Tortuous Electricity

It was just like any ordinary day in my life but, looking back, the day I met him awoke a flame in me that I am unable to put out still to this day. Some things in life you simply cannot put into words, and the particulars surrounding our first meeting can be classified as such. When I met him, when he met me, that was the beginning of a new stage of my life, a remarkably beautiful one. He was, after all, an extraordinarily beautiful person, so it is no wonder with his entrance in my life came a flood of all things good. I realize I may sound fanatical, biased, enraptured—but I am all those things, for he has come to be the epitome of love for me, the ultimate attainment of my happiness, the single person who can make me feel seventy thousand things at once.

He is the most genuine man—apart, I suppose, from my family—that I have ever met. To me, this is a trait so incredibly attractive that I continue to fall into the cyclic rhythm of realizing his nicety, acknowledging my love for it, falling for him more because of it, and realizing it again; I am to the point where my thoughts have become circles, wisps of color and texture swirling in a haze of adoration. I have been in love before, and do not suggest that I am in love just yet, but I can already tell that I would enjoy falling in love with him more than anything else in the world.

How does one know the exact moment in which they are in love? I have concluded that it is impossible but I still find myself striving for some epiphany, some shining revelation that I can pinpoint as the exact moment in which I went from one person to two. That is what love is all about, is it not? Deciding to put your happiness behind someone else’s, realizing that what you want for yourself pales in comparison to what you want for the other person? I do not pretend to be an expert, for I have only been in love once—twice, I suppose, if this is in fact me being in love with him now. I can only recognize that I have changed because of him, evolved to desire his happiness no matter the hurt it may cause me. Yes I have cried, and yes I can feel the pain in my heart, the metaphoric but very real yearning for life to work out as I want it to, but at the root of all of this is my conclusions that I want nothing more than for him to be happy, and I am delusional, either rightfully or wrongfully so, into thinking that I am in fact the ultimate key to his happiness in life. I do not know where I gathered this idea, most likely from the same heart and mind that has fallen in love so fast (if I really am in love), but I cannot deny the signs and feelings that tell me that he is meant to be in my life.

Yes, we have decided to be friends. I am so lucky and honored to have a friend like him. Really, truly, honestly—he is, as I have mentioned, a remarkable human being who sees life in much of the way I do. But how does one accomplish being just friends with someone who you are attracted to, and who is likewise attracted to you? Unfortunately, such a situation requires some backing-off, some separation from the relationship that was there when it was still filled to the brim with possibilities, potential, surprise. I fluctuate every second between whether I should reach out to him or just let life continue to pass me by. I have realized that you just do not meet people like him every day, and while I have full reign to put myself out there in other respects and for other people, I simply have no desire at this point to do any of that. He is so special to me. How do you let go of someone you have a million ties to? Let me tell you, it is no easy feat. I fear the only way to accomplish such a task is to slowly, gradually, painstakingly cut one or two ties at a time, breaking my heart and soul with every moment that draws him and me farther and farther apart.

But I have found that I cannot cut everything that ties the two of us together. Not merely because there is so much there, but further because there is still so much potential for us. Can we just be friends for the time being? Those words cause me to reach out in agony but also offer me so much hope for the future. I fear, however, that I have put so much stake into this hope and that it will only disappoint me when, if through some crueler act of karma or fate, nothing does in fact happen between us. I keep telling myself that this is impossible, that we have too much of a connection, too strong of feelings, but am I simply blinded by the hope that I hold on to so desperately? Will he in fact turn out to be no different than the countless other guys who chew me up only to spit me out? Who beat my heart for a time because maybe it’s fun or I am worth some of their efforts, but then decide I am no longer an element of promise, someone they want to love?

I love the simple thought of him. I love that and it scares me. There is no doubt that our relationship has changed this last week since we (mutually?) decided to be just friends. We both realize that we cannot continue in the way we were headed for the next step was a real relationship, something he claims he was not ready for. I do not blame him for this; how could I? I came into his life in a way and a time that he never expected and I could say the same thing for the way he came into mine. We are just on different pages about how things can progress and that is something that I have no control over. People say sometimes the right people come into your life but it is simply the wrong time and right now, this is the only mechanism I have for accepting my current situation. I fear that somehow, someway, over the course of six weeks I fell in love with a man. As I try to find my way out of the hole I have landed in, I simply cling to flat walls and cry out as dirt falls in my face and disrupts any progress I have made.

I am lost and afraid; what if he never finds me?