'Til The End

Present Day

My fingers trembled with each rattling breath I took. Attempting to steady myself, I clenched my fists together, digging bloody crescents into the palms of my aching hands. It seemed that no matter where I focused my vision, the only thing I could see behind my eyes was the resigned, glassy eyed stare my best friend gave me before slipping away as if she had been nothing more than a mere hallucination. She seemed to be made of glass, cracking beneath an onslaught of dark water before each fissure traveled her body and connected, shattering her entire being in one final stand. Of course, I knew better than that- after all, I had spent the better part of my life holed up in her parents house, spending every waking hour by her side.

12 Years Earlier

“Jessie, come on! We’re gonna be late.” Waving her short arms in my face, a thirteen year old Aimee grumbled from her crouched position above me. She was never late to anything, even if it was the most dreaded day of the year (for me, at least- I don’t think Aimee dreaded anything, as she was the most optimistic person I’d ever met). I slowly pulled myself out of the small pile of blankets that lay on the ground beside her bed. Everytime I came over, she made a comfy little fortress on the ground next to her, and because I was there so often, it was rarely put away. “I’m coming, I’m coming. Ugh.” I was never a morning person. In fact, there was a running joke in my family that no one could speak to me prior to ten in the morning, lest they meet a cruel and swift end by my hand.

Today was the first day of high school, and my normal nerves and dread for starting another school year were compounded by the fact that I had to navigate a brand new building with new teachers and people around me. I was never one to appreciate school all that much, as it seemed to be, in my opinion, nothing better than a glorified prison at times. Aimee seemed to pick up on my unease, as she swiftly waved a hand in front of my pinched face. “Hey, don’t worry about figuring everything out today. Nobody expects us to know our way around, so don’t stress! Besides, I’ll be in most of your classes, so if you’re nervous just follow me.” With a sly smile she darted past me and down the stairs, most likely on her way towards the kitchen. Sure enough, “You’d better hurry down here- mom made pancakes and there’s a limited number of blueberry ones!”

Present Day

The day of Aimee’s funeral it rained. The somber weather outside matched the devastated cries of friends and family members as they gathered together on the cold church pews to remember the life that had been lost a week prior. I didn’t cry. I honestly couldn’t feel much of anything, other than a chilling numbness that seemed to weigh my body down as if I was tethered to an unmovable cement block.

“-In your journey…” The final remarks made by Aimee’s brother, compounded by the sound of people gathering their belongings from where they were situated around them snapped me back to reality. My shaky hands- when had they started shaking?- quickly moved to grab my bag before I stood and attempted to leave the horrid building as fast as I could. Aimee had been there two weeks ago with me, helping set up food and decorations for a small ceremony the next week; a ceremony that she never attended. From my peripheral vision, I noticed Aimee’s parents approaching me, their faces red and blotchy. Suddenly I was back at the lake, questioning reality with a deepening sense of guilt resonating throughout my entire being. And of course I should feel that guilt. After all, I’m the reason their daughter is dead.

1 Week Ago

Some of the biggest ironies in life make themselves known in the cruelest of ways. That was the case on the day of the accident, as the sun smiled down between fluffy white clouds and the trees swayed in a light breeze as if dancing to an upbeat tune. It was one of the most beautiful days I’d seen in a while, but by the end of the night it would go down in my memory as the darkest twenty-four hours of my life.

Aimee and I met our friends at the lake that day. We planned on making the most out of the glorious weather by spending the afternoon inner tubing and hanging out in each other’s company. Our friend, Charlie, owned a small house on a lake which included a dock and a boat. In other words, it was the perfect place to meet up and have fun on a warm summer day.

“You guys are finally here! C’mon, we’re about to go inner tubing.” With a tug at our arms, Charlie navigated both Aimee and myself onto his boat, ushering us towards the rest of the group, before all but running to the control center and maneuvering the small machine out towards the open blue waters.

