Ugly

If love has left your heart, is it your fault?

Does love ever really leave or, is it waiting for the key?

Where can I find it? Tell me where to find it.

I’ve tried all I know how

My heart’s turning black and..

I’d like to save it before the fire is gone out of me

Somebody tell me.. How long can love wait?

I hate my body. My skin is uneven and my face is severely asymmetrical, but worst of all, I have bumps. Big ones, small ones. Itchy ones and puss filled ones. Some that hurt and some that don’t. They all make me feel ugly. Every night, I sneak into the woods behind my house. In the dark, in the woods, where my appearance doesn’t matter. Being among the trees and nocturnal animals brings me comfort I can’t get during the day. The real reason I come here is to watch the owl fly in and out of the barn. It’s calming to watch him exploring the night. He doesn’t have to worry about being ugly or lonely. Sometimes I’ll speak to him. Tell him about my fantasies of falling in love. About all the wonderful things I’d be able to do if I weren’t ugly. Not that he’s listening. Tonight, I just needed to see him one more time.

My skin was terrible when I woke up and tonight was important. This guy I’d been hanging out with, we first met chatting online. He invited me to an open mic at this bar not too far from my apartment a month ago. I couldn’t go because of my skin. He wanted to hear me sing, so I sent him a demo. He loved it and invited me to perform when my skin was better. We’d spent some time getting to know each other. He asked about my condition and wanted to help. There was a dermatologist that he’d seen in his teen years that helped him with his skin. After a few weeks of convincing me, I took a chance and allowed him to come to my apartment so that we could go see the doctor together. Sweet doesn’t begin to describe how he treated me. The gentle way he spoke and reassured me. He held my hand on the car ride to the dermatologist’s office and put his arm around my shoulder while we sat in the waiting room. Having him there at my appointment made me feel supported instead of embarrassed. Ten days later, my skin cleared up enough that I could perform at the bar.

Friendship has always been hard for me to come by since it’s hard for me to read people’s intentions. He changed all of that. The time we spent talking on the phone or online or hanging out in my apartment started giving me hope. It was also making me fall for him. Every time I saw him, I felt the love that I’d been waiting for. Tonight was to be the night I finally told him that. The last time we’d seen each other was when he dropped me off at my apartment. We were standing just inside my door. He was telling me what an awesome show I’d put on that night. He stepped in close while looking deep into my eyes and he kissed me. The smoothness of his full lips against mine sent an electric current through to my core. Awakening part of me I’d denied out of shame at my appearance. The magic of him made it feel as though my dreams were coming true.

Tonight when I confessed my feelings for him; he said the kiss was a friendly kiss. That he felt bad for me because:

“You’re ugly… all these lumps and bumps. I thought maybe you’d never been kissed and I didn’t want you to never know what that was like… I love you as a human being. Do you understand?”

He searched my eyes for my comprehension, the way you would a child to whom you’re explaining a topic at the far reaches of their unexposed understanding. Humiliation carried me from his car to where I stand now in the forest. Hot tears drip from my eyes and steam from my breath makes clouds in the night air. Musical catharsis of haunting melodies wind and weave their way out of my soul. Carrying the broken pieces of my naïve heart into the night.

Singing

“ I hurt so bad…

I’m tired of crying every night.

When will it end? When will my day come?

I’m so lost and lonely I’m trying to find my way.

When will love find me? I’ve tried to search.

When will I find the answers? Is there a key to this puzzle that is puzzling me?

Tried so hard… over and over the same thing.

I’m at the end of patience.

Is there a light in this tunnel anywhere can somebody tell me…

How long can love wait?”

Ugly sobs dismantle the remains of my crumbling resolve. My knees sink into cold soft dirt as I collapse to the ground at the base of a tree. I hold myself in the fetal position and cry myself unconscious.

I feel lost and damaged

Thrown away like trash and…

Bleeding with no bandage

What happened to….

As his tears soaked into the earth, tree roots climbed up out of the ground to cover him. Slowly wrapping their loving vines around his discarded looking shell of a body. Drawing his life force out- his soul climbed the internal network of rings until it found a home in a nest.

My eyes woke to the sound of a familiar screeching call and instinctively I take flight from my nesting hole in the tree. Another call beckons me as I come upon the barn behind my house. A loft window is my perch of choice, and I turn to see that majestic barn owl eye level with me. He hops over and nuzzles me with his round head. My wings flap excitedly as I understand what’s happened. I’m no longer alone, and I’m no longer ugly. Love has finally found me.