Wanting to fly only to fall

I watch as a couple glides around the edges of the frozen pond, holding hands to keep each other steady. They look at each other with trust and love. They flitter to the centre of the pond and the man spins his lover around. She must feel like she is flying. Then the ice cracks and she is falling.

***

My family used to go to the lake house every Christmas. The snow settled heavily on the ground, the trees were skeletons and the pond was frozen solid. It was my favourite time of year because we were all together. Usually, we were scattered across the country. I was excited for all of us to sit by the fire, trading stories about our lives so it felt like we hadn’t missed a thing.

“We should go ice skating on the pond tomorrow,” my brother said as we were washing up the dishes from the roast dinner that I was still feeling stuffed from.

“Yeah, we should.” I smiled. Skating on the pond was my favourite part of staying at the lake house. The smooth movement of my skates sliding along the frozen surface was what I could only envision flying felt like. Closing my eyes as I did a pirouette in the centre of the pond. I imagined I was weightless.

Mum cut in. “I don’t know if the pond will be completely frozen yet. Maybe leave it a couple of days.” She was looking down, but I could still see the worry lines creasing her forehead.

“Did you not see how thick the snow was on the ground? It's gonna be frozen enough.”

“Ethan, even so, I would like if you and your sister would wait. We’re going to be here for a week. What's the rush?”

Ethan huffed, his temper simmering just under the surface. He'd always had a temper, but right now it seemed unnecessary to get angry when our mother was just looking out for us. I saw the muscle in his jaw twitch and was worried he would snap. Instead, he released a breath.

“Fine.”

My mother smiled. “Thank you.”

I was woken by a firm shake on my shoulder. It took a moment for my bleary eyes to focus and when they did, I saw Ethan standing next to my bed.

I sat up, rubbing my eyes. “Ethan? What’s up?”

Ethan smiled, “you said you wanted to go ice skating. So, let’s go.”

I looked out the window and saw that it was still dark.

I turned back to Ethan. “It’s the middle of the night.”

Ethan grinned, “Yeah it will be a new experience. An adventure. What? You scared, Emily?”

I frowned thinking it over. Then I grinned and threw my covers off my body. “Let’s go have an adventure.”

***

She's sinking fast, the skates weighing her down. Her lover tries to grab and pull her back to safety. But he seems to have forgotten he isn’t weightless either. Gravity pulls them both under and the ice knits itself back together. Trapping them, so they may never fly again.

***

Ethan and I made our way around the back of the lake house and ventured into the thicket of trees that were concealing the pond. We trudged along, the snow crunching under our boots. It seemed like we were walking for an eternity. Eventually, the forest parted and gave way to a clearing. And there was the pond. The iced-over surface sparkling like diamonds in the bright moonlight.

The silence around the pond was unusual. I was used to raucous laughter from the neighbourhood children filling it. The night was still. Tranquil.

“What’re you waiting for? Get your skates on.”

I looked over and Ethan was sitting on the bank with one skate already secured.

I lowered myself to the bank and pulled out my skates. By the time I had them both on, Ethan was waiting for me at the edge of the pond.

We skated around for a while, going every which way until I found myself in the centre of the pond. I closed my eyes and spun like I had all the times before.

I felt weightless. I was flying.

I opened my eyes, feeling giddy, and looked around for Ethan. I didn’t see him at first, hidden in the shadows at the edge of the pond. He was holding something. Gripped harshly in both hands. It was an axe. My eyes widened and before I could think to move, Ethan swung the axe and cracked the ice from the edge of the pond to where I was still standing.

I felt the ice crack under the strain of my weight and the last thing I saw before I went under was Ethan’s impassive eyes.

The water-filled my lungs as I was dragged into the depths of the pond. I saw my brother standing over me. He mouthed something.

Just before the darkness took me, I understood.

“I’d rather watch you fall, than fly.”

After that night, the lake house remained empty every year. No more joyous chatter around the fireplace. No more roast dinners at Christmas. Only silence.

***

I stare at the faces of the couple pressed up against the underside of the frozen pond. Their eyes are glazed over and their mouths are open in a silent scream.

I wonder if I looked like that when I was dragged from my watery grave. I wasn’t watching them pull my lifeless body from the water. I was looking at the bank where my family stood. Ethan stood with them, sobbing that he had tried to save me when he saw the ice cracking.

At that moment I felt a rage I have only ever felt in death. The ice splintered underneath the men who were dragging me out. They hurried to the shore before I could pull them under.

The couple is found a day later and the day after that, there are signs placed all around the pond saying it is unsafe and to not skate on it. A part of me wonders after so many drownings before this one, why have they decided to put warnings here now.

A week later, I see a girl on the bank slipping ice skates on. She slides onto the frozen pond, ignoring the warnings. She gets to the middle of the pond and does a graceful twirl. She must feel like she is flying. I stand in front of her, unseen. I feel the rage overtake me. She is trying to fly when all I did was fall. The ice cracks. I watch her go under.

I watch the ice knit itself back together once more.

“I’d rather watch you fall, than fly.”

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