UNWANTED

"You are good for nothing", he always yelled. Dad never saw anything worth celebrating in me. Life was always a constant battle. A battle with self. I was always trying to fight the inner voices, that kept echoing the words of dad. Maybe he's right, I thought. Or maybe I wasn't meant to be born. At a very tender age I started asking questions that those about my age would never think of. For most of them, it's all about superheroes and just childish questions. For me, I asked both theological and philosophical questions. For my pains and emotional wounds made me mature faster than nature would let me.

I was unusually quiet, for my personality type suggests that I ought to be loud and very interactive. But I was always by myself. Head in hand and thoughts so loud. Pondering over every event became my pastime. Yes, you heard it. I guess you are wondering how such a thing could be a period of amusement. But the point is, with what I was going through I couldn't find any happiness; all I knew was pain. Happiness seemed improbable, and pain seemed inevitable. Every night was like the Olympics: I had to earn the right to sleep. For fear, pain, rejection and confusion wouldn't let me sleep without a fight. Every morning was never bright for me. Even the smile of the sun eventually became a reminder of horror. Yes, another day of immense and incessant pain.

It wasn't just dad, but my teachers too. They too said I'd amount to nothing. My efforts in class were never enough. Even before I spoke some letters, they already knew my answer. Not that they did, but that it would definitely be illogical. And as they thought, so it materialised. After all, who can expect much from a kid with no love at home? With no acceptance and belief. Not only dad and my teachers rejected me, but I also rejected myself. Why won't I? After spending the first ten years of my life in rejection's jail, it was not a surprise that I myself would be an embodiment of rejection. Yes, ask a student in class that "What is rejection?", and if he mentions my name, he will not be wrong. Yes, now you know who I became.

God showed me mercy, and I ended up at the University of St. Vincent. I was given Religion and Philosophy to study. Well, I had always been a theologian and philosopher, I thought. I guess they just want me to continue what I have already been doing - thinking. I enjoyed both programs at the university. My proclivity for thinking deep made me a master of philosophy. What seemed confusing to my contemporaries was downright amazing and interesting to me. It wasn't long, and my professors noticed me. That meant a lot to me. This is because, for the first time in my life, someone had found some worth in me. You see, this is what happens when those who were supposed to build and care for you at a tender age rather broke you. Well, I don't have time to go to the past. I'm a genius now at the University of St. Vincent. Let me enjoy this moment as much as I can.

I met this young lady at the cafeteria on campus. I said hello and she responded with a beautiful smile. She said Kate was her name, and I told her mine. We became friends and had great admiration for each other. It wasn't long, I proposed love to Kate. She accepted me without wavering. it turned out that she was already madly in love with me. So, I'm a great guy after all. Well, I'm in love, and that's all that matters. I don't have time to think about this, whether it will last or not. Kate and I were the lovebirds on campus. Wherever you see Kate, you will see me. We just couldn't leave each other for a second. All the ladies in my class knew I had a girlfriend. And all the guys in Kate's class knew she had a boyfriend. Guess what? We didn't want any disturbances . Our love was genuine; no room for enemies.

Kate and I started having problems, unfortunately. I was always mistrusting because that is how I built myself during childhood. I couldn't trust dad, my teachers, and I couldn't trust me. I know you've been wondering, "What about your mon?". Well, mom was never around. She left the marriage as soon as I was born. She couldn't stand my dad's obnoxious behaviour. So now I guess you understand me? I never had the care of a mother too. Well, quite a messed up history I've got. Anyways, let me get back to what I was saying. Yes, Kate and I were always arguing, because I just couldn't trust her. She wasn't the problem, but I was. My mistrust manifested in chronic jealousy and suspicion. Every gentleman that calls her phone is a rival, in my thinking. So bad that I once thought her own brother whom I was yet to know was a potential boyfriend. Very bad, right? Unfortunately, Kate had to leave me. I was so broken and drowned in the ocean of despair. I couldn't do much within that period. Eventually, I overcame the whole experience and moved on.

I graduated from the University of St. Vincent with a First Class Honours in Religion and Philosophy. I wanted to settle down right after that. But I knew I had to overcome my inner battles and struggles. Yes, who can blame me for what my young self went through? It is no fault of mine that mom left. It is no fault of mine that I had an unloving dad. And it is definitely no fault of mine that my teachers said I was worthless. But it is very evident from my story that most broken people have a background story. I was always unwanted, and that eventually determined the course of my life. But the power to change my life will always lie in my hands alone. And today I am taking that step. Yes I am!