Trading Destinies

Black folks don't commit suicide, right? That's what they used to say when I was growing up. Things are different now, though. Black teens are killing themselves at an alarming rate. Yeah, I mean, I'm 42, but at least I have some cover. My wife, my kids, hell, the whole world would be better off without me. I always was told about my potential and how smart I was...so why the fuck am I fat, depressed, broke, and losing my family? It's all connected...I'm losing my family because I'm fat, broke, and depressed. I'm fat because I'm depressed. I'm broke because I'm fat and depressed. It's a beautiful symmetry if you think about it.

I could lose weight. But I've tried that a million times. I could go to therapy. What are they going to tell me that I don't already know? I could let someone manage my money, but shit, two pennies is always going to be two pennies, no matter who manages it. Nah, I need to take things to a drastic end...make this death mean something. I'm worth more dead than alive to my family. If my wife, who doesn't even like me at this point anyway, loses me, she'll not only get the insurance money, but also get the single income financial aid to keep our boys in school. They’ll hurt, but one day it will make sense to them. Everyone wins!

So the only question is how to do it...I'm a coward, so pain doesn't work for me. With my luck, I'll screw this up and end up a vegetable; stuck inside my own head, staring out the window at marigolds for the rest of my life. I could do the building jump thing, but that would hurt. Pills? I have to get an exact dose and make sure it’s lethal, and I’m not sure I have time for that. I've always been a fan of carbon monoxide, but today's cars are too efficient and it might not work...thanks a lot, Obama! No, the best thing to do is to make it look like an accident...that way, the kids won't think I bailed on them. Maybe I can just swerve off a bridge or something. Nah, don't want to hurt anyone else. It has to be a one car accident. So I have to make this count…

I think that's it. With new resolve, I finished writing my funeral program and will (just in case, of course) and headed to my car for one last ride. I was just about to back out of the driveway when some idiot blocked me in and jumped out of his car.

"Hey, are you Jamal Simms?" the idiot said.

"Depends on who's asking...look man, I ain't got money for the bills if you're some debt collector or something," I said.

The man laughed and replied "I'm no bill collector...I'm Xander Holloway and I represent an organization that I think you'd be interested in.". Holloway was tall with jet-black skin, slicked back hair, and dressed to the nines. Just looking at him, I'd think he was a hustler, but his voice commanded attention and conveyed sincerity. Something told me to hear out what the man had to say.

"I'm from Trading Destinies... we're a non-profit organization that relies on people like you. If you'll step into my car, I can take you to our headquarters and we can talk further," Holloway stated, gesturing towards his car.

"Hold up...people like me? You'll forgive me if I'm skeptical, right?"

"Considering what you were leaving your house to do, does it really matter? I mean, what’s the worst that could happen, you get killed?" Holloway countered.

Nevermind that he actually had a point, how did he know?

Holloway replied "as I was saying, people like you. Now if you could step this way...time is of the essence here."

I stepped into Holloway's black sedan, feeling like I was on the Men in Black set. Holloway was silent the whole route. The air smelled of lavender and he played classic jazz. I was so relaxed that I didn't realize we'd been driving for an hour. I was pretty sure I knew this area, but wasn’t sure how. We stopped in the midst of a barren field (ironically, with more marigolds) when Holloway pulled up a control panel that opened a ramp to an underground bunker. We drove down in circles until we had to be hundreds of feet below the ground where we were met by a group of folks in robes.

"This is him?" a bronze-skinned woman asked as she approached us. I guess she was the leader. "I know you have lots of questions, starting with why you're here. I'll do my best to answer them. I'm Dasia Campbell, Executive Director of Trading Destinies. Our mission is simple...we make the world a better place by trading those who no longer want to live for those who do, but are slated to die. We have to hide here because there are too many bad actors who could steal our technology and cause chaos. We were triggered to your decision and wanted to give you an opportunity to make your death count."

"Pardon my language, but what the actual fuck???? Can you read minds? Are you aliens? How would this work???". I was scared, perplexed, and intrigued all at the same time.

Holloway jumped in "I know this is a lot to process...but as we said outside of your house, this is a good thing! Instead of you dying as you wanted to anyway, we're giving you the opportunity to save a life in the process."

