What I am

Today

Today is the first day of my life, funny how everyone who says it, right before something life-changing happens? The life-changing can be bad, dragging them down like weight or uplifting them making them rise above. Well, that is exactly what happened, as of right now I'm still figuring out if it's a weight or not. The beginning of the day was normal, I woke up to my alarm blaring next to my ear, the tune was a generic tune that grate my nerves. I rolled over turn off my bed got up to get ready for my day. My apartment is crappy on the south side of Louisville, I remember growing up not too far from here and it was beautiful, and told myself that I wanted to live here when I become older. Man, how time changed I thought as I brushed my teeth, now the area I live in is crappy, when the mayor decided to shut down the projects and turn put them out they paid them to get out, with that type of money they moved right in the area always wanted to live. This has lowered the property value, now everything is run down not even pizza hut deliver in my area. I put on my wrinkled work clothes ( made sure I smell them since they haven't been washed recently) and regretted getting up already. Going on nothing but steel resolved and determination repeating my daily mantra “ i can do this” as I locked my door and unlocked my car, sliding into my car seat all the while wanting to run into my apartment and forget this day ever happened .taking a deep breath, I started the car and started my route to my job, this is all muscle memory, the twist, and turns of the roads every light and stop signs, the one thing I know by heart. Overall thinking how muchIi hate my job, the tedious of it, how i feel no accomplishments at the end of the day. Pulling into the parking lot of my job, a meaningless tech pop up company. The company name is irrelevant since they change it every month or so, as i walk into the door scan my key card, traveled to the third floor. As i sigh in relief when i got into my cubicle, making small talk with people who don't even care about you what so ever makes my skin crawl.

After a 12 hour day of this hellish tirade I needed to think and decompress about my day.

I drove into Iroquois park, parking next to the amphitheater that seen better days and started to walk. I began to think about what happen to me, how did i became what i am and who i should be. The pain inside never strayed far from my mind, like pinpricks on the back of my skull always their forever reminding me the pain. The moon was full shining like the sun on the path i trek on, it has gotten cold, cold enough that the thin coat i was wearing didn't help the chill but i didn't stop. The walk to the top of Iroquois was quiet, i was lost in my own world a swirl of depression and pain. As i reach the top i actually felt something a tiny spark of accomplishment, that i didn't give up that i reach the top even though i was tired. As i look out looking over the ledge I saw something that caught my eye, a white wing flutter into my vision, i look up leaning against the ledge. It was a barn owl, i looked at this owl because it was interesting. A barn owl was rare especially in Kentucky, it circle me until in landed on a high bush near me. First i was confused, first off why was it here second why land near me a public area; their no rats, or food for them to catch because of the traffic of humans. I looked at this owl and it made me feel at peace, here i am someone who don't belong and here a owl who don't belong as well, in this messed up place called life. The pretty color, the white wings, the gray feathers on the head and the cinnamon color reflect beautify against the moonlight. The owl looked at me and i look at it, wondering why they are here. As i ,moved the owl moved to , flying to a different bush, turning its head to me, it squawk like it was repreming me because I was moving around, acting that i need to be still so they can judge me, and see into my soul like they was god. I stop moving letting them judge me, who knows they probably think I'm a bad person and gouge my eye out. As I was looking at the owl i wonder why am i here? Pain erupted in my chest thinking about my past, the owl looked at me with their golden eyes, searching for something. Understanding with knowledge of what I don't know or will ever comprehend. After a while I decided to leave, the pain from my past and the owl was unnerving me, making me feel something that I will never understand something that I won't want to see, I will rather be blind obvious to what is front of me instead of seeing the truth. As I slowly walk back to once I came the owl was behind me constantly making noises that made me believe it was saying, why walk away, don't you want to want to heal from the pain. I told myself it no i don't want to live thru this pain, pain of the past. As i walked the asphalt path and think about how i can avoid this weird meddling owl, i realize how alone i am, always wanting something or someone to reach out to me. I was always a black sheep, i think outside the box not keeping up with what others what to be. It hurts growing up alone, knowing that no one will never love me for who i am. god. I stop moving letting them judge me, who knows they probably think I'm a bad person and gouge my eye out. As i was looking at the owl i wonder why am i here? Pain erupted in my chest thinking about my past, the owl looked at me with their golden eyes, searching for something. Understanding with knowledge of what I don't know or will ever comprehend. After a while I decided to leave, the pain from my past and the owl was unnerving me, making me feel something that I will never understand something that I won't want to see, I will rather be blind obvious to what is front of me instead of seeing the truth. As I slowly walk back to once I came the owl was behind me constantly making noises that made me believe it was saying, why walk away, don't you want to want to heal from the pain. I told myself it no i don't want to live thru this pain, pain of the past. As i walked the asphalt path and think about how i can avoid this weird meddling owl, I realize how alone i am, always wanting something or someone to reach out to me. I was always a black sheep, i think outside the box not keeping up with what others what to be. It hurts growing up alone, knowing that no one will never love me for who i am. god. I stop moving letting them judge me, who knows they probably think I'm a bad person and gouge my eye out. As i was looking at the owl i wonder why am i here? Pain erupted in my chest thinking about my past, the owl looked at me with their golden eyes, searching for something. Understanding with knowledge of what I don't know or will ever comprehend. After a while I decided to leave, the pain from my past and the owl was unnerving me, making me feel something that I will never understand something that I won't want to see, I will rather be blind obvious to what is front of me instead of seeing the truth. As I slowly walk back to once I came the owl was behind me constantly making noises that made me believe it was saying, why walk away, don't you want to want to heal from the pain. I told myself it no i don't want to live thru this pain, pain of the past. As i walked the asphalt path and think about how i can avoid this weird meddling owl, I realize how alone i am, always wanting something or someone to reach out to me. I was always a black sheep, i think outside the box not keeping up with what others what to be. It hurts growing up alone, knowing that no one will never love me for who i am. god. I stop moving letting them judge me, who knows they probably think im a bad person and goudge my eye out. As i was looking at the owl i wonder why am i here? Pain erupted in my chest thinking about my past, the owl looked at me with their golden eyes, searching for something. Understanding with knowledge of what I don't know or will ever comprehend. After a while I decided to leave, the pain from my past and the owl was unnerving me, making me feel something that I will never understand something that I won't want to see, I will rather be blind obvious to what is front of me instead of seeing the truth. As I slowly walk back to once I came the owl was behind me constantly making noises that made me believe it was saying, why walk away, don't you want to want to heal from the pain. I told myself it no i don't want to live thru this pain, pain of the past. As i walked the asphalt path and think about how i can avoid this weird medding owl,i realize how alone i am, always wanting something or someone to reach out to me. I was always a black sheep, i think outside the box not keeping up with what others what to be. It hurts growing up alone, knowing that no one will never love me for who i am.

