What Holds us Back

Left. Down. Straight. Up, and to the right.

“Nice weather tonight, huh?”

This was the first of the three things Jon hated most in life – small talk. Jon craned his neck just enough to let the woman talking to him, Eris, fall into his field of vision.

“Very funny.” He replied, considering her for a moment. There was nothing but snow on this planet, hardly what anyone would consider ‘good weather’. Flowing raven hair, sharp emerald eyes and a soft complexion made this woman very appealing to the eye, though Jon knew better than to try anything. He inhaled another puff of his cigarette, letting wispy tendrils of poison fill his lungs and lull his stresses away, before letting it back out in a small coughing fit.

“You should really kick the habit. It smells putrid.” She leaned against the railing he was against, staring out into the distance just as he had been moments ago.

“Most people tell me the same thing. They usually use my health as the reason, though.” He flicked the cigarette, watching it fall into the snow below.

“Guess that makes me different than most people?” She smirked.

“Don’t flatter yourself, its not in a good way.”

“Hah, aren’t you a charmer.”

Jon grunted in response, turning his attention away from the woman and back out into the vast oppenness that laid before him. The two stayed like that for a moment, staring out into expansive nothingness. It was as though a pale sheet blanketed the earth, little snowflakes slowly falling from the sky. Each one was unique and different, slowly making their descent into void. It reminded him of people, in a way. In the distance a green light flashed repeatedly, penetrating mundane white with the occasional hue of green, each color dancing furiously with one another for the sake of domination. White always won, in the end.

“What’re you doing out here every night, Jon? I’ve seen you here every day for the past two weeks.” Eris crossed her arms, her voice dropping a little.

“It’s a beautiful view, don’t you think? What do you think that light over yonder is?” Jon ignored her question, pointing a finger at the blinking torch.

“How should I know?” She frowned, considering the light for a moment.

“It looks so far away, doesn’t it? I wish I could go and see for myself, it’s just so beautiful out there.”

“What’s stopping you?”

“Work, obviously.” He let out a small laugh. “I can’t afford to take even a day off. Right now our shares-“

“Dude. PLEASE don’t start talking about all your business shit. You’re gonna make my brain melt again, like last time.” She complained, making a pouty face.

“Fine, fine. I see you staring out into it too, sometimes. Any reason you can’t go see what it is?”

“Boyfriend would kill me.” She let out a boisterous sigh. “He’s a real prick sometimes, but above all his flaws it’s the clinginess that really gets me.”

“I know what you mean. I’ve had relationships like that before, too. They’re the worst.” He let out a small laugh. There was another moment of silence between the two.

“I gotta get back to work, my break is about to end. Take care of yourself. Okay, Jon?” She grinned, giving him a small wave before disappearing down the stairs that led up to the platform they were on. It was a small place nestled between two larger buildings, overlooking the grand expanse of the Planet Vesti. Jon was born and raised here, within the large dome of oxygen that housed this federation colony. He knew Eris was originally from planet Earth, though how she ended up becoming a barmaid at some backwaters planet was a mystery he had yet to solve. They were polar opposites, with no common interests or personality overlaps. The only thing tying them together.. well, he wasn’t so sure himself. It was a feeling he couldn’t quite put into words, though the closest thing he could get to it was ‘monotony’. The bar she worked at was right next to this place, so they bumped into each other often every time Jon decided to come here. He gave her a curt, respectful wave as he watched her head disappear under the stairs.

That was the second thing of the three things Jon hated most in life – goodbyes. He let himself enjoy the view a little longer, before heading back home himself.

Jon hadn’t grown up with green trees as those back on Earth had. In fact, he had never even seen a tree in his life. Oxygen was provided to them artificially here. Instead, it was the violet and cobalt neon of the streets that induced a feeling of home within him. To his left was a fish stall, a gruffy man shouting at the crowds of people to buy from him despite the late hours. To his right, a mechanic performing maintenance outdoors on one of the newer domestic robots, the E.V.E. He had yet to purchase one himself, as he found the task of doing house chores rather calming. It was this hyper-urbanization that he was so used to, and another reason he couldn’t leave this place to visit the light. He was scared of what would happen when the noise of the city disappeared.

