Why Florida's Mail Moves So Slowly

I am not a USPS driver nor will I probably ever be. So realize this story is an entirely fictional take on a day in the job. Also the Florida Man story in this piece is also fictional as far as I know. If you happen to know of a story that has a lot of similarities then please share it with me.

Hello there I'm a nameless and faceless USPS mail delivery driver. I say this because you'll probably never see me and even if you do you'll never know my name. If you must have something to call me though then call me #646. That's the number on the back of my little mail truck. I work in South Florida and I'm about to walk you through an average day in my life. If you think that any of this sounds made up I wouldn't blame you. I know I wouldn't believe it if I wasn't living in it every day.

My day starts at two in the morning. Wake up, roll off my bed, and pray the impact wakes me up. If it doesn't my cat will come and scratch me by two fifteen because she's hungry. At that point I'll crawl my way to my bathroom so that I can lay in the tub for thirty minutes and listen to my cat meow on the other side of the door. Before you accuse me of being a bad pet parent, understand that she has food she could be eating. However I'm not there to watch her do it so she utterly refuses. Once done with my morning soak where I have finally properly woken up because the water turned cold, I make my way to the kitchen.

My little automatic coffee pot has already brewed exactly two cups for me. This thing is a true lifesaver and I'm pretty sure it will get a funeral wherever it dies. I throw two bagels in my toaster and pour off my first cup of coffee while my cat finally eats like she has never had food before. Two bagels with cream cheese and butter plus a cup of coffee later, I go to get dressed. By now it is about three fifteen and I'm remembering that I actually do like my job, I just wish it had better hours. I throw my last cup of coffee into a thermos, tell my cat to protect the house, and go get in my little mail vehicle. It's cold outside today, almost down to forty degrees. It is winter but still I moved to South Florida for the warmth in the winter not cold.

On the dashboard is my to-do list of the day. I always write it out at the end of my shift, promptly forget about it, and then see it the next morning where I act surprised it even exists even though I do this every day. I know I won't look at it till I get to work so I ignore it and start driving. Now it is three thirty and since there is minimal traffic it should only take me fifteen minutes to reach the post office. I'll spend ten minutes once I get there to go over my list for the day. Sitting in the parking lot now I finally take a look.

4-6 Get everything ready to go deliver for the day.

7-9 Actually drop off mail. (Watch for falling iguanas.)

9-10 Go feed the small pack of feral dogs at the park so they don't bite anyone today.

10-11 Go feed at least two homeless people so they don't become a Florida Man news story.

11-1 Actually drop off mail again. (Now watch for snakes and crocodiles.)

1-1:30 Make sure I get something to eat to avoid passing out at the wheel again.

1:30-3 Drop off mail or pass out depending on if I ate.

3-3:30 Avoid normal route so I don't get involved in a Florida Man news story.

3:30-5 Speed way too much to avoid school buses and to catch up on normal route.

5-6 Go back to office and pray no one talks to me while I file paperwork for the day.

6-6:15 Go home and hope my home wasn't involved in a Florida Man story.

I look at my watch and notice that it's 3:58 now. I curse silently and hop out of my vehicle rushing inside barely punching my time card in at exactly four. The next two hours are an adventure in gathering all of my mail for the day while avoiding my co-workers as much as possible. Half of these people hate it here and the other half think we are missionaries doing God's work. In other words half of these people are ready to snap at a moment's notice and the other half already have. I'm back at my truck by six and spend the next hour slowly loading the mail into the back while I sip from my now cold thermos of coffee. 6:55 rolls around and I'm on the road already off to a good start.

The next two hours pass uneventfully. I only encountered one fallen iguana which I now know not to try and rescue. Spent two weeks in the hospital fighting for my life from the infection the last one gave me when he woke up and bit me. This time I place a call into the wildlife people and tell them where they can find it. I also only encountered one actual person on my route who proceeded to scream at me because his mail hadn't come fast enough. Don't know why these people expect such miracles from us. There are only like thirty drivers for over a million pieces of mail daily. I would say budget cuts are at fault but well it's always been like this.

