Where Do I Go from Here?

Ok, I’m not crazy, but I certainly feel pretty ridiculous right now. It’s eight-fifty A.M. and I’m sitting here in the lobby of a shrink’s office, Dr. Belinda Wildwood, LMHC, to be exact. Thankfully I’m the only one here because I couldn’t stand for anyone else to be sitting here judging me right now, I’m doing enough of that myself.

Suddenly, withdrawing me from my self-loathing rant, the office door swings open and a woman in her mid to late forties stands in the doorway. With a smile that big and bright, I’m pretty sure she’s had several cups of coffee this morning, to prepare her for all the craziness she’s about to hear.

Once she confirms I’m Nadia, her nine A.M., I stand to follow her into the office.

In case you were wondering, I’m Nadia Joseph, a twenty-eight-year-old baker who owns three bakery coffee shops here in Miami. I am the daughter of Mary, and Ryan Joseph, and only sibling to Jason Joseph, current CEO of Joseph A1 Builders, also known as the family business.

Anyway, I’m here to figure out the best solution to my current predicament. So, here goes everything or nothing. Let’s see how much clarity this two-hundred-dollar hour can bring.

“Welcome Miss Joseph. I’m Belinda.”

“When you scheduled, you said you’d only be needing one session. So, tell me a little bit about what brings you in today”

“Well, I’m kinda new to this whole therapy thing, but I’m in need of a little advice. From someone who won’t disclose my issues and I thought you’d be a pretty reliable sounding board. With the whole doctor patient privilege and all.”

“Ok, that being said, what seems to be the issue?”

“Well, before I begin, let me just say that I’m not here to be judged. I simply want to explain my problem and hear your thoughts on how I should proceed.

“Yes ma’am. Whenever you’re ready.”

Ok, so it all started almost a year ago, when my brother, Jason decided to take me to Vegas for my birthday. Not only did he take me, he brought his girlfriend, Raquel, my best friend, Amy, my good friend Josi and last but most certainly not least he brought Rod, short for Rodrick.

Rod and Jason are actually more like brothers than anything, he’s Jason’s absolute most favorite person on the planet. Like the brother I could never be. They met in middle school and became thick as thieves, literally every time one was in trouble, the other would cover for him. And so, I also became the little sister, since they’re both four years older than me. That was up until I left for college and actually started to see what dating and guys were really about. Which I must say has been nothing like the movies make it out to be.

I’ve always pictured my ideal guy to be tall, brown skin and muscular like not just muscular for show, but someone who’s naturally in shape with little to no work. He’d be someone I can easily talk to and genuinely like me for me.

And now that I’m describing him to you, I really see how ironic I sound, because I just described Rod to a t.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see the good doctor jot something down on her notebook. Pausing, I glance up at her and wait, but she just nods for me to continue.

Every family dinner or get together my family has had since I was like twelve, Rod has been a part of. But it wasn’t until my junior year of college, when I came home for Thanksgiving and Rod brought Savanah with him. That I’d realized I hadn’t just made up some fictitious guy in an attempt to find him. I’d spent the last nine years getting to know him, sharing meals with him, and annoying the pure hell out of him. And here he was sitting at my families dining room table once again sharing a Thanksgiving dinner with me except this year he brought her!

After Winter break, I went back to school and tried everything in my power to get Rod out of my head. I mean since he brought Savanah to Thanksgiving, they had to be pretty serious right, well, it most certainly felt that way.

Once my senior year started, I met a Rod look alike, I can’t even remember his name, I think it was Dillon or Doug, but whatever, turns out he was nothing like Rod. He was a football player so of course he was athletic, but the only thing running through his mind was plays for his next game, he was dumber than an empty cookie jar. Needless to say, that didn’t last long.

I don’t remember how, maybe my mom told me, but somehow, I found out that Rod and Savanah had ended, and he’d vowed to focus on his career instead of dating. Which, with my graduation rapidly approaching gave me an even bigger incentive for rushing to get back home.

You wouldn’t believe it but, the day of my graduation, I’d planned on approaching Rod and letting him know exactly how I felt. Until of course, I saw him with yet another female that I’d never seen before, holding his hand. The hand I’d planned to have wrapped around me, congratulating me by the end of the night.

