To Go or Not To Go?

Tossing and turning in my bed, I looked over at the alarm clock to see it read 3:20 a.m. Ugh here we go again I thought to myself. I have to get up in three hours for this big day. I knew it would come; I just hadn’t anticipated it to come so soon. I know this is why I cannot sleep for the last two weeks. And, I most certainly know that if I fall asleep, that dream will come again. I felt my eyelids get heavy as the thoughts in my head diminished to just this one dream. Before I knew it, I had drifted off to sleep.

Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! I rolled over and slammed my hand over the blazing alarm clock and sat up in bed. “What the hell?” I said aloud as I wiped my sleepy, stinging eyes thinking about the dream. My dingy UCLA shirt again a bit soaked in sweat. Why? It’s not as if this dream is scary or anything. But why in the world was it happening to me every night? I shook it off and hopped out of bed so not ready for this day.

After getting dressed in my suit and tie. I headed to the kitchen only to remember I should’ve brewed the coffee first. I’m so used to Darlene making it every morning for fifteen years, that I could just come down and make me an instant cup. I miss that. Then her voice would follow “Tom brush your teeth after your coffee, you know what the dentist said about your enamel”. I hate that she changed my routine because when we were living together, I’d come down with my teeth already brushed. She would make me go all the way back up the damn stairs to brush the coffee off my teeth. A coffee in which I had to chug hot to get away from her incessant nagging me. I’d hate to tell her that this last year I have been upkeeping with that. I have to admit my teeth are better. But also, I get to enjoy that cup of coffee in the morning. ‘This is an impossible decision’ I thought as I headed out the door only to turn around for my keys. Usually, Darlene would already be at the front door with them. I scurried around looking for them under messy tabletops and counters. Next the couch, nope. “A ha” it was next to the phone which was flashing red, so I quickly played the message and instantly heard Darlene’s voice “Hey Tom dear, remember you cannot be late for this dinner, it took me three months to book this reservation…” at this point I was mouth mocking her exact words. “Yeah yeah” I said aloud. God why does she sound so happy and excited? I still didn’t know what the heck to think or feel. I just had to get to work.

Just stepping off the elevator already I hear “Hey Thomas! Wow you look tired buddy, what’s up?” It was Donald, my longtime friend and colleague. “Hey Donald, you’re back from Thailand eh, how was it?” trying to avoid his question as we walked into my office. I knew he would rave about his vacation and all the fun he had and then end it with a ‘hey you should come next time buddy’ in a nice but empathetic, near sympathy manner. Oh, how that disgusts me the way people turn their head in sorrow and look at you like an orphan just because you’re separated. Even though I have heard much talk around here that I am divorcing and some say I am already divorced. Maybe that’s why Nancy, the giggly secretary keeps bringing me coffee and sitting on my desk around 1pm every day. I don’t consider myself a bad looking guy, but I am 42 years old and she’s got to be what…22, 23? While Donald is raving on about spicy Thai food that Pam couldn’t tolerate without popping twenty antacids, Laurie walks in and tosses a fat manila file on my desk with a smug smirk on her face. Laurie is Darlene’s close friend and unfortunately our two companies combined and for the last two years, I’ve had the painful privilege of having my failing marriage rubbed in my face three days a week. In my point of view, this meddling witch is the reason why Darlene and I are living separately. “Due by 3:00 today, and make sure you don’t show up late to dinner tonight or break her heart again okay. It took her three months…” I did my mouth mocking bit again. She walked out with a “ugh whatever”. Before I could come up with a good enough comeback, Donald interrupts “Is that tonight? Holy smack, it’s tonight, gosh a year went by so quick, didn’t it?” he asked with such interest pulling out the chair to sit in now. Oh, great I thought, we are going there. “Yeah, it was fast. Too fast.” I replied. “Well, no wonder you like a monkey’s ass, did ya get any sleep last night?” he asked. “Well, no. But that’s the thing Donald now I know this is going to sound weird but I’ve been having the same re-occurring dream for two weeks straight.” Donald leaned in to ask “nightmares?” “Well no. It’s not scary or anything but it is the same dream every night and I wake up sweaty and I feel like I lost something, you know like extreme loss. It’s like I feel heavy hearted when I wake up.” He interrupted, “well what was the dream about?” I shook my head and grimaced because I knew what I was about to say would make Donald go ahead and try to configure a divine message for me out of it. I braced myself and said “it’s me in my car at a traffic light. I’m sitting at it while it’s red, and then it turns green and suddenly I am overcome with this feeling of sadness and loss. And I know that sounds crazy right? A green light. But it has been two weeks and the same every night.” “No, no, no as a matter of a fact I think it is related to your situation. No, hear me out. Your one-year anniversary is coming up and tonight is the night you make that decision together with her if you two are going to get back together or go forth with the next step and divorce, right?” I nodded to participate, even though I have to admit I was a bit intrigued. He went on “Now what if the traffic light symbolizes your direction, or if you say yes to go… I don’t know, to make things better or the divorce, and it comes with an extreme loss.” he exclaimed. “Oh, great so what does the green light mean, yes to which one?” I eagerly asked searching his face for any hint or clue that would possibly alter my decision. But his face remained completely neutral when he responded “only you and her know that answer buddy.” He nodded his head to approve what he had just said and I felt hopeless again. No body knew what was good for me, not even me. “Look why don’t you take the rest of the day off, go home and get some real sleep before you have to go meet her. Maybe along the way, you’ll know the answer.” I was so happy to hear him say go home, but I looked down at that fat file what’s her face dropped on my desk but Donald quickly put his hand on it and said “don’t worry about it, I got it. Just go. And keep me updated huh!”

