What I Saw & What I See

Every day, I looked at the green light. What I saw, was beautiful.

Secured safely behind my seatbelt, I would watch as we passed through the intersections, night by night. Such young, naive innocence. As the family car would zoom through the streets, or sit still behind the white lines of security, I’d anxiously await the lights to change colors. Red to green, green to yellow, yellow to red.

In the eyes of a child, I always viewed them as magical. All of these meaningful sources of illumination to help us along our path, yet nothing felt more safe & secure than that one green light every time, comforting me with its enigmatic & cool glow. The viridescent brightness, never ceasing from letting me know we were safe to move on together towards our next adventure.

My mother would turn & look back at me during those times, & smile in sheer ignorant bliss. My father would be in the driver’s seat, of course, focusing intently on making sure we got to our destination. Sometimes, it was the opposite, with dad in the passenger’s seat, usually having a laugh or two regardless, over his dumb jokes. Nothing sticks in my mind more though, than my mother’s infectious smile.

It was always hot summer nights, with the windows down & the radio on, playing our favorite John Mellencamp tunes as we shared in the basking brightness of the lights that would guide us to our liberating destinations. The liberation for me, however, was always in these brief moments. You know that calming feeling of nostalgia you get sometimes, even though the times haven’t yet passed to become nostalgic? Yeah. That was it. How could such a simple everyday scenario be so perfect?

Of course, it’s true that there’s no such thing as pure perfection in idealism, but those nights were pretty damn close. Not a day goes by in my mind that I don’t think of them. The “perfect” weather. The “perfect” songs. The “perfect” colors. In these memories, my “perfect” life was being lived, but it was always the fact that I had the best parents anyone could ever ask for to share in that “perfection” with. They were my true lights in the darkness.

Each second that I live today, it’s still the clearest picture in my mind. A warm Summer’s evening, headed home from the park, with the sun setting just right. Three kindred spirits, riding along together, listening to “Jack & Diane” as we pass by my favorite orange slide in the area. A Kool-Aid Burst bottle in my right hand, & a Power Ranger figure in the other, the smell of fresh-cut grass & playground mulch elevates my serotonin to an all-time high as we draw closer to the ever-mystical lights.

I take a sip of my fruit-flavored drink, furthering my euphoria, as I see it, the way I’d always seen it. The bewildering shine of what seemed like beautiful emerald, even though it was really just more turquoise in reality at the end of the day. The feelings of safety setting in once again, there was much joy in my heart, despite not knowing the truly special nature of what I had for so long. As we came through the intersection, my dad had just finished telling the corniest joke about seafood. What was the joke? Doesn’t matter. He laughed. I laughed. Mom laughed, & then she turned once more to give me that heartwarming smile yet again. Then the semi-truck hit us.

Every day, I still look at that green light, and all I see now, is fear.