Dasia jumped in "there's no pressure at all. If you don't want to die anymore, you're free to go after we give you a quick mind wipe to forget us. Even if you want to go back and kill yourself anyway, that's your choice to make. Xander's brain scan of you indicated someone whose resolve was to go through with your plan, so we thought you'd be a good candidate. We just want to give you the opportunity to help achieve The Balance."

With her eyes somehow both soft and piercing, Dasia wove quite a convincing case.

"How would this work exactly?" I said, seriously considering my next move.

"In that room over there, our intake person Joy will show you the eligible people. Folks who've recently been murdered or died in accidents or disease...you name it. We will allow you to select one whose place you will take. We have a short jump time machine that will place you to the moment before the person you choose dies and you will die in their stead. No one will ever know the difference; we broadcast signals that will ensure that. Your family will learn of your death and receive the benefits, but you'll die in a way that makes you a hero." Holloway intimated.

"There are some limitations...our time machine can only travel within the last three weeks or the next three weeks. So no bringing back Prince or Malcolm X. Also, it has to be someone within a 50 mile radius...we like to keep this service local." Dasia said, matter of factly.

I was intrigued. I wanted my death to mean something, since apparently my life didn’t. But this was beyond my wildest imagination. I still had questions, but I knew what I needed to do. I asked “I know you said this would serve The Balance, but wouldn’t this mess up timelines and what not? Like, what if I take someone’s place who is about to go murder someone or something?”

Holloway interjected, “I get the apprehension. Please be assured...we have screened all the eligibles carefully. You will be helping the world. As far as messing up the timelines, we’ve been doing this for longer than you can possibly imagine. We can’t reach everyone, but please know that we’re trying to reach as many people as possible and enhance the world.”

Dasia then jumped in and said “I want to make sure that this is what you want. Are you sure you want to pursue this path? Our screening indicates that you are a good person who loves your family. There are other options other than ending this life.”

“Am I positive? Nah...but I’m not sure that anything I do going forward would have more impact than what I do here. Let’s see The List.” I said.

I went into Joy’s office where they pulled up a holographic control panel. Joy seemed like one of those folks who really enjoyed their job. They cheerfully asked “So, what are you looking for? Gender, age, etc?”

A moment of clarity...I knew exactly what type of person to ask for. “I need a single parent...one who would leave their child orphaned if they die. A kind person. Someone who is woke, but not too woke. Someone whose destiny is to put positivity into the world.”

Joy somehow looked even more excited as they pulled up a file of someone and explained “Jamal! I have the perfect person for you. They were just about to leave the Eligibility Portal because it’s been 20 days. Most folks want kids, so she got bumped along. Her name is Yetinde...24 year old mother of two kids...got hit by a drunk driver and died in the accident, leaving her kids with no one. She’s in law school and has a bright future! What do you think?”

I couldn’t have drawn it better. “She’s the one. What needs to be done now?” I asked.

Joy punched some stuff in their machine and said “We really have to move quickly now...the window closes in less than 30 minutes. It’s hard, but we can do it. Let me take you over to the Transition Room.”

We proceeded down the hallway, where all the folks I met lined both sides and applauded and cheered my name. Hell, if I everyone I met were like this, I may not be killing myself. At the end of the hallway, Holloway gently placed his hand on my shoulder and Dasia placed a necklace over my head. “This is a Bamileke shell necklace. We did some research and found that these are your people. As you transition, you will meet your ancestors...this will help you to get to know them. Are you absolutely certain you want to do this?”

Somehow, as I got closer to doing this most drastic of actions, I became more at peace with it. "I've never been more at peace with anything in my life."

Dasia nodded and patted me on the shoulder. "Okay then. We're going to take you through a brief ceremony, both as a rite of passage and as a thank you for your sacrifice. You really are improving the world today.".

The ceremony was moving and beautiful, honoring my ancestors as well as all of those who made the sacrifice before me. Xander helped me off of my knees and escorted me to the Transition Room. As I stepped into the time machine, tears filled my eyes, partially from the ceremony, but also thinking about my family. My life really did flash before my eyes and I realized that maybe it wasn't so bad after all. But now two families were depending on me making this sacrifice. As the door closed, the blackness enveloped me...but it felt like a warm embrace, not the cold I envisioned. For the first time in forever, I didn't feel alone.