Why Aren't I Angrier?

“Why don't you appreciate that I moved out here for you?”

“Because you fucking didn’t. You moved out here for a job and I happened to be here too.”

“I told you that you were a perk.”

“That’s exactly my point. Your grandmother told you, in front of me, that you needed to stop worrying about making time for us, that you were here for the job and not me - she specifically said that - and you didn’t correct her. You didn’t fuckin deny it. And you buckled down more at your job instead of us.”

“You know why I couldn’t correct her.”

“You’re right, but I can still be sad about it.”

“I didn’t say you couldn’t be.”

“Yea, but you make a face as if knowing the reason makes up for being sad about it.”

“You’re trying to make me feel guilty.”

“Well I don't know how to get rid of your guilt for you. Because the truth is that you’re lying to her and I’m the one left stupidly helping you to hide ME. Because I love you and it’s not your fault your family is like this.”

“Hey, I’m hiding me too!”

“You’re right, but I’m helping you hide me when I don't have to hide anywhere else.”

“That’s because you’re privileged.”

“Yea, and I’m letting you treat me like dirt to make amends for my own luck and privilege in having an accepting family. But… But it’s not my fault your family is this way either. I… I think if you told them, they would not be surprised. I think life would stay mostly the same, except they would know who I truly am to you, and more importantly, who you are.”

“You don’t know them like I do.”

“Okay.”

“You don’t.”

“Okay.”

“Please stop asking me to tell them.”

“Okay.”

/\/\/\

\/\/\/

“Do you think you’re doing right by me? That you’re being fair to me?”

“...”

“Oh, NOW you’re fuckin quiet.”

“Why are you so angry?”

“EXCUSE you? No, the real question is why aren’t I angrier? Because I am at the bottom of your list. My own partner, my supposed life partner, the alleged love of my life, and I am at the BOTTOM of your list. It’s you, then your family, then me."

“I-”

“No, you know what? I’m just getting angrier with myself. Why the fuck should I be here?

“Because we made vows.”

“So that’s the only reason I should stay? Couldn’t you at least have said because you love me? If vows are the only argument you have, then they’re not enough. There has to be motivation behind the vows and I’m fucking losing them because I don’t feel like you’ve ever had them. You have no motivation to put me further up your list because I’m not making you do so.”

“Of course I love you, that’s why I said the vows.”

“Okay.”

“What are you trying to say?”

“... do you think it’s fair of you to ask me to stay?”

“... so you want to leave?”

“... answer my question first”

“I guess … no, it’s not fair, but -"

“Oh? But?”

“BUT we are in this together. We made vows.”

“Then we must not have made the right ones. Why is it so hard for you to respect me? Is it because it wasn’t explicit in our vows? No ‘I promise to respect you’ so that means I don't get any?”

“Jesus CHRIST could you let me talk for once?”

“For once, no. You talk over me enough. It’s my fucking turn.”

“See, this is why I wanted to annul!”

“Good, you’ll be happy when I’m gone then.”

“When?”

“When.”

/\/\/\

\/\/\/

“Can you come back?”

“God no."