Nevertheless, after yet another unrevealed broken heart, I just sucked it up and focused on opening my first shop. Thankfully Jason was poised to take over the family business, so I was free to do exactly what I wanted to do, which was bake and open as many shops as I can along the south coast.

Glancing up, I looked at Dr. Wildwood and surprisingly, she was sitting attentively listening to my narrative, so I continued.

Nine months and seventy-nine thousand dollars later, I opened up my first shop, right in the heart of downtown Miami. The day before my grand opening celebration, Rod was helping me in the storage closet and lets just say after watching him lift several bags of flour at fifty pounds each, with ease, I was beyond turned on.

So, as I stood there between him and the door, I decided to take a shot. When he turned to me, I stepped closer to him and said thank you, then closing the gap between us, I reached up and pulled his head down to me. Of course, in my dreams, he’d be meeting me halfway or picking me up, but at this point I’d do almost anything for him to realize how into him I was. After the briefest of moments, he pulled back and smiling down at me, he said, and I quote

“You’re very welcome!”

You’re very welcome, was not quite the response I was hoping for, but at least he wasn’t repulsed. Before either of us could respond, my mom came looking for me and the moment was gone, but I’d hoped he’d gotten the message.

Later that week, Rod came by the shop, and ended up walking me to my car. He asked me about the kiss in the storage closet. In an effort not to embarrass myself, I downplayed the entire thing, saying it had been a long, exciting day and I even apologized.

Long story short, he said that I was like a sister to him, and that Jason would never go for the whole us getting involved thing. He even made it a point that he’d lose it if he found out about the kiss. I just laughed it off and let it go, because if that lousy kiss would make Jason lose it, he’d blow a whole gasket if he knew about half the thoughts I’d had about Rod.

The conversation we shared that day, once again broke my heart. Which was short lived because, Rod turned my shop into his first stop of the morning and his favorite meeting spot for new clients. I was so thrilled at the thought of seeing him every day and even though I flirted, constantly, he remained the sweet, kind, genuine brotherly Rod that he’d always been. I started to feel like he was taking advantage of me, until he stopped letting me give him free coffee and pastries.

Then one day he stopped back by to invite me to lunch, he’d just landed this big project and wanted to celebrate. Thrilled because we’d never shared a meal, just the two of us and following that kiss, he knew I had feelings for him. So, I finally thought that was our chance at something.

I mean I hadn’t seen him with anyone since my graduation and he’d been taking all these extra steps to see me almost every day. How could I not assume he was interested in me? But at lunch, he just told me that he was profoundly proud of me and glad I was living my dream. He mentioned how attractive I was and that if the situation was different, maybe we could’ve attempted exploring a relationship, but that wasn’t the case.

Over the next few months, I moved into my condo off the causeway and prepared to open my second shop. After that I changed my hair, started wearing low cut blouses and with every opportunity, I let him catch me eyeing his muscles and physique. I thought he’d never be able to resist me now.

It only took a few days for him to get the hint and say something. He told me that I didn’t need to do anything, that I’d captured his attention years ago. But once again, he said out of respect for not only Jason, but also my parents, he could not act on those feelings.

At twenty-six, I was beyond sexually frustrated, I felt like I’d spontaneously combust if I was ever touched. So, in an effort to eliminate that feeling, I got involved with this nice guy, Marcus, who delivered the mail to my bakery. Once he scratched my itch and I realized how unfulfilling that was, I quickly started to avoid him and his calls, finally he ended up changing routes, which was a relief.

But that just put me back to square one, still hopelessly consumed by my desire for Rod.

A few weeks after our lunch date, or shared lunch, whatever you call it, we had this huge birthday celebration for my mom. Once Jason, Raquel and most of the other guests had left, I caught Rod and asked him to help me carry some things to my car, in an attempt to get him alone.

As we stood at the trunk of my car, I told him how lucky I felt to always have him around when I needed an extra hand. Then I grabbed his arm and the way his rock-solid bicep felt under my touch, I almost melted, but he just stood there and looked at me in disbelief, like he couldn’t believe what I was saying, or was trying to say. After sharing an all too brief, longing kiss, we said good night and reluctantly, I closed the trunk and walked back inside.

When I realized Rod wasn’t following me, I turned and watched as he got into his car. After sitting there for a few minutes, he looked up and met my gaze. Once he finally pulled off, it took everything in me not to call him and see what he was thinking about.

