Whatever Happened to Ol' Bogtrotter?

Do you remember Bruce Bogtrotter? Do you remember how that nasty, outlandish, ridiculous Headmistress Trunchbull tried to humiliate him, but he turned the tables on her? Hoo, boy! That was a scene worth remembering! She called him everything from a clot to a carbuncle, but he turned out to be a clever clogs didn't he? Ha!

Did you ever wonder what became of him? Well, I was curious, so I looked him up. Here is what he told me.

Bruce Bogtrotter's Story: As Told by the Bogster Himself

That day in the auditorium was one to remember. Changed my life, it did. I can still remember Trunchbull's face when I polished off that final slice of her chocolate cake in front of the whole school. I knew it was wrong to steal her chocolate cake in the first place, but it looked so incredibly, indescribably delicious--plus it was Trunchbull, so she kind if deserved it didn't she? Of course she did. She was quite awful.

So I stole a slice of her cake (not the whole thing, mind you) and basically admitted it on stage in front of the whole world, and she thought she'd get me back by humiliating me publicly and forcing me to eat a whole chocolate cake by myself. I thought I was going to die that day. My whole life flashed before my eyes when I took that first bite of cake. Thought for sure she'd poisoned it. But once things got rolling, I figured out that she wanted me to eat till I made myself sick.

I couldn't believe I ate that whole blasted thing! I couldn't get that grin off my face when I won the day! And when ol' Truchbull slammed that platter down on my head in pure, unadulterated frustration, I hardly felt a thing.

After that day, I realized that there was more to ol' Bogtrotter than most people thought, myself included. I wasn't the most athletic chap in those days. No, sir! I was round as a beachball--waddled everywhere I went. But I had a gift. So I decided to forego college, much to my mother's horror. In lieu of going to university, I went on tour. It was a tour of eating competitions. I rapidly gained popularity. I ate everything in those contests. I munched hot dogs and watermelons. I crunched pickles and potato chips. I masticated marbled roast beef until only bones remained. I tucked in to Twinkies, fried pickles, cotton candy, escargot, prawns, and so many other wonderful foods.

It makes me smile to think about those good ol' days. I once ate a whole whale in one sitting. Yup, sure did. Did it one bite at a time. It took me two years, but I finished that behemoth!

The only problem with all this was my . . . erm . . . well, my size. I was already a generally rotund fellow when I began my journey, but by the time I finished competing, I was a gloriously fat man. Once I weighed so much that I could no longer walk, I thought that I might need to retire from being the eating competition world champion. I figured that it might be time to make a bit of change, you know?

I decided that I wanted to take up mountain-climbing and have a go at the Himalayas. But in my current state of heaviness, I needed to walk before I could climb, so I stopped eating and only drank tea and kale juice.

You see, that's my secret to success right there. Did you catch it? Don't worry, most people don't. My secret to success is what made me a champion several times over in multiple arenas. I have the ability to make a decision and then focus on that one thing. I don't have to make a decision and then make another decision to stick with my first decision. That seems silly dun'nit? But that is what so many people do--they decide they will do something, but then they must keep deciding to do that thing over and over. Not me. Once I settle on what I want to do, I go at it--whole hog.

So back to mountain-climbing. After loads of kale juice and buckets of tea, I lost enough weight to walk again. So I kept up my kale 'n tea, and just added a walking regimen. But I tend to get a bit obsessive, so I walked a great deal. From morning ‘til night, I'd walk. I'd walk until the blisters on my feet were the size of bowling balls. It was a little painful, but after a good sleep, I was always ready to go at it again in the morning.

It wasn't long until I could run. It was exhilarating! I couldn't remember a time in my life in which I had ever run before. I must admit, I had been missing out! Feeling the wind in your face and the feeling the power in your legs driving you forward faster and faster . . . until there is a hiccup in your rhythm and one of your loose arm flaps smacks you in the face. Did I mention that my skin had gone all dodgy? Yes, well, losing so much weight so fast left my skin all loosey-goosey. I didn't mind. Once I climbed up my first mountain, I used the extra surface area to fly back down like a sugar glider. Folks thought it was amazing. That's how I ended up joining the circus, you know.

Oh, you didn't know that I joined the traveling circus? Oh my, that was a fun one. I worked in various capacities while I was there. I trained lions to play with giant balls of yarn, and I taught hippos how to dress themselves in adorable pink tutus. I juggled flaming hot dogs, swam in the shark tank with tasty treats for the little sharp-tooths, and I did the famous high dive stunt that I called, 'The Ultimate Belly-Flop.'

The circus was fun, but I eventually grew bored, so I went on to do other things. What else, you ask? Oh, well, I sold used cars, set a new puddle-jumping world record, ran with the bulls, swam with the whales, went to university (mother was so proud), earned a Phd in 'Flatulence as Self-Defense', became a wombat whisperer, won the Nerf gun world championship, hunted chupacabras, found 'Nessie, changed from being left-handed to being right-handed, and . . . oh, what else . . .? Well, that's all that comes to mind right now.

Oh! Did I mention that I saw the Trunchbull after she disappeared from my old school? It was years later. She didn't recognize me, but I sure knew who she was! It was during my stint as a motivational speaker for school children. Would you believe that she landed another headmistress position at another school!? Well she had, and she interviewed me before I came to speak. I put on a good show for her. She never suspected a thing. Oh, and she was going by the name Trenchbell at this school, but it was her!

I couldn't help myself; I really couldn't! The day came for my motivational speech, and I started off pretty regular, but I added something new, just for ol' Trunchbull . . . er . . . I mean, Trenchbell. I told my audience that I needed a volunteer. Many children raised their hands, but I pointed to a shadowy figure standing in the back. I said, "Ms. Trenchbell! If you would be so kind as to come up on stage?" She hesitated at first, but, by golly, I got her up on that stage!

I explained that for this demonstration, I needed a large chocolate cake, made with real cream and real butter. I could feel the Trunchbull's eyes cut sharply toward me on that one. One of the cook's brought out the special cake I had prepared for this. I turned to her, trying to suppress my childish grin. I explained, "Now Ms. Trenchbell, what I want you to do is simple--I want you to eat this chocolate cake."

Hoo, boy! I could tell by the look in her eyes right then that she knew exactly who I was. I just smiled winsomely at her and offered her the knife to cut the cake with. She glared at me with those cold, beady eyes and took the knife. I could tell she was contemplating using the knife for an ill purpose, but I was counting on my audience to keep her from doing anything too awful.

"I cannot eat this whole cake," she stated.

"Oh, sure you can. Just give a go! You'll never know unless you try."

She set the knife on the small table and crossed her arms, saying, "I know for an absolute fact, young man, that I cannot eat this entire cake. I do not understand what you are trying to prove."

I turned to my audience and said, "Well, there you have it kids. You are the only one that can stop you from doing amazing things. If you believe more, risk more, try more--you will amaze yourself! But if you cross your arms and say, 'I can't,' then you obviously will never be able to know your limits and see what amazing things you are capable of! Now who wants cake?"

The crowd went wild! Ha! Oh, I loved every moment of it. The Trunchbull slithered away, and I never saw her again, but I heard soon after that there was a new headmistress at that school soon after my visit.

And to think! I never got to thank her for changing my life that day so long ago when she set that chocolate cake in front of me and challenged me to eat the whole of it. I owe the ol’ gal a thank you.