was secretly a witch. We had to come up with a plan to escape without her knowing before any more harm came to my girls. Next thing we know, some guy shows up and invites us to a ball at the castle. This was perfect timing. If I could set one of the girls up with the prince, then we could easily leave Cinderella and her wicked ways behind.

Unfortunately, Cinderella found out about the ball and decided to crash my party. She turned a rotten pumpkin into a carriage and a couple of rats into horses. The girl was absolutely out of her mind and power-hungry. We get to the ball, and she pulls up not far behind wearing those stupid glass slippers. I mean really, who can dance around on blocks of glass and not be a witch.

She completely absorbs the prince’s attention and ruins our chance of escape. We head back to the house just to find that her enchantments on the pumpkin and rats wore off so she was out of time. Once again, she was quick to devise a plan and she dropped one of those blasted slippers for the prince to be able to find her.

Anyhow, you know how they end up, happily married and all that. Cinderella told the prince that I had kept her locked in a room by herself and wouldn’t feed her. Can you believe that?! That rotten witch got me locked up while she gets to go live in a castle!