Unlearning

Step 1. Admit the truth.

If you are reading this, you likely have already completed step 1.

If you stumbled upon this text and have no idea why you picked it up, then the first thing you must do is look at yourself. To live as a human is to know pain and to cause pain. Of course, these are not the only aspects of life that exist, nor are they the only ones that matter. However, as a believer in the power and importance of collective memory, I know we must acknowledge these truths to move forward societally. To help save ourselves and our planet.

The reality of our experience on this earth is that it is shared, and I include all flora and fauna in that reality. We can no longer pretend that inconvenience, annoyance, ignorance, or even hate are good enough reasons to isolate ourselves and forget how to coexist or cooperate. The former two are easier to navigate, since we may not have the same aversion to them as we do hate and ignorance, but do not be confused: the latter two are navigable just the same. The stakes are too high not to spend the time learning how to collaborate or simply share dialogue with those with whom you disagree.

This looks like being gentle with yourself and others. Listening more than talking. Taking sacred pauses instead of speaking from a place of anger. It looks like practicing honest and direct communication. It is patience.

Step 2. Break it down.

Name the physical, psychic, social, and emotional harm done to you.

Start small at first. Do what you can to identify where and how you hurt. The danger of never doing this is as much spiritual as it is somatic. The benefit of doing the work is the same. Either way, you will feel it in your mind and in your bones. Trust me, that score your body keeps, the one Resmaa or Bessel talked about, will keep tallying whether you're looking or not. It's better to start a triage than to do nothing at all; it's better to see.

Step 3. Extrapolate.

Name the ways in which that harm has taught you to physically, psychically, socially, or emotionally harm others.

We've all done it. Maybe not intentionally, but that hardly matters. Be honest with yourself. Who have you hurt, and how? Did you justify it with your pain to ease the guilt? Or has it festered in your psyche all this time? Maybe you didn't realize you harmed someone, but do you now? Do you see how we all perpetuate harm? Are amends necessary, or will self-improvement be enough to repair what you broke?

Part of the battle is admitting the problem, but what matters most is what you do after.

Step 4. Forgive.

It is never easy to acknowledge, let alone accept, the ways in which we have harmed or been hurt and how our culture shapes that pain.

Whether by our own or others' designs, we are more disconnected than ever, making it easier to ignore other people's feelings and preferences. Our culture dictates that our social life must exist almost exclusively online, so many of us don't even know how to interact in person anymore. If we do, it often causes a great deal of anxiety. We repress our true feelings IRL, whilst simultaneously using the internet to bully, harass, or simply shout into the void. We ignore vulnerability as a nuisance, or worse, mock it as a flaw. We say "I'm fine" when we mean "I'm not okay."

Forget that, and forgive yourself for ever having believed that this was how humans were meant to relate to each other.

Step 5. Commit to heal.

Your will can be weakness or strength, depending on the work you've done to heal your wounds.

Committing to healing looks like committing to loving. Deciding that you will do the work to practice love in all its forms. Promising yourself that you will love yourself better; that you will disrupt any effort your inner saboteur makes to speak ill of you or to unmoor your self-esteem. Be kind and extend grace to yourself as you would a beloved friend. Remember, you are your first friend, the one you live with daily, and the only one who can be with you at the very end. The quality of your life and the lives of those around you depend upon the embodiment of that awareness.

Let your will drift toward change, and you will begin to see how your life opens before you.