Where's Johnny?

"Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain Errol Barron and I would like to personally welcome you aboard the beautiful La Laverna! The next three hours will prove to be full of mystery, murder, and mayhem. If you are able to keep your wits about you and solve the murder, you will be in the running for the grand prize!

"Collect your drinks now as sailaway will take place promptly at 1800 hours! If you need anything, please reach out to one of La Laverna's staff, beautifully outfitted with a crisp, white shirt, and maroon vest. If you need to exit your table for any reason, please do so by making your way as discreetly as possible to the steps located toward the middle of the deck as you head toward the bow of the ship, on either side of the cockpit. If-"

"WAIT!" A harried female burst forth from behind the audience, and ran up to where the Captain stood on a makeshift stage, just twelve inches high and taking up most of the width of the stern.

"What is it, Nelly? I'm welcoming our guests," the Captain chided as he swept his arm around, indicating the men and women sitting around the ship's top deck which doubled as a dining hall. He shot the audience an apologetic look, then turned back to the woman in a chef's coat and toque.

Nelly looked around nervously. In a staged whisper she said, "But Captain! First Mate Johnny is nowhere to be found! He was supposed to bring me flour for the dinner rolls!"

"He's probably just sleeping off last night's booty. Go to the Captain's Quarters and I'll be with you in a moment. Now scram!"

With a huff, Nelly exited in the same direction. The Captain turned back to his audience. "You'll have to excuse our Chef, Nervous Nelly. She frets over everything. Now, as I was saying, if-"

"CAPTAIN!"

A barefooted man dressed in ripped clothing, a trifold hat, and a black eyepatch ran up to the Captain.

"Mateo, I'm trying to welcome our guests!" The Captain once again swept his arm to indicate the diners.

Mateo looked around, spotted a pretty lady at a front table, straightened up, and winked at her. There was a smattering of nervous laughter around the deck.

"Mateo! Focus!"

"Right, right. Captain! I can't find Johnny! He was supposed to help me swab the deck!"

"Like I told Nelly, he's probably sleeping off last night's raid. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to finish welcoming our guests and I'll meet you in the Captain's Quarters."

The Captain dismissed Mateo who, as he exited, stopped at the table with the pretty lady, put up the universal "call me" sign, and ran off. The crowd, now realizing this was part of the show, laughed again, more relaxed.

"AS I WAS SAYING," the Captain, who began to show exaggerated annoyance, continued, "if you need-"

"CAPTAIN!"

This time, a woman dressed as a 30s flapper, in a form fitting, sequined sheath dress, walked up to the Captain. Her voice was husky, like that of a lounge singer.

"Captain, a moment of your time?" In one gloved hand she held an opera length cigarette holder, her other hand, this one adorned in costume rings and bracelets, coming to rest on her hip.

"Greta, I'm trying to welcome our guests! I know Johnny is missing! I'm meeting Nelly and Mateo in my quarters in just a moment to discuss all of this! How can I help you?!"

"Who's Johnny?" Greta asked with a shrug, looking at the diners as if she couldn't care less. "I wanted to tell you that my rum has gone missing!"

The audience roared with laughter as the Captain turned back toward them. With a dramatic huff he exclaimed, "Just see someone in a maroon vest if you need anything! Bon voyage and bon appétit!"

The Captain hooked his arm around Greta's waist and hurried her down between tables toward the cockpit. A round of applause rose from the onlookers as the deck lights dimmed indicating the end of the act.

A moment later the lights came back up and two of the ship's staff walked around, passing out a folded piece of paper while a third member stood in front of the guests to give instruction.

"Ladies and gentlemen, please do not unfold the paper being passed out until the Acts change. The actors will indicate when it's time. Once you think you know 'whodunnit', please write your name and answer on the back page. Correct answers will be entered into a drawing and one lucky person will win a grand prize, while two runners-up will also win some goodies.

"In just a moment the next act will begin. Afterward, you will be served salad and bread. You'll have time to eat, then Act Three will begin once plates are being cleared away. The main entree will follow, then Act Four, then dessert. After dessert, you will have a chance to choose your culprit."

With a bow, the announcer exited and the Captain, Nelly, and Mateo took center stage. The Captain broke fourth wall to announce, "Captain's Quarters!" then turned to his companions.

"Now, what's all this about Johnny missing?"

Nelly and Mateo began talking over each other excitedly. Ripples of laughter spread throughout the audience. The Captain held up his hand to silence the man and woman, then he addressed Nelly.

"You."

"Captain, I checked Johnny's sleeping quarters and scullery and he's not there! He was supposed to bring flour up from the hull so I could make dinner tonight. I hear we are having special guests! I was going to do my special rolls and now I can't!" Nelly rubbed her hands together and looked around, fretfully.

"You checked his bed?"

"Yes, Captain. He's not there!"

"And the scullery?"

"Yes, Captain!"

"Mateo?"

"I also checked his bed, and the Crow's Nest, and the lifeboat." Mateo looked at the pretty lady at the front table and winked again. Laughter spread throughout the audience.

"Mateo!"

