We Only Fuck When We're Dying

"Lock the door."

"It’s locked. Check it if you want."

"Kez. Fuck. Check it again."

"There, see? It’s fucking locked. You happy now?"

"No."

"Of course not."

"Come here."

“Why?”

“Would you stop already?”

"Fine."

"Closer."

“Okay, okay. You win. Jesus.”

“See, that wasn’t so hard? Look at me.”

“I am.”

“Look up at me. Let me see those eyes.”

"You’re already wired."

"And you’re not? Cut the shit, okay? Just not tonight.”

“You say that every time.”

“Just be here with me. Stop over thinking it. Better?”

“Sure.”

"Did you bring it?"

"You told me to."

"How much?"

"Enough to take the edge off."

"Maybe I don’t want the edge off. Maybe I want to go past the edge. Maybe I want it to take me out. Want those pretty eyes to be the last thing I see."

“I hate when you talk like that.”

“Get me my knife. Top drawer, by the bed.”

"You’re already halfway gone."

"Just fucking give it to me."

"Not all of it."

"Kez."

"Don’t look at me like that."

"Like what."

"Like I matter."

"You do."

"Fuck you."

“Come over here. Let me feel you.”

“I hate you sometimes, you know.”

“Oh baby. I hate me, too.”

“Why’s it always like this?”

“Hmm. Babe. I’m gonna fuck you so far gone even God’s gonna be standing there pissed, like we stole His high.”

“Yeah? Before or after you off yourself?”

"Here. Just slow down."

"Don’t tell me how to do this. It’s how you do it. Not me."

"Fair enough. I’m not telling you shit."

"Then stop shaking."

"You’re the one who wanted to be here."

"I didn’t ask you to care."

"Too late."

"Jesus. Fine."

"There. Breathe babydoll."

"I am breathing."

"You’re staring through me. It’s making me anxious"

"I’m trying to not lose my shit early. To stay grounded, ya know."

"Then say my name."

"Von."

"Again."

"Von."

“Say it again. Fucking mean it this time, bitch.”

“Von.”

"God. Your eyes are so fucking loud."

"Yours are glassy as hell."

“Say it again. Like you’re mine. Like we aren’t all just goddamn ghosts pretending any of this shit means anything. Like if we fuck or if I die anyone would even give a shit.”

"You’re high out of your mind."

“Say it goddamn it!”

“Fuck!”

“I’m sorry.”

“That hurt!”

“I didn’t mean it to. Just got caught up. You’re sexy as hell when you’re mad.”

"Stop saying that."

“Whatever."

“Don’t get mad.”

“I’m not. I just need more.”

“Already?”

“I don’t want to feel shit. I just want to feel you. And I want this whole fucking thing over.”

“Your nose is bleeding.”

“Is that right?”

“Yeah.”

“Turn you on?”

“No.”

“You’re full of shit. Your turn anyway. Here. That’s a good girl. Join me, won’t you? Join me, and every pretentious poet that’s ever ate a mouth full of shit and pretended any of it meant anything.”

"I don’t want to be here."

"I know."

"Don’t say it like that."

"Then say something better."

"What’s better?”

“You tell me.”

“Something honest.”

“You want honest? This is the part where everything finally makes sense and it’s terrifying because I know it won’t last.”

“Is that honest?”

“I might make it honest. Because if I don’t last, it will last.”

"I think this is honest."

"I think this is the last time I want to feel anything."

“Feel me.”

"Then come closer."

"I’m already touching you."

"Not the way I need you to."

"Von."

"Put your hand here."

"If I touch you like that, we can’t walk this back."

"I’m not walking back."

"Then you’re trying to disappear."

"Same damn thing, babe. You want to fuck or die, Kez? Because I’m game for both."

"Why do you think it has to be one?"

"There she is."

“I guess so.”

"Why you standing up? Sit back down."

"No."

"You’re shaking too much."

"If I sit, I cave."

"If you cave, I’m going with you."

"Then shut up and help me fall."

“Okay.”

"Say please."

"Please Mommy."

"Not like that. Not sarcastic."

"Please, Kez."

"Jesus."

"That wasn’t a no."

"That was me trying to keep you alive."

