Who Are You

Dustin’s head bounced against the car window as it sped along the freeway past beautiful landscapes, busy cities, and cute farm towns, none of which he seemed to notice. His Aunt Jennifer had stopped talking or trying to get a response out of him hours ago. She couldn’t tell if he was asleep or withdrawn into his own world, either way she knew he was in tremendous pain. Her own heart ached horribly as well, this was not supposed to happen, this was something she never dreamed would happen. But, she imagined everyone who had gone through a similar experience felt the same as her.

When she received the devastating call from her mother, just three weeks ago, to say it was a massive shock would be an understatement. Chaos and grief had been her days since then. How and why had been the questions asked over and over in her mind, out loud, and in her prayers. Asking those questions did her no good, because there was no answer. They were all gone and no amount of arguing with anyone, including God, would bring them back.

She pulled out of her own mournful trance and looked over at Dustin her heart breaking even more for him.

“About 30 minutes more,” she said gently touching his shoulder.

Dustin nodded, not really caring in the least. He didn’t really care about anything anymore. He picked his head up enough to look out the window just as they went past a large billboard. The eyes of a massive barn owl glared down on him, and large letters next to it questioned, “WHO ARE YOU?”

Tears instantly welled up in his eyes, and he looked down again without reading the smaller print that he guessed was some scripture verse.

“Who am I,” he asked himself. “I’m not a son or a brother anymore. Who am I, I’m a murderer, that’s who I am,” he screamed in his head. His whole body shuddered, which Aunt Jennifer saw and assumed was a reaction to her announcement.

“Hey, I know it’s hard, nothing about this has been easy. I am here for you though ok,” she said rubbing his shoulder.

He pulled back from her, the touch bringing more anxiety than comfort. His mind was yelling at him again, “She wouldn’t be here for you if she knew, no one would love you or care about you anymore if they all knew the truth. It’s all your fault! It’s your fault they are all dead! You murdered them!”

Aunt Jennifer fought back the tears that were filling her eyes, making it hard to see. “Not now,” she chided herself, “don’t lose it again here, not while driving!” Seeing Dustin struggling had set her own emotions off though, and it was difficult to stop them from leaking out her tear ducts. She had no idea what kind of pain and misery Dustin must be experiencing, since no one had gotten more than a few words out of him. Everyone feared for his mental and emotional state, but no one had been able to break down the walls he had put up. This was why it had been determined he should go live with her for now, because one of the best child trauma specialist had a practice not far from her home.

Jennifer felt herself the least likely one for Dustin to come live with, but she understood why it had to be her. She was paranoid about taking on this huge responsibility, not just because of the obvious challenges of helping him through this difficult time, but she had never had a child or even a husband for that matter. How was she supposed to care for him and help him through this dark time when she wasn’t even sure she could have managed it without the extra worries?

They sat in silence again, aside from the occasional deep intake of breath as they both fought off emotions they did not want to deal with.

Thirty minutes later they pulled into Jennifer’s driveway.

“Well,” she started, “it’s not much, but I hope it will be ok for you.”

Dustin followed her in and curled up on the couch not caring that he was here or that she was trying to show him around.

“Ok, um, I think I’ll start getting your things from the car. Feel free to get anything to eat. There’s not much, I need to go shopping. So, um, if you have any requests let me know.”

He didn’t answer or move, so she went outside to get some boxes but instead broke down in the car. She didn’t know how long it had been that she sat crying and pleading to know what to do, but she was eventually able to get herself under control. She grabbed a box and went back inside feeling grateful she had a guest bedroom.

“Your room is the first door on the right. I’ll just put your things in there, and you can place them where you want later.”

She spent the next hour emptying the car of all the boxes and bags. On one of her trips in she was happy to see Dustin had finally moved.

Dustin lay on the coach and would have stayed there forever, he told himself, had the urge to use the bathroom not finally pushed him to get up. He had not listened to a word Aunt Jennifer said about where anything was, so he went down the hall looking in rooms to find the bathroom.

The first door though must have been the room she intended for him since boxes were getting stacked in one corner and his suitcase was on the bed.

