Tinder trauma

Man, I’m so high right now, it’s almost poetic. Is it possible I’ve hit rock bottom when not a single girl wants to swipe right on me? They’re all the same... just like my ex. Though I gotta admit, at least she was hot. A little wild, but hot. Anyway, I’m swiping right on everyone now — let fate do its thing.

I’ve had enough of feeling used. Can’t even go to the bathroom…. Long story - anyway… Let’s just say they left some lasting effects. I need to get some space from Pete. Like, ASAP.

Oho! You matched with Emily. Please, let her be that blonde with the… generous assets, so I don’t have to bring any “extra fun” to the first date. Wait, no... this isn’t her. It’s someone else. Emily, 25, lives 7km away. Glasses. Smile that’s... well.. . Owns a dog — great, more fur and mystery smells incoming. Personality bigger than her designer brands, which is saying something. Money talks now, James. Time to lower those standards.

“Heyyy, what’s up?” Nah, too basic. Delete.

“How are you?” Why do I care how she is? I’m the one that is feeling bad!

“Hey, wanna grab a drink sometime this week?” Perfect. Sent. If she says no, I’ll call her out.

Time for a nap. Water the plant. Maybe I’ll finally, you know… feel human again. Stupid Pete.

Wakes up feeling like a champ. It’s 1 PM. Not bad. Didn’t get disturbed by Pete. One Tinder message. Could it be...? Nah, don’t get your hopes up.

Emily wrote:

“Heeyyyyyy Sure! When are you free?”Wow… okay, didn’t expect that.

I reply: “How about 8 tonight, city centre?”

She replies:

“Sounds good, See you there! Don’t be late, James!”

Alright, now I have to be late. Sorry Emily, time for some cardio with a power walk. Just kidding... kind of. That was one of my classics from high school — still got it!

Now, I have to shower. Great. And Pete’s gonna complain I’m wasting water. Whatever, I’ll do a quick rinse. She might be into spontaneous romance. You never know with dog moms.

Flowers? Nah. Maybe I’ll just show up with a pack of gum and a smile. Real talk — this might be the highlight of her week. If not, at least I’ll have a new joke for my stand-up routine.