"Then stop touching me like you’re saying goodbye."

"Say you want me."

"I want you."

"Say it like you don’t want anything else."

"I fucking want you."

"There you are."

"Shut up."

"You shut up."

"Touch me bitch."

"I am."

"More."

"Fuck. I am."

“Make it hurt. Make it count. Fucking grab me goddamn it.”

"You okay?"

"No."

“Me neither.”

"Good."

"Stop saying that."

"Means you’re not gone yet."

"I don’t want to talk."

"Then don’t."

"You’re hard."

"So are you."

“I guess so.”

"I want it to hurt."

"It already does."

"Hurt more."

"You’re out of your mind."

"Then meet me there."

"If I do this, Von?"

"You already are."

"Tell me to stop."

"I won’t."

"Tell me this isn’t suicide."

"I can’t."

"Tell me it is."

"Still can’t."

"You fucking asshole."

"You came anyway."

"Say my name."

"Kez."

"Again."

"Kez."

"Say it like you’re going to remember this."

"I’m going to remember this."

"Even if I don’t make it to morning?"

"Especially then."

"Fine."

"Say something."

"I don’t want you dead."

"Too bad."

"I want you inside me."

"That’s not better."

"It’s the only thing I know how to say."

"Say it again."

"I want you inside me."

"God."

"Come on. Come on, Von."

"You feel like fire."

"You feel like a cliff."

"You jumped the second you walked in."

"I was falling when you called me."

"Then say it."

"I’m here."

"Say it again."

"I’m here."

"Louder."

"I’m fucking here."

"Then stay."

"I’m trying."

"Don’t fucking lie."

"I’m not."

"Say you want this."

"I want this."

"Say it like it’s the last thing you’ll ever say."

"I want this."

"Don’t let go."

"I’m holding you."

"Promise."

"I promise."

"Even if this kills us."

"Especially then."

“Choke me.”

“What?”

“Just fucking do it. Don’t stop when I tell you to.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“Just goddamn do it.”

“Like this?”

“Tighter.”

“God, your eyes.”

“You let go.”

“You tapped.”

“Guess I did. You were afraid.”

“Fuck off.”

“Come on babe. Suck it.”

“I said fuck off.”

“Open that pretty mouth and suck it babe.”

“Is that you being mean or you being scared.”

“Pick one.”

“You’re breathing wrong.”

“Don’t lecture me.”

“I’m not. I’m counting.”

“Stop counting.”

“I can’t if you don’t.”

“I’m not counting.”

“You always lie about that.”

“Fine. Then say my name.”

“Von.”

“Again.”

“Von.”

“Slower.”

“Von.”

“There.”

“What.”

“You came back.”

“Don’t get attached.”

“Your voice is steadier than mine.”

“That won’t last.”

“Nothing ever does.”

“Shut up.”

“Make me.”

“If I do, you’ll go quiet.”

“And if I don’t, you will.”

“Fuck.”

“There. That sound.”

“What sound.”

“Like you’re deciding.”

“I already decided.”

“You always say that right before you don’t.”

“Stop watching me like that.”

“Like what.”

“Like I’m already gone.”

“Then don’t act like it.”

“You’re pressing down.”

“So you don’t drift.”

“Drift where?”

“Stop asking questions you don’t want answers to.”

“I’m afraid of the answers."

“Then stop talking and suck it.”

“Is that an order?”

“Is that defiance?”

“You’re cold.”

“So are you.”

“That’s not the same thing.”

“It is when it spreads.”

“Don’t close your eyes.”

“I’m not.”

“You are.”

“Then talk louder.”

“About what.”

“About now.”

“Now feels heavy.”

“Good.”

“Don’t say that.”

“Means gravity still works.”

“I need you.”

“Kez.”

“Von.”

“If I stop talking.”

“I’ll keep listening.”

“If I don’t answer.”

“I’ll say your name.”

“Promise.”

“I’ll try.”

“That’s not enough.”

“It’s all I’ve got.”

“Stay.”

“I’m here.”

“Say it like it costs you.”

“I’m here.”

“Don’t let go.”

“I’m not.”

“Even if this is a bed.”

“Even if it isn’t.”