On the way home I found it ironic that I hit every red light and had to wait for each to turn green. As I thought about Donald’s words, I found myself more confused. To me, I thought the green light was about being careful while driving. What do I know? I had to ponder my decision, time was running out and I was so tired. I couldn’t wait to crash out on the couch. When I think of my wife, I think of my best friend. Like, I love her, but when we live together, I can’t stand her. But I do miss her. Just not every day. How do you make that work? Or do you? I quickly pulled into the driveway hoping the answer would come to me in my sleep. I barged through the door, took off my shoes and leapt onto the couch. I must’ve fallen asleep instantly because I don’t remember anything else.

I was awoken by my viciously vibrating phone still in my pocket. My vision blurry, I sat up trying to understand the status of everything. What day was it? What time was it? Who is calling me? I grabbed my phone to see three missed calls from Darlene. “Oh God” I instantly remembered where I was supposed to be. It was 6:30, I had a half hour to get to the other side of town. I rushed up without thought and grabbed the keys and headed straight out the door. I just might make it if I speed a little, I thought.

I was already almost there and I could feel the anxiety and tension building up inside of me. I felt like I needed to throw up. “Okay keep it together. We’ll just go with the flow and see what Darlene wants to do, yeah that’s it.” I said coaching myself. I was only two blocks away from the restaurant but I didn’t know where to park. As soon as I came to the red light, I dialed Darlene who answered quickly. She sounded like she was out of breath. “Tom I’m almost there, where are you?” she inquired. “I’m looking for parking” I answered. “Okay we only have three minutes to be there or they will give away our table, so I’m going to run, if these darn shoes will…aaah.” Her sentence ended. “Honey are you okay?” I asked. I didn’t hear anything but the car behind me beeping his horn because the light had turned green. I drove on forward and looked at my phone to see if Darlene had hung up and as soon as I looked back up, a red blur pounded my windshield and rolled to the back of my car as I hit the brakes. My heart was pounding out of my chest. “What the hell was that?” I heard the cars behind me screech to a halt. Oh my God, I thought, I just hit a person. “Darlene honey, I have to call you back.” I threw the phone onto the seat and got out of the car. I walked to the back of the car now frantic. A woman in a beautiful red laced dress lie in the road. Her tossed brunette curls covering her face. The lady was not moving. I went over to her not knowing what to say except “ma’am are you okay” and as I knelt down I caught a glimpse of a silver beaded chain necklace with a locket hanging on her shoulder. My instant thought was NO! NO GOD! NO! I moved the hair from the lifeless woman’s face to reveal my Darlene.