Untamed

No one in the world knew about the ziplock bag. She hid it in the bottom drawer underneath other papers and random items. To the untrained eye, it was just a pile of nothing. Yet, on these quiet summer nights, she knew exactly where to find that package of memories.

Loving someone for twelve years when they did not love you back was hard enough, but having all your friends and family know the depth of your feelings made things so much worse. It was better this way. Hiding and pretending was easier than letting them see how much she still cared. JJ said that he never really loved her and that was that. At least, that is what she told herself and others when he would come up in conversations.

Reality did not always match one's words. When someone brought up a memory of time spent with JJ, she always made sure to emphasize how much she was praying for him and wishing him well. It's not that those were lies. It's just that she also wished him heartache. How could he do all that he did to her and sleep at night? It was not fair that everyone expected her to just move on, trust God, and believe for better. They weren't the ones who wasted ten years of their life on one person. They weren't the ones who had to spend two years reliving the breakup over and over.

She should just throw out the ziplock bag.

She couldn't. When dad was alive he told her that if, out of a moment of anger, she packed up all of JJ's crap in a box and gave it back to him, she would hurt him deeply. She half-listened. Maybe dad would be half-proud of her. She couldn't help it. JJ broke up with her in the summer of 2019. He ignored her for two weeks and then told her that, after all of the times they embraced, all the late nights they spent talking about their aspirations, and all of the times she stood by his side when he had nothing, he never ever loved her. She didn't believe him. But JJ seemed to believe what he was saying. In fact, his actions seemed to indicate it as well.

Oh why couldn't he have broken up with her outside her house? Instead, she had to endure the awkward car ride home. On top of that, she was starving at the time. Her heart was figuratively bleeding, her stomach was literally growling, and JJ had the nerve to make two detours before finally dropping her back home. That was a bad day. Was it worse than the day her father passed away? It shouldn't be. But, while memories of her dad have long since become full of nostalgia and joy, memories of JJ--even when they force a smile upon her countenance--bring only sorrow. That's why she had to pack that box of his clothes.

She initially threw everything in there. Every note written back in high school. Every birthday card. Even the stuffed elephant she slept with nearly every night since JJ gave it to her. When he showed up a few days before Christmas 2019 to talk to her brother, she told him she had something for him. The way JJ's eyes lit up both softened her resolve and hardened her heart. He seemed so happy and believed that, even after months of only talking when church related issues came up, she had gotten him a present for Christmas. Of course he would think the "something" she had was a gift. It was Christmas time. She felt so stupid. She did not want to hurt him. Her dad's warning practically screamed at her not to do it. But what was she going to do now? Run to her room and find some random thing to give to him as a gift? Part of her felt terrible for raising his hopes. Another part was livid.

She imagined that this anger was the kind the matadors instilled in bulls. The bulls were just creatures of passion. Its not their fault that the humans taunt them and stir that passion up negatively. She tried to heed her father's caution. Do not hurt JJ intentionally. Do not wound his pride. Well, he did not seem to care about hurting her. She saw red. They broke up in July. In the five months since, he did not try to apologize or admit that, even if he did not want to be with her now, his statement about never loving her was too much. Too wrong. Too wounding. He did not care. Why should she? Anger spurred her on. She remembered leaving JJ by the front door with a hope in his eyes that seemed to think she cared enough to get him a gift. Why did he even want something from her? Why in the world did he think she would humilate herself by still getting him something? As many times as her mind still betrayed her and wondered how we was doing each day, she did not, in fact, get him a Christmas present.

As she walked to her room, she recalled the boyish grin on his face and she wanted to knock it right off. She couldn't very well slap him in front of her own brother. She was already planning to disappoint one male family member's memory; she should try to avoid embarassing another. All their relationship was packed in this cardboard box and she rejoiced in the small revenge of throwing it all in his face. She saw the elephant and paused. As much as JJ deserved to be knocked clean off his feet by a bull, she knew her dad was right. Giving him everything back was too much. It was too wrong. Too wounding.

She quickly tossed out everything but his clothes and a DVD of her favorite romance movie. JJ once watched it with her and listened to all of her commentary about why the male lead was just what a man ought to be: Honorable, handsome, and heroic. At the time, she thought JJ was that type of man. By that Christmas, she did not have the same convication, but she could not hurt him. Not like he so easily did to her.

