Winter Solstice

To be the witness for your own self-destruction is nothing like people believe. You don’t wake up one day and realize you’ve changed.

It’s gradual. Slow and agonizing. You see the old you dying. You watch helplessly as if you and the person you’re becoming are separate beings living in the same body. You’re on autopilot, and this new you has dominion over your actions… over your mind.

Thoughts you’d never thought possible enter your head and eventually come out of your mouth… or manifest in your actions.

This new you doesn’t always have control.

There are days you feel like yourself…

But those days slowly dwindle until you’re unsure of who exactly you were before.

And you sit there one day, being the old you for the first time in a while, and you know you shouldn’t because it’ll break you, but you do anyway – you look back at the destruction in your wake, the one the new you has left behind while you watched from the sidelines.

And looking does exactly what you knew it would; it breaks you. You see the snaking shatter lines in your heart, running deep into your soul. And you desperately try to seal it, make it better, do better… but it’s not enough, it never is.

So, you slip, to avoid the pain it causes you. Because your new you has made your own mind a place you hate living in. And new you takes over again, convincing you it’ll protect you from the pain. From the pain it created in the first place. Saying we have to become this way to protect us from the pain the world is bound to cause us. And being broken and defeated, too tired to fight… you believe it. You let it happen and bury what little love and light you had inside in a safe place where no one will find it and crush it.

And it saves you from the pain, but the destruction doesn’t stop. It continues until you and the new you are no longer differentiable. No one is able to see who you were in you. It has become you.

I’ve always viewed my inner-self as a large pond. It used to be so peaceful and serene; trees of the most luscious shade of green bloomed joyously around the water rippling with the wind and glistening in the warmth of the sunshine beaming from a white dotted vast blue sky… But now it has become a desolate wasteland. The trees are dead and bare, dark and scary grey clouds consumed the skies and blocked the beautiful sun. And the pond? It froze over and stilled. Everything covered in blanket of harsh, cold and never-ending snow.

Who is to blame?

At this point, it doesn’t even matter what caused it. Or more like, I can’t quite remember the reason anymore. It’s blurred and cold. Hurts to try and think about it.

So, I keep living on autopilot to get through life.

But don’t think no one else can see the shift in you. They can. That’s what you want but it’s also what you fear.

The people in my life have given up on trying to help me, trying to fix me – they can’t get through to the person I want them to see because this new me has made our pride too strong. I’m caged and it won’t let anyone help me. Won’t let them see the pain we’ve buried, because it’s convinced it’ll also expose the evil it has made us commit. It persuaded me that they would be disgusted at who we’ve become, they’ll push us away and leave us all alone because of how sickened they are of us.

So, as much as I seek and pray for help from this hellhole called my mind, I can’t let anyone in to see the damage.

“Hey.”

To see the chaos.

“Hey.”

To see me…

“Hey!”

‘Yes?’

“Why are you in here?”

‘Wha-what do you mean? This is my mind. How are you here?’

“You called for me. You let me in.”

‘No… no I don’t think I did.’

“This is your mind?” They look at the frozen wasteland.

‘…Yes.’

“It’s so… cold.”

‘I don’t mean for it to be.’

“But it’s your mind. Can’t you change it?”

‘I can’t. It’s not my fault.’

“So, make a fire to heat up everything then. That’ll solve the problem.”

‘That won’t stop the cold forever. It won’t stop snowing. Every time I clear a section, it gets covered again.’

“So, stop the snow.”

‘Don’t be ridiculous. You can’t stop the snow.’

“Have you ever tried?”

‘… Well no. But it can’t be done. If you’re so confident, you try.’

“Hmm, okay.”

The snow keeps falling continuously as it always had.

“Huh. Guess I can’t.”

‘I told you. It’s impossible.’

“How you suppose snow is made?”

‘Why are you asking me all these questions? I can’t stop the snow and I can’t control the weather!’

“So, you don’t know how it’s made then?”

‘No, I don’t know how it’s made, but it’s because of those dark clouds in the sky!’

“So, then you’re focusing on the wrong things. Building a fire won’t stop the cold and always shoveling a path won’t work because it’s always snowing, but you also can’t stop the snow. The snow falling isn’t the problem. It’s those clouds.”

‘What? Now you want me to move the clouds?’

“Sure. Why not give it a go? I tried to stop the snow already so it’s your turn to try.”

‘Fine.’ The clouds don’t move; they just keep leaking snowflakes. ‘See? You can’t change it. That’s not how winter works.’

“So… how does winter work?”

‘I don’t know. You just kind of wait until Spring comes.’

“When will it come?”

‘I don’t’ know! Stop asking me so many things! It just comes after winter is over.’

“But we can’t possibly just sit here until Spring or whoever comes. We’ll freeze.”

‘Well, I haven’t frozen yet and I’m still fine.’

“But what if it takes a long, long, long time? Surely you will freeze then.”

‘I guess. But this is all I’ve known. So, I’ll just wait here.’

“I got a better idea. How about we look for Spring?”

‘Seriously? You can’t find Spring.’