"Sorry, Captain. I was trying to find Johnny because he said he would help me swab the deck." Mateo mimicked mopping, pointedly looking at the pretty lady up front and nodding toward his muscular arm. "I have a date tonight, so I wanted to get it done quickly."

"I see. So you've checked his bed, the Scullery, and the Crow's Nest and-"

There was a knock.

"Blubberin' Sea Monsters, what now?!" The Captain turned as a man bound in thick mooring rope and clothing similar to Mateo stumbled between tables toward stage left.

Mateo, the Captain, and Nelly all gasped. "Johnny?!"

"Johnny, where have you been?"

"Captain, somebody kidnapped me while I was sleeping and--whoa, who's the babe?" Johnny indicated the pretty woman at the front table. Mateo bunched his fists and jerked like he was going to challenge Johnny to a fight. The audience laughed.

"Johnny!" the Captain barked.

"Right, right. Someone kidnapped me, tied me up, and dumped me in the hull behind the sacks of gun powder!

"Well didja get a good look at them?"

"No, Captain, it was dark! It was definitely a man though."

"Hmm. I'll ask around. In the meantime, don't you have flour to deliver and a deck to swab?"

Nelly and Mateo grinned.

"Yes, Captain."

The deck lights dimmed and the four cast members exited the stage to a round of applause. The lights came up and the first course was served.

*~*

"Ladies and gentlemen, if you are still eating, please continue to do so. Our staff will begin clearing plates as Act 2 begins."

The Captain stood at the stern, hands behind his back, looking up as if studying a map. Nelly approached the stage and a knock sounded.

"Who is it?"

"Captain, it's Nelly!"

"Nelly, shouldn't you be preparing dinner for our guests?"

"Yes, Captain, but that's why I'm here! Johnny is missing again!"

The audience laughed. Once the noise quieted down, the Captain bid Nelly entry. She stepped up onto the stage and approached him.

"What's this now?"

"It's Johnny! He's gone missing again!"

"Well how do you know?"

"He never delivered my flour!"

"Maybe he's decided to swab the deck for Ma-"

Mateo ran up to the stage and another knock sounded.

"Who's there?"

"Captain, it's Mateo! Johnny's gone missing again!"

The Captain gave a dramatic sigh and bid Mateo entry. Mateo ran up on stage and stopped short when he saw Nelly.

"What are you doing here?"

"Johnny's gone missing!"

"I know!"

The Captain whistled and a hush fell over the stage. "Johnny didn't delivery the flour and I assume, since you're here, didn't swab the deck?" Both Nelly and Mateo nodded.

"That's right, Captain."

"Well, have you gone looking for him?"

Nelly and Mateo began talking over each other telling the Captain of all the places they searched for Johnny. The Captain whistled again, silencing them. The audience laughed.

"What in Davey's Locker is going on here?! First Mates don't go missing twice in one day! We need to spread out and find him. Then anchor him to my desk so he doesn't disappear again!"

They all exited the stage, weaving their way through the tables. Mateo stopped at the pretty lady's table to flirt. A man sitting next to her stood up and got in his face. Mateo's face twisted in fear as he scrambled away. The audience roared; the man's face still held a scowl as he plopped back into his chair.

Greta approached stage right and began looking around. "Has anyone seen where the Captain has gone?" she asked in her low, husky voice. A couple members of the audience pointed toward where the Captain had disappeared down the stairs and Greta sighed.

She looked around the Captain's Quarters, imitated picking up something and stuffing it in her bra, then exited quietly. weaving her way through the tables.

The audience sent up a round of applause and Mateo, Nelly, and the Captain reconvened on stage.

"Have either of you found Johnny?"

"No, Captain. I looked everywhere!"

"Well I haven't heard of anyone going overboard so he's got to be here somewhere!" Nelly raised her hand.

"For goodness' sake, Nelly, you don't need to raise your hand! What is it?"

"How am I going to make dinner without the flour?"

"Mateo," the Captain barked. "Deliver flour to Nelly's kitchen! I'll keep looking for Johnny."

"Yes, Captain."

Mateo and Nelly exited the stage as the Captain walked around, looking for Johnny. Mateo suddenly reappeared with a sack full of flour, making sure to flex his muscles at the pretty lady at the front table.

The audience broke out into laugher as the man sitting next to her roared, "I TOLD YOU TO STAY AWAY FROM HER!"

Within seconds, the man had rushed Mateo, sending them both overboard. The pretty lady stood, her hand to her mouth, as several members of the audience chuckled nervously, and others screamed. The Captain and Nelly ran portside and peered over the railing.

A soft splash drifted up from the ocean followed by men yelling.

"Men overboard!" the Captain yelled. He peered down once again into the inky waters below. The ship's horn bellowed, and the real ship's Captain came over the loudspeaker.

"Code OSCAR portside, I repeat we have a Code OSCAR portside. Please deploy the life boats. Ladies and gentlemen I ask that you return to your seats or dedicated areas until otherwise directed by our staff."

A metallic clang filled the air as a lifeboat with three emergency crew members were lowered to the water. A large spotlight swept the area as the boat was lowered."

"They've gone under!" the actor captain yelled. The pretty woman at the front, fainted.