Nine o'clock hits and now it's time to go to the closest fast food place which happens to be a McClown's. Twenty minutes and a fast food worker giving me shit for my job later, I now am the proud owner of two sausage and egg trays. I'm pretty sure that there aren't any real sausage or eggs in them but it looks like it and it's at least warm. I drive for thirty minutes before I find two irate homeless people. A man and a woman. I like to imagine they're a couple though who knows. To hopefully settle their anger for the day at least some I stop and give them the food. Neither one of them thanks me as they take it, instead they tell me to actually do my job. I shrug it off and get back to deliveries.

Eleven to one is always a rough time. That's when the bigger reptiles come out. The temperature has climbed up to fifty eight so I keep a close eye out. I have to stop twice to let crocodiles cross the road while silently praying they don't attack the tires today. Before you laugh yes it has happened and no it is not actually an excuse for the day. I almost got fired for it the last time it happened because the bastard took out all four of my tires. Thankfully I didn't encounter any pythons today so I didn't have to pull out the pepper spray. The last one snuck up on me and I almost got killed. Also not an excuse to leave for the day.

Now it's time to go get something to eat. I'm actually running on time so I stop at Burger Wing. Burgers and wings for the person who just can't decide. I go with a burger for today since the last time I got wings from them I was sick for three days. The burger doesn't look particularly appetizing but by this point in the day I am starving. I scarf it down like it's the first thing I've ever eaten and almost immediately have to fight not to toss it back up. I think there might have been a wing bone in the meat but I'm sure I'll live. I decided to try and sleep off the god awful feeling but of course I didn't wake up till almost 3:30. Looking at my watch I curse Burger Wing and tear off trying to get myself back on schedule.

This of course only leads to more problems when I forget about the normal nonsense that happens on my route and end up in the middle of a Florida Man event. Today's news story will feature a fully nude woman with baby crocodiles hanging off her nipples like piercings. She decided to get into a fight with her father in-law because he won't pay child support for the baby they had together. For the finale she will try to grab a taser that she had hidden in her hair of all places only to zap herself. By the time police arrived she had woken up and was now trying to convince the father in-law to and I quote, "Put another baby in me right god damned now!".

By the time that had all gotten cleared out I knew I wouldn't even be done with my deliveries till six. Thankfully no other problems arose and indeed I was pulling back up to the office by 6:15. I was hoping to sneak in, get my paperwork done for the day, and get home to my poor irate cat. However, given how my day has gone that didn't happen at all. When I walked in my manager was waiting for me, "So care to tell me what happened today #646? Let me guess, another phyton tried to eat you?" He smirked at me.

I sighed, "No sir today I got held up waiting for the police to wrap up some nonsense of a naked lady fighting her father in-law. Completely shut down the intersection for a while and I got stuck there."

My manager sighed, shaking his head, "We've talked about this. Florida Man moments are not an excuse for working overtime. You keep this shit up and I'll be forced to fire you. Now get your paperwork done and get the hell out of here."

I bit my lip and nodded, keeping my mouth shut. I finished off my paperwork in record time and rushed home so I could shove a frozen dinner down my throat and watch my cat eat. As I climbed into the bed for the night I stared at the ceiling and realized I had forgotten to make my list for tomorrow. Hopefully I'll be able to make it before I head out in the morning. I feel my cat curl up against my feet and at least for the time while I fall off the world is alright.

As a person who lives in Florida the mail system here is awful. I've often wondered why that was. Normally I'd let my annoyance with the atrocious service here guide my writing but for this one I had to wonder about some poor individual who is trying their hardest. The next time your mail is running slow, take a moment to put yourself into the shoes of someone working for a severely underfunded company. I hope you enjoyed this story. If you did then please heart and subscribe. Also if you really enjoyed this story or just my writing in general then feel free to send me a tip or continually support me by pledging for three dollars a month. Till next time.