“This will be my new room,” he thought. It wasn’t anything like his room at home, aside from having four walls, windows, a bed, desk, and closet.

His room at home had pictures of Jeeps and side-by-sides going on dirt trails and over difficult obstacles covering every wall and even some on the ceiling. He pushed the images out of his mind refusing to let that be a part of his life now. He wouldn’t do anything to make this room his own, he vowed, as he hurried to the next door, thankful it was the bathroom. He finished up and went right back to the couch sitting there reading the names of books on her shelf to keep his mind from thinking of other things.

Aunt Jennifer plopped on the couch next to Dustin, who was at least sitting up now, and proclaimed it was an “order something in night” while handing him a bottle of flavored water.

“So, anything sound good to you,” she queried and then continued after a short pause with no response, “Mexican, Italian, Chinese, or maybe some Indian,” hoping to get him to offer some opinion. Dustin just shrugged his shoulders not even looking at her.

“Pizza, lets just do some regular old peperoni pizza,” Jennifer finally said not wanting to push him in anyway. She made the phone call and after a few minutes sitting in silence she couldn’t take the awkwardness, so reached for the remote.

She thought about asking him what he wanted to watch, but figured it would end in the same result as her attempt to get dinner ideas from him. She turned it on and stared flipped through channels, but then had no idea if a show would upset him in someway. She knew too well, dealing with the grief herself, that shows could bring back memories. She finally settled on some game show, figuring at least it wouldn’t show some scene that would be too painful to watch.

They sat zoned out, and both jumped when the doorbell rang.

“Oh good the pizza is here,” Jennifer said, getting up.

When she came back in she set the pizza on the coffee table and went for some paper plates and napkins.

She opened the box and put a slice on a plate then handed it to Dustin. He took it after a moment and, she breathed a sigh of relief.

Neither one ate much of the dinner, but she was glad he had at least eaten something.

Exhausted from the drive, lack of sleep the past days, and all the emotions running through her, Jennifer ended up falling asleep sitting on the couch not long after setting her half eaten pizza down.

She woke as the first rays of light slipped through the window, her whole body aching. “Ugh, I am too old to sleep like that,” she told herself, and looked over to check on Dustin, who was still asleep. She got up and put a blanket gently over him, hoping it would not wake him, before heading for a shower.

That day went by excruciatingly slow as she made one attempt after another to pull Dustin out of the hole of despair he was in. She could see why her parents were so worried and had sought out a professional to help. By the end of the day she had unpacked all of Dustin’s things, she had made sure he got food and water, she had cried softly to herself, and screamed with all her might inside her mind. She was thankful they had their first appointment with the specialist the next day, and though she told herself not to expect any improvements her heart hoped there would be a miraculous change that day.

Dustin followed Aunt Jennifer inside the building, not sure if he wanted to be here or not. He came because he told himself at first it didn’t matter, that nothing really mattered at all so he’d go along with whatever they told him. On the drive, though, he started to think this was all a bad idea, that no specialist was going to help him, he was a murderer after all. He went into the man’s office, who introduced himself as Dr. Padeti, but he refused to respond to any of the doctors questions or remarks.

After awhile, the Dr. called Aunt Jennifer in explaining, “I want to start Dustin out in a therapy group. This is one made up of other children about the same age that have been through similar experiences. Maybe having him around others who understand what he has been through will allow him to open up. As painful as it is, talking about what has happened to you and what you are going through is really very helpful in the healing process.”

“Ha,” Dustin mused to himself, “like anyone else there murdered their entire family! No one else is going to understand me or help me!”

“That sounds good,” he heard his aunt say, hope in her voice.

Dr. Padeti went on, “They meet twice a week on Tuesdays and Thursdays, so tonight could be Dustin’s first meeting if you want.”

“Perfect,” Aunt Jennifer announced with even more hope.

They only had a few hours until the meeting was supposed to start and Jennifer was feeling some light coming in at last with this new development. “Who better to help him than peers who have experienced what he has,” her mind jubilantly proclaimed. Not wanting to go home, she had a brilliant idea pop in her mind, to go show him around the city. So, for the next couple of hours she drove around pointing out neat landmarks, historical places, the locations she knew to be high school hang outs, and some of her favorite spots around the city.

