What Next?

CLASSIFIED

DO NOT REMOVE FROM LOCATION

DRAFT COPY – not to be sent to MI6 until review and edit

PATIENT NAME: James Bond

INTELLIGENCE NETWORK: MI6

STATUS: Retired

RESIDENCY STATUS: Permanent

BRIEF OVERVIEW:

James Bond is now a retired MI6 operative. After spending decades doing dangerous undercover work and taking down treacherous villains across the world, he had a manic episode at his retirement party. After several guests idiotically leaped out to shout ‘surprise’ he opened fire, injuring several of his close friends though luckily none were killed.

Since then, Mr. Bond has been a permanent member of Hill Valley Residential Care Facility (HIVAR), a prison institution that specialises in helping, treating and rescuing members of the intelligence services and transitioning them back to everyday life.

(Other notable patients include Johnny English, who stayed briefly after removing the Archbishop of Canterbury’s trousers on national television; and Alex Rider, who was struggling to come to terms with the death of his uncle.)

Mr. Bond has not made healthy progress since joining the facility, and it has become clear to staff that he believes he is part of an undercover operation to take down Hivar, the evil mastermind behind the experimentation on the MI6 spies’ minds. It has been decided that for now, for the sake of Mr. Bond’s mentality and his danger to others, that we will play into this role and monitor his progress.

However, it is unlikely that Mr. Bond will ever be safe enough to be returned to society, so he will remain permanently as to be contained secure.

In this document you will find a collection of patient notes about Mr. Bond, from his daily routine to the bonkers odd things he has been found doing since joining us last year. These have been compiled from doctors, other residents and the few visitors he has had.

(Note to self, remove strikethroughs before sending to MI6 for evaluation)

--Notes from Doctor Millan Munroe, specialist in psychiatric care

Monday, August 3rd

James refused his drink at breakfast again. Said it had been stirred so he wouldn’t take it – only shaken for His Highness!

--Nurse Kelly Davies

Aug 24

JAMIE'S BEEN FLIRTING WITH ALL THE CHICKS SINCE JOINING US. IT'S HILARIOUS, HIM BEING PUT DOWN LIKE A KID BY THEM ALL. HE DON'T REALLY UNDERSTAND, THO.

LOL

:) KEV SPRINGER

16th September

Bond followed me all morning. He seemed to think he was being subtle, but standing behind a fake plant in the corridor is so painfully obvious I can’t actually understand how he was a spy to begin with.

He used a paintbrush to ‘dust’ the keypad to the kitchen. Doctor Munroe found him and asked why he’d left the art studio. Bond said he was ‘looking for prints’.

I honestly don’t know how much longer we can expect this type of behaviour. His medication has already changed three times since arrival a month ago.

B.D Noller, M.D

21st September

Follow up note from earlier – Bond HASN’T BEEN TAKING HIS FKING MEDS! I don’t know how we missed it (I blame Kevin), but a PILE of pills were found under that fake plant earlier, and he looked like a doe deer in headlights.

Back to square 1.

B.D Noller, M.D

29/09

I thought I saw the new guy hiding in the cleaners’ closet, so I went and had a peek. All I could see was James’ legs sticking out of one of the ceiling tiles. It looked so crazy. I spoke to the charge nurse, and he called a code. They didn’t find him for about an hour, which is so crazy. He was bragging about it later at dinner, but only after the doctors had left the room. I think he forgot about the cameras in the dining room. He’s so crazy!

Stella

CIA Operative PATIENT

Fourteenth of October

I am greatly worried about Mr. James Bond. Only last year he was still the first man I would want by my side in the face of adversity. I am not sure what has happened to him, but he is getting worse each time I visit, which I can honestly say scared me.

Today, as I was trying to show him a photograph of my granddaughter, he emptied the water jug onto the floor and dashed around the corner as that young man Kevin came to clear up the mess. I heard from Nurse Harrison that there were paper drawn plans of the facility under his bedroom desk, and that James had been waiting for my next trip so he could try and scale the roof!

He is a danger to himself at present, but I am also heavily concerned that he is becoming more dangerous to those around him.

I am unlikely to return anytime soon to see him, though I will expect updates from HIVAR weekly on his progress, or lack thereof.

--Prime Minister

--Transcribed by Helene Michaels

This is a short story I wrote for my writing group - the prompt was The Next James Bond, and it was the first thing I wrote for the group.