It was only a few months after that, that we ended up in Vegas. Initially, I didn’t know that Rodrick was coming with us. Then once he arrived at the airport, I knew that this trip was my do or die. They say, what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, but my hope was that whatever happened in Vegas would become the beginning of our happily ever after.

We arrived at the Cosmopolitan and headed up to our rooms, Jason and Raquel were upstairs in a penthouse. Amy and Josi were sharing a studio suite and Rodrick and I were on the same floor in the last two available fountain view suites.

I couldn’t believe it when I settled into my room and realized that there was an adjoining door connecting my room to Rod’s. It was like a sign from God! I didn’t have much time to savor the thought because we had a long night of gambling and drinking ahead of us, but I’d purposed in my mind that I’d be on the other side of that door by the end of the night.

I managed to keep my composure all night. Just enjoying a good time with everyone celebrating my special day. I mean, it was my birthday weekend, so I could do whatever I wanted right?

We spent the evening in the casino drinking and then finally we had dinner at this blue-plate joint that was beyond amazing. And after dancing until almost two A.M. I was full of adrenaline and slightly intoxicated but most of all I was unapologetically, craving to be embraced by that strong, masculine, man in the room next door.

Finally, at the end of my road, unwilling to be denied what was obviously on both our minds, I slipped into just my pink lingerie set and knocked on our adjoining door. It took about three knocks but when he finally opened the door, my whole world came into alignment. He must have been just getting out of the shower because he opened the door wrapped in just a towel.

Glancing up at Dr. Wildwood, I see she’s looking right at me, or through me, I couldn’t really tell, slightly uncomfortable with where the story was headed, I took a deep cleansing breath and just kept going, I mean, I only had an hour.

Captivated by his naked abs, all I could do was stand there, immobile. Watching him examine every inch of me from head to toe. As I stood studying him, I realized the growing bulge in his towel. Every inch of rock- solid, forbidden masculinity that stood before me, was screaming at me.

So, answering the call, I slowly, gently, tugged at the only thing obstructing my view of what I’d long ago laid claim to. When that towel finally hit the floor, my world was forever changed.

I’ll just say that the heart that had silently been broken over and over again, was not so silently mended by those big strong masculine arms that I’d spent so many nights fantasizing about.

The next morning, I woke up in purgatory. Not knowing if the night of ecstasy, I’d just shared with the man of my dreams would be the first of many or a once and done.

Although waking up in his arms had been a dream come true, I did not want to hear the gentle, this was a mistake speech, so I reluctantly snuck back into my suite and after taking a quick shower, I rushed downstairs to meet up with Amy and Josi for breakfast.

That afternoon, after ignoring a text and a phone call from Rodrick, I did everything I could to act normal when we all met up to do a Titanic artifact exhibition. Which I can remember exactly nothing about because all I could think about was the sight of Rod’s towel falling to the floor.

While we were touring this botanical garden place, Rod finally caught me by myself and asked me if I was avoiding him. Of course, I lied and said no, then quickly struck up a conversation with Josi, in an attempt to avoid the fated discussion.

When I looked up, Dr. Belinda, was writing on her note pad again. Distracted and curious about her current thoughts, I silently focused my attention on her notepad. Realizing my need for a mid-session diagnosis, she said

“I’m just jotting down some notes. Do continue”

So, not wanting to waste any time, I continued to reveal my truth to a complete stranger, well, now more like a professionally licensed acquaintance.

Let’s just say that I didn’t sleep in my suite at all the entire time we were in Vegas. During the day we hung out as a group, and I just made sure Rod didn’t catch me alone again. And then at night, when I craved that touch that I’d only had the pleasure of fantasizing about until now, I just knocked on his door in practically nothing and kept him from talking in other, more creative ways.

Once we landed back in Miami, I had no real sense of what the past weekend would mean in terms of Rod and I and I honestly wasn’t ready to think about it.

It was close to midnight by the time I got to my condo. Rod was standing by my front door when I got upstairs. Glancing up from his phone when he heard the elevator ding, he smirked with this sexy you have nowhere to run now look in his eye. And I knew it was finally time to face the music.

He slid his phone into his pocket and came to grab my luggage from me as I walked down the hall, I thought I was going to faint. All I could think was, what is he doing here?