-

The day had gone by rather quickly, as usual. Business meetings, office work, nothing out of the ordinary occurred today. Nothing out of the ordinary ever occurred, anyday. Jon stepped out of his office building. Left. He turned and walked along the metal catwalk that ran along outside the buildings second floor Down. He climbed down the ladder carefully, not wanting to scuff his business suit. No good would come out of that. Straight. Jon walked down the street, avoiding eye contact with a beggar laying down on the corner of the street. They were always there, and he couldn’t do anything to help them. Up, and to the right. He climbed the familiar set of stairs that took him straight to the platform. To the right was the view he was looking for, the view he had come to love. It was a sight his eyes never grew sore of.

“You really like it here, huh?” There was that familiar voice, almost taunting in nature.

“You’re here early.” Jon fished his pack of cigarettes from his coat pocket, taking one out and lighting it. “Seems like you like it here too.” As he spoke, Eris closed the distance between the two.

“How’re you doing?” Eris asked. Jon glanced over at her and met her gaze, noticing a small bruise on her cheek.

“What happened?” His eyes narrowed.

“O-oh, just a small accident at the bar.” She said nervously. For a long moment, there was silence.

“Jon, are you.. happy?” She asked slowly, as if considering the words’ weight before churning them out.

“What? Of course I am. I’m extremely lucky to be in the position I am in, a lot of people in this city live in poverty. I have a really well-paying job and my boss-“

“I’m not asking if you’re grateful, or if you’re lucky. I’m asking you if you’re happy.” She leaned in, meeting his eyes.

“I.. Well..” Jon’s mind went blank. “It’s always been my dream to work at this company. My parents always pushed me to it, and I proved to them that I had what it takes to-“

“Jon, are you happy?” She asked persistently.

“…” Jon looked down at his feet for a moment. “I don’t know..” He replied softly.

“Yeah.. me neither.” She looked past him, staring out into the vast nothingness. That familiar green light penetrated the mundane white with every flash.

“I wanted to be an adventurer, when I was a kid.” He grunted, tossing the butt of his cigarette into the snow. “But that type of life is dangerous, with a low pay. I also thought I’d be helping more people, in my life..”

“I wanted to be an adventurer, too.” Ah. There it was, the thing tying them together. “A-anyways, my break is ending, so I’ll see you later, Jon.” She waved him off. He did the same. All he could think of was that green light. He had no friends, no family. Jon didn’t even have hobbies. As these realizations struck him one by one, his resolve continued to grow stronger. It was that night, that he made a decision.

-

Jon gripped the rebreather hard as he stormed out of his office building, earlier than usual. The third of the three things Jon hated most in life, were lies. And how he hated the lie this job, and by extension, this city, lulled him into. The lie of satisfaction, the lie of happiness. Was being simply ‘okay’ with the past fifteen years of your existence okay at all? Left. He bounded the corner, without second thought. Down. Jon hopped down the ladder much faster than usual, his suit ripping a bit as he his shoes hit the ground. Straight. He tossed the homeless man his wallet as he walked by him, the man sending a million ‘thank yous’ his way as he fumbled with it in his hands. Up and right. This time, he didn’t stop at the railing, but rather bounded over it. It was a short fall before his feet hit the snow. There it was, in the distance, that blinking green light. He took one final look back, at the city he was so used to, at the city he had grown to scared of leaving. Then, he turned heel and began walking towards the light, Eris tailing him not too far behind.

“I was wondering when you’d show up.” Jon said gruffly, tossing her one of the two rebreathers he held. She caught it.

“I hope its worth it.”

Jon had never been happier.