She walked the box back to the front door and said, "I was just cleaning and found some of your clothes and thought you'd like to have it back." She saw the hurt in his eyes almost immediately. What did he expect? He didn't care about breaking her heart and leaving her for months without a sign that he was sorry. Still, she softened her approach and added, "I think you'll be happy. There's a belt in there. You're always looking for one, so there you go."

JJ swallowed visibly and grabbed the box. At that same moment her brother, who apparently had left the area when she went to retrieve the box and whose absence she failed to acknowledge previously, returned with too much of a jovial spirit.

"Leaving so soon, JJ? Well, it was good to see you. Thanks for stopping by," her brother blurted out, cutting the tension of the previous moment but not lessening its presence one bit.

"Yeah, I should go," JJ replied with an even tone. Her brother went to give him a side hug, which JJ reciprocated without placing the box down.

"Ow that really hurts," her brother said to jokingly admonish JJ for pressing the box into his person.

"Love really hurts," JJ had replied sorrowfully and in so small a whisper that she barely heard it. JJ balanced the box in one hand, opened the door, and left.

The next day, he sent her a text. It still was not an apology, but JJ thanked her for always believing in him and having his back, even when she was mad at him. Did he know she was mad at him? She didn't even realize she felt such anger towards him until she envisoned JJ being hit by a raging bull, getting slapped in the face, and begging for her to forgive him. JJ then followed up that text with a picture of one of his sweaters, asking her if she was sure she didn't want to keep it. She wasn't sure. But, she told him she was. She told JJ she couldn't keep it anymore.

Now, over a year and a half later, she had nothing left of their relationship but the contents of the ziplock bag and the stuffed elephant. Of course, she also had the memories that played over and over again. They broke up over two years ago. She should be enjoying this summer break, but here she was, staring at a bag full of items any other living person would consider junk.

JJ and her haven't spoken since the prior September. The church split due to drama betwen members of the church and that meant that even their small connection was coming to a forcible end. The division was unexpected and seemed very un-Christian. To be fair, her anger felt pretty un-Christian too. Perhaps anger wasn't what she felt. She just felt forsaken. Sometimes, she wished she didn't let JJ know how hurt she was by hurting him and returning that box of clothes.

It wasn't until recently that she remembered he gave her that particular sweater he asked about so that she could stay warm. He knew that her anemia always made her feel the chill in the air more profoundly than others, and when he saw her shivering, he offered it to her and told her to keep it.

She forgot about that.

It must have really hurt when she told him she couldn't keep it anymore. He had given it to her during a cold winter day, taking it off of his very back and leaving himself in nothing but a white sleeveless shirt. It was one of her favorite memories with him. In all of her anger or sorrow or whatever it was, she had been blinded and forgot. She did not remember that kindness and love because he told her he never loved her. He added pain on top of their separation every now and then, such as when he said she was to blame for the church split and then apologized hours later, sharing he was just hurt that the split was happening. That was the last substantive conversation that they had. She never even told him she forgave him. Perhaps she didn't quite forgive him yet.

She saw JJ a few weeks ago. Nine months since the church split. Almost two years since they broke up. Twelve years, nine months, and eighteen days since they first met. She saw him as soon as he entered the room and knew where he was at all times. By the end of this event that they were both attending, they both said hi to one another. Just one word in addition to each other's name.

Yes, even if she couldn't admit it to anyone else, it all still hurt. But she didn't want him to still be hurting. Maybe she needed to tell him she forgave him. Maybe she needed to actually forgive him. She should tell him she was sorry about the sweater. She should tell him she truly loved him for all those years, even if he didn't love her back. It did not feel very Christian to be a creature of passion and let someone stir up her emotions so negatively. No matter what anyone else did, she was responsible for her reactions. Maybe bulls did not have to attack. She had attacked back many times in her life.

It would feel good to be a passionate person, who could be loving in the most trying of times, when the world felt awfully cruel.

The ziplock bag wasn't something she should hide. Her experiences--good and bad--made her who she was. She didn't know if JJ was still hurting or if he cared as much as she did. She just wanted to be happy. Her father told her not to intentionally hurt JJ. She would make sure to never intentionally hurt anyone.

With that thought in mind, she reached for the ziplock bag with a smile on her face. These were memories with someone she loved for many years. JJ may be long gone from being a daily presence in her life, but she would feel joy when thinking of their good moments. She hoped, that if her father were around, he would have felt fully proud of her in this moment.