Once we got inside and he put my bags down, he took my hand and led me to the sofa. He licked his lips, smiled then said

“You want to start, or should I?”

Confused not only by his presence but also by what he could have possibly thought I wanted to say to him, I froze. Never in a million years could I have envisioned how awkward this moment would be. But in true Rodrick fashion, he sat back on the sofa, took my hand and with a smile, that now made my heart flutter, he asked

“Where do we go from here?”

Eventually we agreed to take things a day at a time and keep ‘us’ between us for the time being. It was late so I invited him to stay and just like that, we’d brought Vegas to Miami, and I was living the dream.

Rod and I were completely platonic in public and around our friends and family but every chance we got, we’d spend the night together and indulge ourselves in what we’d both come to love, each other.

If anyone knew how to conceal a relationship, if you could even call it that, it was us.

About three months ago, I woke up in those strong, ripped, muscular arms that I admired so much, barely able to open my eyes. I felt so secure in Rod’s arms, it became so hard to pry myself out of them. But I had to open one of the bakeries that morning, so I climbed out of bed and hopped into the shower. When I came back into the room, Rod was sitting on the edge of the bed.

Slightly confused why he was up, he usually just slept in and let himself out when he was headed to work, I just stood in the doorway and glared at him. I asked him what was wrong, and he said that he’d wanted to date, to make things official instead of sneaking around. He went on and on about how much he cared about me and how I deserved more than what we’d been doing. I mean pretty much exactly what every girl would want to hear, but me of course, I mean I’d fallen in love with this secret romance scenario. It was easy, no drama, just us in our undisclosed bubble.

That morning, we fought, and he said he didn’t want to do it like this anymore. I figured he’d come around after a day or two. But two weeks later we went out clubbing for Raquel’s birthday and Rod showed up with Savanah.

I was furious, it took everything in me not to lose my cool, but I kept it together, realizing he was just trying to get a rise out of me.

The following morning, I ended up opening the downtown shop and Marcus stopped in. The mail man, that I thought had switched routes when he realized I’d ghosted him. Come to find out, he’d actually been working inside another branch now. He said he’d been thinking about me lately and stopped by hoping to see me. So of course, I took advantage of the situation and went on a few dates with him, hoping Rod would be somewhere and see us.

Just like I’d hoped, one afternoon not even a week after Raquel’s party, Marcus stopped by the shop to pick me up for lunch and Rodrick came into the shop. I completely ignored him and made sure he saw me leaving with Marcus.

That night when I arrived home to get ready for my date, Rod was standing by my door. He said he didn’t want to play games and that nothing had happened between him and Savanah.

I felt awful when Marcus came to pick me up, but I was already nestled in the arms of the man to whom my heart would always belong.

Peering up at Dr. Wildwood, I notice her once again jotting something down on her note pad. Then when she focused her attention back on me, she just sat there. On the brink of a panic attack, desperately in need of answers, I asked

“So, do you have any answers for me?”

Shaking her head, then smiling she says

“I’m still a little unsure what the conflict is. It seems to me that you now have everything you want. You’ve finally captured the heart of the man you’ve always longed for.”

I do, or at least I did. I’ve been sick for the past few weeks. Last week, I went to the doctor and found out I’m seven weeks pregnant.

So, you see Doc, I took my jealousy a little too far because in the time Rodrick selfishly took to once again be ok with us just being us, I slept with Marcus twice. I honestly could be pregnant by either one of them. I don’t know if I should be honest and risk losing the man that I’ve idolized for sixteen years, or should I lie and just tell him it’s his or to even keep it at all.

As I sit watching Dr. Wildwood, she is focused on something outside the window behind me, with a look of sheer terror in her eyes, she sits not moving or saying anything. Then suddenly the office door burst open and several men and women with navy blue jackets storm in.

When I saw the letters FBI on their chest and across their backs, I experienced a dissociative episode. All I could do was sit there and watch as they stood Belinda up, placed her in hand cuffs and walked her outside.

Eventually I was left standing in the office with two agents and one of them asked

“Ma’am, are you ok?”

Then glancing around the room, I looked up and said

“I would not be here if I was ok!”

After being interviewed and finding out that Dr. Wildwood was being arrested on fraud charges, I sat in my car watching as FBI agents continued executing their search warrant, while news crews start arriving, back at square one, completely unsure where to go from here.