“Have you ever tried?”

‘No! Who even looks for Spring?! That’s ridiculous.’

“So, what do most people do in winter? Surely they don’t just sit in the snow. It’s cold!”

‘They find shelter and get heat, duh.’

“Why haven’t you?”

‘…Well… everything else I’ve tried doesn’t work. So why would building a shelter work for me?’

“Why wouldn’t it? You haven’t tried it.”

‘Fine, I guess. I’ll try…’

“Mm, that doesn’t seem to be keep out the snow all that well. And won’t starting a fire burn it down?”

‘I told you I couldn’t build a shelter!’

“You only tried once! But I guess practicing in the cold and snow isn’t a good plan. Why not find one already made?”

‘Why would there be one here? Especially if I didn’t make it?’

“Did you look?”

‘Oh my God! Fine! We can look!’

“Yay! I love adventure. Oh, look! We seem to be going downhill. I can’t see the clearing anymore though all the trees.”

‘I’ve… never been this far before, maybe we should go back.’

“And freeze to death? No thanks!”

‘Oh, we are near mountains? I never could see them above all the trees surrounding my pond.’

“That was a pond? I couldn’t even tell with all the snow covering it. I bet it was beautiful once.”

‘… Yeah, it was so beautiful.’

“Hey! A cave is ahead. It’s sooo much warmer in here. Let’s light a fire.”

‘Yeah. The fire really helps too. I feel a bit better.’

“You know, just because one part of you has become special to you, or you’ve always been there – doesn’t mean you’re meant to stay there, or that it isn’t harming you… Or so I’ve heard anyway!”

‘You’re strange.’

“I know.”

‘So, what’s next?’

“What do you mean?”

‘You’ve had so many ideas up until now. So, what else?’

“I haven’t had any ideas. I just asked you about things I could clearly see, and you figured it out.”

‘Oh. I did?’

“Yes.”

‘Oh no! What if the snow covers up our tracks? How will we find our way back to the pond?’

“What pond?”

‘The clearing!’

“Oh yeah! I don’t know. But isn’t it cool to explore more than just the clearing?”

‘Yes… but the pond…’

“Hey, how far do you think this cave goes in?”

‘How should I know? I’ve never been here!’

“We should find out then, huh?”

‘Why?’

“Why not?”

‘Well… I don’t know. Maybe we can. But just for a little while!’

“Yes! But it’s so dark.”

‘We made a fire, just make a torch.’

“Wow, you’re so handy! Come on!”

‘I’m not handy. I just know we need light to see, and fire is light.’

“Good point! Wow! There are spikes coming from the ground and ceiling!”

‘Be careful! You could hurt yourself.’

“Okay. Woah! What’s this pretty thing?”

‘Wow, it’s a crystal. Keep it.’

“There’s so much more!”

‘I never thought we’d find this here. Maybe I can take some with us and decorate my pond.’

“Look! Is that light?”

‘We reached the end of the cave!’

“Wow! We did it! We found Spring!”

‘No, we didn’t, silly.’

“So why is there no snow, huh?”

‘I don’t know. It just doesn’t come this far maybe.’

Lush green grass rolled over hills for miles and miles with cute round trees dotting the landscapes. The skies were crystal clear, and the warmth of the sun shined so beautifully over the red and blue flowers in the field.

“If this isn’t Spring, I don’t know what is!”

‘Maybe Summer.’

“There’s something better than Spring? Wow!”

‘There’s fruit on these trees! So yummy!’

“And look! A house.”

‘It’s beautiful here.’

“Mmm, sooo warm!”

‘But… I can’t stay here. I have to get back to my pond.’

“But why? It was so cold, and you couldn’t even light a fire to keep warm! And you always have to be clearing away snow and looking at grey skies. It’s better here. Why would you go back?”

‘I… it’s my home. I’ve always been there. I feel safe there.’

“Why can’t here be your home? You’re warm. There’s food. You can play outside, and you have a house! It’s safer here.”

‘I had fun. But I shouldn’t stay. This can’t be my home. I lied to you. I made it winter there. So, I don’t deserve Summer.’

“You also made the fire to keep us warm. Does that mean you should sleep in it?”

‘You don’t understand! No one will. Summer isn’t meant for me. I should go back to my pond and endure what I’ve caused!’

“Who will it help?”

‘What?’

“I said, ‘who will it help?’.”

‘It doesn’t. I just should do that, right? It’s the right thing to deal with my problems?’

“Yes, you should. But should it also kill you?”

‘…No.’

“You deserve Summer whether you created winter over your pond or not. You’re happy here. And maybe one day Spring will find your pond and it will unfreeze so you can go back. But until then, you have to keep warm. And then you can care for your pond until it has to freeze over again.”

‘Can I really do that?’

“Yes. Because your mind isn’t a pond. It’s a river that can’t be frozen as long as it keeps growing and moving forward.”

I can’t be the old me anymore. They didn’t know what I know. I can’t go back.

But I can still become someone I’m proud of despite my winter. The new me is still me, just stronger!

The End.