Dustin was somewhat surprised to find himself actually enjoying parts of the tour. Perhaps it was Aunt Jennifer’s bubbling attitude as she carried on, not one bit deterred by his lack of comment, or maybe it was the fact that nothing here had a memory with his family. Aunt Jennifer had always come to visit them; they had never gone to her home. Before he knew it Aunt Jennifer was dropping him off for the group session and promising to pick up “the best burrito he would ever taste,” and have it waiting for him.

Dustin sat down in the room and watched the others as they came in. There were only three others, two boys older than him, and a girl that looked to be about his age. Despite his total lack of caring about anything lately, Dustin couldn’t help but notice how gorgeous she was, dark curls were pulled up into a loose bun at the top of her perfectly shaped head. She looked his way and his eyes locked with her large dazzling brown ones that seemed to soak him up. He was pulled out of the shared gaze when he got an elbow in his side.

“Hey new kid, what’s your story,” one of the older boys said in a somewhat mocking tone.

“Shut up Mark,” the fine-looking girl said, making her even more attractive, “You know we only share if we want to.”

“Ah, Tazia, you ruined all the fun,” Mark sighed.

“All right guys,” Dr. Padeti announced, “let’s get going, and obviously you have noticed we have someone new here tonight. Dustin, would you like to introduce yourself?”

Dustin just looked at him not sure he was willing to that.

Dr. Padeti continued after a moment, “No worries, feel free to just listen, but whenever you are ready to share anything go right ahead. Would the rest of you introduce yourselves to Dustin, sharing whatever you want about yourself.”

“Well, I’m Mark as Tazia gave away,” the boy next to him stated. “I have issues because my brother and I went canoeing and only I came back.”

After it was clear Mark was done sharing the other boy spoke up.

“Hey, my name is Wes.”

“And, I am Tazia,” the beauty across from him began, “my whole family died in a house fire.”

“Thanks everyone,” Dr. Padeti said. “First, I want to congratulate you Tazia, you did not say you murdered your family. I hope that you are actually believing now that you are not a murderer.”

Dustin’s head snapped up shocked at what he had just heard.

Dr. Padeti noted this reaction and smiled, glad he now he had something to work with.

Tazia spoke up and Dustin listened more intently now.

“Uh, it depends on the day, but I am getting there. I know somewhere in my head that it doesn’t make me a murderer even though it was my fault they all died. I’m the one that left the candle burning when I took off to go spend the night at my friend’s house. I know it would only be murder if I intentionally started the fire, but still some days I still see myself as nothing but a murder.”

Dustin didn’t hear much else that was said that night; he was lost in his own thoughts about his family and murder.

“Why had he begged and plead with his parents none stop to go? Why did he have to convince his family to take their new Jeep on an adventure? And, why oh why did he not die with them!?”

He knew the answers to the first questions; he knew why he had hounded his parents for weeks to take the Jeep off-roading like in all the pictures on his wall. He wanted an adventure, but more than that, he thought it would make him look like the cool kid when he shared stories of the amazing adventures he had jeeping. He was going to share videos and pictures online and when summer break was over he was sure everyone at school would be talking about him. All the visions of fame and popularity he had built up in his mind back then seemed so foolish and childish now, such a stupid reason to die for. And that thought brought back the question he had no answer for, why he had not died too. How many times had he wished he could have been killed with the rest of them, could have been flung out the window like his mother, smashed on a boulder like his baby brother, bleed to death before help arrived like his older sister, or died in surgery like his father. Why had he walked away, literally walked away from the horrific scene at the bottom of that cliff with just bumps and bruises.

He wasn’t sure he would ever have an answer to that last question, but with Tazia’s confession he finally could see a glimmer of light in his otherwise darkened world. Someone else felt like him, someone else had lost everyone they loved because of something they did.

He reached out for the huge burrito Aunt Jennifer handed him and for the first time since his family left this world he smiled.

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Life can change in a moment, if you’d like to read my personal story of a moment that drastically changed my world click the link below.

If you’d rather another fictional story about life changing in an instant click on this one.