Victim; Accused

A few years ago, I was with someone related to me. My life with them changed into something I did not expect.

I grew up in a loving family. No hatred, no selfishness, no grudges, no violence. I was taught to love everyone around me. Say "Thank you" when grateful, and "Sorry" if I made a mistake. Growing up, I always did those. I always say "Thank you" to anyone who helps me, no matter how big or small things are. Say "Sorry" even though I wasn't the one who should be doing it. I was taught to be honest, even if it means that I have to be disciplined. I was taught to be responsible for doing household chores, as we all are.

I became this young lady who always think that "I got the best family ever!" I never thought of any negative things about anyone. I always saw them as a great example to me. I always look up to them. However, that changed.

I grew up known being a cheery kid. Always think positively, even facing problems. I grew up telling significant people around me that "I'm okay. I'm fine. I'm great." But the truth is, I AM NOT. I GREW UP KEEPING SECRETS. KEEPING TRAUMAS INSIDE ME. Trauma that I got, after going far away from my family.

I faced different kinds of hardships, pressures, and feelings. I grew up feeling valued. I grew up being important to specific people in my life. I grew up worthy and loved. Yet, I grew up to be a not-so-fine lady to others. I am worthless to them. They saw nothing important to me, nothing, but a headache. Nothing but an unimportant living thing in front of them.

Being with these people did no good to me. I was depressed. Tried to end my life. Not once, but multiple times.

Well, I appreciate the good times, and good experiences I had with them. The opportunity to learn new things grew into city life, and the lessons I got from them. But, the TRAUMA that I got from them is enough to leave them.

Well, you might think about what I went thru being with them. Before spending time with them, I was this jolly, being me, the lady who loves to talk so much with my friends. While spending time with them, I shut myself. Restricted. Unvalued. Slapped, when trying to defend me. I was emotionally tormented. I saw things that is so new to me. Like punching someone right in the face, in front of me. I saw blood. I saw chaos, yelling, and quarreling. I saw it not only once a year, but almost every day for four years. Even when one of them is sick.

In one house, under one roof. I. SAW. A. VIOLENCE. Right in front of my eye... and there is nothing I can do about it. Because this person said: "You are the reason why we are fighting!!!!" When it is them who decided to take me away from my family. Assuring me that, with them, I can easily reach my goals. Far behind the truth, I am slowly grabbing those goals.

The moment I had enough of it and chose to leave, leave behind an ill person to a violent one. I BECAME THE BAD ONE. Choosing to save my own life from getting "killed". Killed by myself, killed by that person who threatened me, who told me "I will kill you! Time will come, I will kill you!" I BECAME THE UNGRATEFUL ONE. I BECAME THE BAD ONE. When both of them go along together. When both of them are happy with each other. While I was afraid every second of my life. Surviving an environment that is so strange to me. A prison to me.

Would it be different if I didn't leave? Would I be where I am now If I did not make that decision? Would I have this peace of mind if I were still there? Could I wear this beautiful genuine smile again if I chose to stay? Could I reach these goals if I am with them?

Do you really wanna know what I am feeling right now? I am feeling down. Emotionally tormented. Asking myself if I made the right decision. If yes, then why I am suffering? Why am I punishing myself? Why, when it is me who suffers from the trauma that I got from them? I was the victim. Yet, I am accused because of leaving them.

Still, I have to go on. I know that it's not only me who suffers from this kind of pain. Many people are dealing with difficulties that are bigger than mine. They stood up from their downfall. They face it every day. They made it a reason to live, to give love, to be happy, and to be who they are now. What I am facing right now is just a preparation for what am about to face shortly. The lesson is, NO MATTER HOW HARD LIFE IS, DON'T GIVE UP. LIVE WITH IT, AND SET ASIDE THOSE PROBLEMS.

Coping from trauma is not as easy as others might think. In my case, I tend to keep all my problems to myself. Not because I do not want help, but because I don't want to add to my family or friends' problems. Even so, we are different from each other when it comes to certain, specific things. Hence, all I can say is, NEVER LET OTHER PEOPLE DRAG YOU DOWN. LEARN TO FORGIVE, LEARN TO FORGET. DO NOT JUDGE OTHER PEOPLE JUST BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU EXPERIENCE, THEY MIGHT BE GOING THRU THE SAME SITUATION AS OURS. LASTLY, IF ALL IN YOUR MIND IS NEGATIVITY, LOOK FOR A POSITIVE THING. EVEN IF THE CHANCES ARE SMALL, FOCUS ON IT AND MAKE IT SIGNIFICANT. DO NOT HOLD GRUDGES.

REMEMBER, NOTHING IN THIS WORLD IS PERMANENT. EVERYTHING IS TEMPORARY. THAT INCLUDES OUR HARDSHIPS, DIFFICULTIES, TRAUMAS, etc. PUTTING YOUR LIFE IN DANGER WILL DO NO GOOD, IT WON'T STOP THE PROBLEM. IT'LL JUST ADD TO THE PAIN THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU FEEL. LOVE, APPRECIATE YOUR LIFE.

Love you all, Sweeties. <3