Woke Up!

WOKE UP !

Trigger Warning

The degree of bias against gender dysphoria in this piece of writing cannot be overstated. It reflects the kind of societal norms that progressive Woke culture is so personfully trying to replace. Be that as it may, nothing will ever stop the bitching … sorry, not bitching, wash my mouth out - much too exclusive! Dogging? God no! Not dogging for Christ’s sake - and not purely for reasons of exclusivity.

Try ‘Sarcastically inflexioned tone of voice ascribed as being delivered in a scathing manner by a breeding canine with a womb’, perhaps?’ Hmmm? Doesn’t have quite the same ring. But it is very woke.

"Shirley: that's a nice name. How about Shirley? And it's sort of non gender specific as well. There used to be a wrestler called Shirley." The speaker stroked the infant's face with their hand, smiling benevolently at their life partner who looked back clasping hands under their chin anxiously.

"We don't know. A little recherché perhaps? What will non-familial companions think? We don't want to be considered too pre-millennial."

"What do we think, then?" asked their non-binary specific birth partner.

"We really think we should ask them," said the birther, stroking their beard in thought and nodding at the gurgling infant, "when they've decided which strata of the sexual spectrum they wish to occupy."

"H'mmm, " said the birth partner, lifting a corner of the diaper and receiving a squirt of urine for their trouble. "It sort of looks cut and dried to us. But, in the meantime we have to call them something. 'They' sounds a bit impersonal and 'Baby' could be the cause of some parental/offspring friction when their non-familial companions come round to play, take the piss and trash their bedroom."

"We don't intend there to be any parental/offspring friction at all!" retorted the birther, "otherwise there will be some very seriously amenable but admonitory conversations to be had."

"In our great grandparents' day, a good clip around the ear would have circumvented any latent animosity," said the birth partner, drawing a gasp of scandalization from the birther.

"The infant would be would be scarred for life! No wonder climate change is increasing at the rate it is! They never understood the value of social responsibility! How unwoke they must have been."

The birth partner shrugged their shoulders. "We certainly live in enlightened times dear."

There was a sharp gasp of admonition. "We do not use such degrading forms of address! What if our proximal non-familial companions should hear? The walls are very thin!"

The birthing partner hung their head. "We are sorry. We got carried away with the emotion of the occasion."

There was a 'tut' of considered exasperation. "We really should not suppress our feelings by expressions of regret for considered opinions honestly shared. It demeans an individual's integrity and self worth."

"We know. But we find it so difficult to remember to be Woke all the time. We try to model ourselves on our proximal non-familial companions three doors down, but they are so Woke it fair puts us off our Vegan breakfast sometimes."

"We have to agree, although it pains us to admit it. A right pair of bitches they are. Them and their Holier Than Thee offspring. We swear that one of those is disgustingly straight. We don't know how they can stand the shame."

"We know. Last week they even held a door open for us so that we could go through first. We have never felt so demeaned in our lives. And what's more when they enquired after the baby's health they - they ... "the birth partner lowered their voice. "...they used the personal pronoun attributing it to a specific sex."

"No!" the cry was anguished. "But that is tantamount to Hate Crime. We hope that we reported them to the Thought Police. The baby will be traumatised."

"We didn't think it appropriate. The baby was asleep and the individual must be very confused, being straight. They are only young and were showing what they thought was consideration."

"More like condescension! We should at least reprimand the birther - whichever one of them it is. Call themselves Woke? More like sleep walking into moral lassitude." They rubbed their hands through their beard again in frustration. "I didn't carry this infant for nine months to have it traumatised through thoughtless acts!”

The birth partner held out a hand in sympathy “Yes, we know. It must have been so difficult to get behind the wheel of that excavator after the second trimester. We wouldn't have liked to have done it."

Mollified, the birther patted the hand and the birth partner pulled it away in embarrassment fiddling with their agender necklace and there was a moment of mutual regard. The moment was destroyed by a sudden scream for attention from the infant. The birth partner reached out to comfort it but was brought up short by another retort from the birther. “ No! Giving in to demands at this stage will only lead to feelings of superiority in later life. Equality is the watchword by which we stand."

"But we think the diaper may need changing," said the birth partner, holding the infant up at arms’ length and sniffing delicately.

"Oh." The birther pulled a distasteful face. "Oh, well, in that case, since we have the infant in our hands now," they said, " perhaps ... "

The birth partner made a moué with their lips. "But we did it last time! What happened to equality?"

The birther wiped fingers down their jacket front distastefully. "But with those delicate little hands we do it so much better than us. We will make the bottle up instead."

Around a mouthful of safety pins the birth partner said, indistinctly, "We do wonder sometimes whether almond milk is a good substitute for ... " and here the birth partner appeared a little embarrassed "...well ...'mother's' milk. Sorry. We shouldn't have said that," they said quickly.

The birther paused in measuring out and glared suspiciously at their life partner. "Are we really suggesting that the infant should be given cannibalistic tendencies? We thought better of us."

The birth partner powdered the infant's bottom. "No, of course not. It's just that in Third World Countries where they don't enjoy the same enlightenment, it's traditional to give babies the breast ... " they finished lamely.

"And the clue, we think, is in the words 'Third World Countries'” the birther smiled, demurely. "Our generation and mindset is the future of the planet. Never forget that," they said, testing the temperature of the milk on their elbow and handing it to their birth partner.

The baby took a long pull at the teat, puckered its face and promptly threw up whilst the life partners looked on in consternation. "Well," said the birther, “it is an acquired taste." Hurriedly they dipped a comforter in a jar of honey and stuffed it in the yowling infant's mouth and the caterwauling abated temporarily.

"We do wonder sometimes, whether we are cut out for this parenting business," the birther said at last.

"We could employ an infant support care partner, we suppose," their life partner said.

The birther nodded thoughtfully. "It would be the solution," they agreed. "They would need to fulfil a lot of criteria, though. They would have to be as Woke as we are of course. They would preferably be of ethnic extraction with some sort of - preferably hidden - disability. And, above all, they should not be straight! We wouldn't want our progeny turning out like the one down the road! "

"Right," said the life partner. "We'll get onto it first thing in the morning."

"Which leaves us with just one problem" said the birther. "The support worker is probably going to want to refer to their charge by name. So what are we going to call them in the meantime?"

"Childe! " exclaimed the birth partner in sudden inspiration. "How about Childe – with an ‘E’? It sounds indisputable, it's strictly factual, and could be seen as absolutely androgynous."

The birther smiled. "Childe! Of course. What a brilliant idea. We knew there was a reason why we chose us as a life-partner. And that will certainly put one over on those butch-dyke bitches three doors down. They've only got numbers for their three yet. Childe it is!"