Why Am I Angry?

Connor woke up next to his boyfriend, Will, "didn't win the lottery again".

Will sighed, "neither did I".

"We can't retire and stay here then".

With a huge groan, Will rolled out of bed, "tea?"

"Please". Connor remained in bed. It was the final day of a brilliant week in Spain, here to celebrate their friend's birthday. They had done nothing but eat great food, bathe in the sun, and splash around like idiots in the pool. A perfect week.

With foresight, Connor could've seen the phone call coming. His Dad's name flashhed up just like last time. He was crying just like last time. Then he said it, "Grandad passed away this morning".

...

Connor sat in his quiet bedroom, trying to come to terms with the sad news. It was like he wasn't expecting it. His Grandad had been ill for a while, and in his 80s, it was bound to come about eventually. But it didn't stop it from hurting.

"Are you ok?" Will sat next to him, pulling him into a comforting hug. Thats when the tears started to fall.

They sat like that for a while, both silently crying. Until Connor untangled himself, "think I want to be alone for a moment".

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I'll be down in a little bit. Don't let this spoil the holiday for those two". Connor gave a small smile as Will left, his face dropping back into sadness the moment the door closed.

He lay down, holding his pillow, a few tears continuing to fall. It hurts as much as last time he thought. It had been 7 years ago since his Nan had died. Much like now, he wasn't near his family when the news broke. Only this time it wasn't a half hour drive, but a 2 hour flight that wasn't even a possibility.

His chest tightened. He pulled his arms around himself, thinking about the comfort his mum's hug could've given him right now. But instead he was in Spain, with only his swirling thoughts for comfort.

"I'll be back in a week" thats what he'd told his Grandad, "I'll show you all the pictures". That's why he'd pestered everyone for group shots, stopped to capture the setting sun on the horizon, and countless pictures of the beach in the sunshine. Anything that would help bring a smile to his Grandad's face. Now the camera roll was useless, left for him to scroll through, tears stinging his eyes.

.

Time collapsed into the void of grief that sucked at everything in Connor's life in that moment. Two hours falling away before he finally sat up again. He trudged downstairs, blinking against the mid-afternoon sun as he smiled weakly at his friends.

Will pulled himself out of the pool, "you ok?"

Connor simply nodded, hiding his red eyes behind dark sunglasses.

"I poured you a wine" his friend Kay, handing him a wine glass, an icecube cooling the Pinot Grigio.

"Thanks" Connor took a large sip, chuckling, "that helps".

"What do you want to do?" Will asked.

His friends looked at Connor expectantly, tinged with pity that boiled the pit of his stomach, he'd hated that the last time, now, more so. "I know" before any more questions could be asked, he launched himself into the pool.

In the brief moment he'd submerged under water he let out an almighty scream. All the air in his lungs was expelled until his feet touched the bottom. He pushed up, propelling towards the surface. As he exited he gasped for air, "christ!"

There were slightly started faces looking back at him, until one by one, they slapped on bright smiles. "Better?" his friend Jack asked.

"I want to do it again"

Jack clapped him on the back, "I'll join ya".

Like two children, they jumped in and out of the pool, hollering with laughter at the ridiculousness of each jump. Pikes, bombs, splits, anything they could think of to make the biggest splash. All the while, their partners scored them between puffs on cigarettes.

After a fairly impressive bomb, Connor hauled himself out of the pool, gulped down the rest of his wine, and lit a cigarette. "I want to go to the beach" looking at Will.

"Sure, finish that and we'll head off".

Connor looked at Kay & Jack, "you two can have the place to yourself for a bit, don't let the bad news bring you down".

Their smiles lessened a touch, offering him reassurances that fell on deaf ears.

.

By the time Connor and Will jumped in the car, speeding towards the beach, Connor could feel the buzz from his second glass of wine. Which he'd gulped down quickly before leaving.

"Are you ok?"

Connor snapped, "no". He looked out the window as they passed through the Spanish town, sighed, "not really".

.

As the two strolled on the beach, Connor couldn't help but think of how little he was crying. "How long did it take for me to stop crying over Nan?"

Will was taken aback, "what do you mean?"

"I cried for about an hour this morning" Connor looked out across the sea, "I vaguely remember I couldn't stop with Nan". He felt Will staring at him from behind. "Its just a lot isn't it".

Will didn't answer, knowing well enough that this moment of silence helped Connor to arrange the thoughts that currently tornadoed round his brain.

"Can you get me a drink?"

"Maybe ease up on the alcohol"

Connor's eye twitched, his pulse quickly rising, "yeah". He shouldn't be made, "a coke then". He sat down with a huff, listening for the receding splashes of Will walking away.

I'm angry?

He watched the sea eb and flow. Normally he was so calm around water. His shoulders hunched sharply as he heard children giggling nearby, a piercing sound that rattled his brain. He shot them a glare.

Why am I so angry?

He clenched his fists, pulled his knees towards him as he stared out to the horizon. Another tear slipped out, falling slowly as if he were acting out a cheesy movie scene. He slapped his face as he brushed it away.

He was 80, as Jack said earlier, "good innings".

Yet that didn't bring him the comfort he wanted. It felt much more real than when his Nan passed. That was a memory shrouded in misremembered moments, the evening coming together through accounts from other people.

"It wasn't dark, the sun was still setting" Will had once explained to him.

I can't think properly.

Every detail of today seemed to sink into every part of Connor, filling him with painful images of his Grandad in hospital. All the things he hadn't said. Too many thoughts and emotions raged inside him.

I can't breathe.

His heart was beating to fast, his breathing not enough to calm him. His eyes screwed shut, fists clenched tight, was he shaking? He felt like he was. The sea washed up his legs, warm water soaking the hem of his top. He didn't care. What did it matter now?

I want to scream.

No, he couldn't, there were so many people on the beach, he'd look insane. But words were bubbling up, begging to come out. It was like the world was closing in on him, pressing him tighter against himself.

This isn't fair. It isn't fair. I want my family. I want Grandad back. I should be there right now.

"Connor?"

Connor stood quickly and warpped his arms tight around Will, sobbing against his chest. "Its not fair".

"I know its not".

"I want him back".

"I know".

"I want them both back".