One thing that must be said about Charlie is that he’s a daredevil- always has been and probably always will be. He’s never cared about the consequences of his actions, no matter if someone else may be affected by those very same consequences. As such, it was expected that he would be pushing the speed of his small boat to its maximum threshold as we took turns following behind on the inner tube. We cycled around, giving two people at a time a chance on the tube. It was on our third trip around the lake that things took a drastic turn for the worse. Both Aimee and myself climbed onto the inner tube and attempted to find purchase as Charlie began to gain speed. The wind whipped my hair into my face, giving me sharp burns across my reddened cheeks. I looked over at Aimee and nearly fell over in laughter at the goofy expression etched onto her face. From up ahead I heard someone shouting, but didn’t think much of it as the wind diminished my hearing greatly. However, when the shouting grew louder I began to feel a twinge of concern.

“-Fast! Why are-...too fast!” All I could hear were the disjointed, panicked voices of my friends on the boat shouting at Charlie (at least, I assumed it was Charlie). Suddenly, my fingers slipped from their position on the inner tube and I felt myself jolt towards the water. I was immediately engulfed by the depths, swallowing a large amount of water as I gasped at the sudden sensation of the cold liquid shocking my system. My thoughts were disjointed and my body wouldn’t cooperate with what my mind wanted it to do. As if struck by a jolt of lightning, I realized that I couldn't get myself to reach the surface of the water that I seemed to sink deeper and deeper into by the second. Flailing and inhaling water as I panicked, my sluggish brain seemed to grasp the terrifying reality of the situation. I was going to die here.

Suddenly, I felt something grab my shoulders, pulling me upwards until I found myself taking a small breath of fresh, clear air before once again falling back into the dark. Something was grasping me and I latched onto whatever it was that was keeping me afloat while at the same time dragging my back down. There was a quick struggle with this unknown foe- or was it there to help me?- before I was once again by myself in the water, barely keeping myself afloat.

“Help! Oh my- help!” I woke up to the sound of terrified, panicked voices above me. Groaning and weakly shielding my eyes from the sun that glared down upon me, I slowly began to sit up. As the fog began to clear from my brain, I realized what had just occurred. I had nearly drowned. But I quickly became aware of a single observation. Even though I had been saved, the sound of hysteric, disfigured voices shouting and screaming continued as if something truly terrible had happened- something that they were too late to prevent.

“What happened? Why are you screaming!?” Immediately, multiple heads turned in my direction. Taking note of my surroundings, I realized that everyone was accounted for except for one person. “Where’s Aimee?” My friend’s faces drained of color, and a couple of them started to sob. “Charlie was going way too fast- we were telling him to slow down when we realized that you had fallen off of the inner tube. I think you got a concussion when you hit the water, and when you failed to surface, Aimee went in after you. But when we circled around to pick you both up, Aimee was gone and you were just barely holding your head above the water.” The next couple minutes were spent calling out for Aimee, hoping beyond all measure that she was okay- that she was just messing with us. But, of course, that hope never measured up and Aimee never resurfaced.

We notified the authorities of what had happened as soon as we got back to town, and they found my best friend’s body the next day. I hardly believed the situation to be true, as it felt more like a nightmare than anything else. I’d gone through my life thinking that bad things happen to other people- never to me. Yet here I was, alone in my bedroom, realizing that I had accidentally drowned my best friend.

Present

Try as I might, I couldn’t seem to escape Aimee’s parents as I attempted to leave the funeral undetected. “Jessie, wait!” Turning around in a slow movement, I made eye contact with them. “I was just leaving. I know you probably don’t want me here, but I needed to say goodbye to her.” With that said, I turned back around and began the long trek back to my car. “Just hold on a second! We wanted you to know that we don’t blame you for what happened. You were in danger and she saved you. What happened after that isn’t your fault. You’ll always be a daughter to us, and you’ll always be welcome in our home. We love you Jessie.” Swiping my hand towards my eyes, I realized that I’d started crying. It seemed like everything that had been bottled up inside me over the past week, keeping me numb to feeling any emotion over what had happened, broke into a million pieces with those deeply meaningful, yet simple, words. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”