The owl glistening in the moonlight over head of me, every time I look up i see the white wings flapping, squawking making me know that it still their following me, making sure that i know that it was there. Why cant the owl just leave me alone ! I want to scream “go away” but i know deep down it wont knowledge my words either it don't understand it or just don't care about my uncomfortableness that I'm being followed by what i thought was a stupid bird. As i moved down the path i wanted to ask, “ why are you here’ are you like the raven in Edgar Allen poe books? are you here to predict my death? I started to speed up, hoping my long legs can make me move faster to get at away from the wannabe raven , the thing who want to predict my death. My feet touch the asphalt to the beat of a song that is long gone from my mind all i want to do is leave my past and this blasted owl behind, as i run i slipped on a broken branch of a tulip tree that seen better days and i hit my head on the asphalt that i thought it will save me. All i saw as i before the darkness is the owl circling me like i was prey.

I woke up in a field that i do not know, it will filled with wild flowers of all different colors the sun was nice and warm. I felt free no pain or weight if the past plaguing me, just warmth. I wanted to be there forever, isnt wrong to live in a fantasy? Something that i will never reach in the real world no matter how i plead, beg pray to my god that i feel like never hears? Am i wrong to seek something that i wanted since i was born acceptance? Then i see the white wings, the different colors that made up my owl. Yes i said my owl, the one who have me in this position, so i will call it my owl, even tho who how annoying as it was, it was the owl who followed me, who

squawked at me. It circled overhead, trying to show me wane to follow. SI I follow, into the woods it flew into, it was dark with whispers telling me, “why” please don't leave me: into the woods I go hearing the painful whispers that follow, please don't leave me, but I was a coward in the past I know I was, now I wasn't I head into the trees knowing my past is waiting for me. The trees look dead, only darkness no sunlight can seep into the canopy