Who is it

This must be a test. To be alive and somehow be guided into events and challenges that are mentally computed into a multiple choice layout of potential life altering answers, just reminds me of college prep exams. So unsure of what you're doing yet still have to do it. Life, that's what it seems to be to me. It all makes sense when you know the things that are around you aren't what they seem to be. Then, something reminded me. “This is a test, this is only a test!” “Beeeeep”…like the longest broadcasting testing screen ever. Oh, the waiting until getting back to regularly scheduled programming is like an eternity. In this moment, sitting right in my place, I start to contemplate between heaven and earth, hell and everything in between. “Where it could all lead? So I rise from my chair another day like taking my S.A.Ts. But, today I go out into the world and I don’t feel the same as I did the other day. Today I leave my house feeling like someone may be watching me, but somehow the paranoia most would feel is not there. Feeling this way, continuing every day accomplishing things I never thought I could, are an easy task but somebody’s watching me. The days have always seemed so ordinary until today, yet everything is still the same. Things haven’t changed, no not one bit. Except one thing, before being never really sure where each day would lead or what each night could bring, finding the strength to change things seemed so impossible that they were. Until today because, oh yes things have changed. New and strange things happening to me all around yet can’t focus because somebody is watching me. All the pain each day used to bring have somehow gone, now that somebodies watching me. Things that used to seem important, aren’t anymore and things that seem to be of little interest are now starting to take the cake. This is a good thing considering the fact that what was actually of most importance to me was blinded self destruction. Since I’ve had this feeling of someone watching me, the relationships that were previously noted in my mind as “always there” have become of most importance to me. Now I'm not sure of the reason behind this but maybe because if someone were watching, I want to set a good example of who I am. Being able to step outside of myself now that my focus has shifted to this lingering feeling of being watched has brought me to the realization that being surrounded by plaster cement blocks of negativity has made it particularly easier for me to be watched. This feeling has created this curiosity for discovery of things and ideas I do not know but I do know that these things can be found deep within myself. Change has been invited into my life since I ain't got much money anyway.

Still continuing to feel a sense of paranoia, I awake every morning and graciously pray focusing on inner peace and every night laying my head to dream. One night though, awaking from a dream, I begin to stare out of my window at two radiating yellow eyes glaring back at me. As our eyes meet I just can’t believe what I see. This rustic owl won’t even blink just slowly gazing in. My breath captured by its mystery and stillness, I can't help but think it must know something about me or about who's been following me. My immediate thought after that is how that makes so sense, an owl knowing such an intricate detail about what has been hampering in my mind yet this creature just stares so bravely at me as if it could see right behind me and something was coming. Being overwhelmed by this phenomenon, I decide to fall back to sleep. As I drift slowly back to sleep, I accept that I will most likely dream of nothing but that owl. The dream was short and ended with me almost realizing something that I don't quite understand and with me wanting another moment in. The owl seemed so intent on seeing my life. What was he thinking is all I could think in my dream and while awake. That is all it ever is me and the owl staring back and forth , give and take just as the sun and planets rotate and swing around each other like two school kids ringing around the rosey. As I awake from this dream, the gaze is broken. To stay, sit and focus on the stare of the owl would deter my focus away from the real enigma, the feeling that I know someone is watching me. Sometimes driving down the street, it’s easy to drift away and think of the owl staring at me but it doesn’t distract me at all, the feeling can or may be described as freedom. Not even the common stress of driving seems to take away the feeling. At first it seemed easy to diagnose myself as paranoid or delusional but this is much more profound than what I know of mental illness. To have such clarity in the matter seems sort of paradoxical. If someone were after me to do harm, the feeling would weigh more heavily. Instead, this feeling seems almost heavenly. Yet and still , it's daunting for me to feel as though someone is indeed watching me. At night, to try to keep still and hold my mind from thoughts of free will, seems to be so simple at first until my head hits the pillow. Suddenly, my mind goes right back to the same question, “Who is watching me?” So again, lying awake, this time sad and bawling tears, I couldn’t catch them from falling, they do that sometimes; I begin to stare out of the window. This time I stare out hoping to witness something different or magical like me in another place where I could call myself another name like Dorothy. Nope, just this same rustic owl looking dead at me again. This time it didn't capture me, I decided to let this creature be a part of my night like a bedtime regime. I look away at first but not it, it continued to stare so kindly and soothingly. So with this feeling, I choose to ignore his glare turning my head towards the dark of my room. An exhausted mind would do well to sleep because when I awake the next morning, the plan is to do something that I haven't, maybe that’ll give a clue. Maybe if I add variety into my life, it could take my mind off the idea that somebody is watching me.