Three Villains

I peered through the keyhole and saw three villains standing on my front porch. Each one looked meaner than the next. The third villain was perhaps the meanest villain I had ever seen. So mean, his mother probably didn’t even like him. Although she claimed she did.

Mothers are like that; no matter how ornery and nasty the child is, society demands that they love their offspring. So they will say things like, “Isn’t Johnny the sweetest little angel?” While the rest of the world screams, “No. He’s not.”

Back to the villains, in a situation such as this, the fight-or-flight response kicks in. Now, usually, I’m all about flight. Unfortunately, they had caught me early in the morning, and I was still wearing my bunny slippers. The chance of escape was slim. So I opened the door and said, “Top of the day to you, gentlemen.”

My plan was to play it cool. Nothing unusual; I deal with villains all the time, so they might as well move on. It was a deeply flawed plan.

The third villain grabbed me and said, “The Big Cheese wants to see you.”

His halitosis made my eyes water, and I did the only thing I could. I said, “Care for a Tic Tac?”

It was at that point that all three villains beat the crap out of me. I’m pretty sure I got a few good punches in, but it was hard to tell with all the blood running down my face. The villains threw me in the back of the car and headed for the Big Cheese’s headquarters.

I was in no hurry to see the Big Cheese, who was the local super villain. His primary goal was to create mayhem throughout Gotham. Yes, our city was named Gotham, but not that Gotham; no caped crusader was going to save me.

I was planning to jump out at the first red light, but luck was not kind to me that morning, 5 straight green lights. One of them was a yellow light, but the villain driving sped up to make it before it turned red. I explained the regulations involving yellow lights, but they didn’t care. Villains are like that, no respect for traffic laws.

Next thing you know, we were at the Mouse House, which is what the Big Cheese calls his headquarters. It was a modest five-story office building with a Denny’s across the street.

I offered to buy them breakfast, figuring I could excuse myself to use the bathroom and escape. But on the drive over to get me, they had stopped and gotten Happy Meals from McDonald’s. I didn’t think McDonald’s offered Happy Meals for breakfast, but I guess if you’re a villain, you make your own rules.

The three villains dragged me to the Big Cheese’s office and tossed me in front of him. The Big Cheese looked at me with total contempt, “So you think you can steal from me, borrow money, and not pay me back.”

The second villain interrupted, “He is not the one who owes you money. That is your 2 o’clock. He is the one who threatened you, said if he ever saw you, he would, and I quote, Cut the Cheese.”

Hearing the phrase “Cut the Cheese,” the first villain smiled and laughed under his breath.

“Cut the Cheese,” The Big Cheese said, “You think you have what it takes to cut the Cheese.”

The first villain, hearing his boss say, “Cut the Cheese,” started laughing harder. It was a nervous laugh, the type that once you start, you cannot stop.

The Big Cheese glared at the first villain. “What’s so funny?”

But the first villain was now doubled over with laughter. He could not answer. The second villain informed the Big Cheese that “Cut the Cheese” was slang for flatulence.

The Big Cheese didn’t get to be the Big Cheese by letting people laugh at him. He ordered the first villain to stop laughing, but to no avail. Growing tired of hearing the laughter, he looked at the second villain and said, “Shoot him.”

The second villain took out his revolver and put a bullet between the first villain’s eyes.

“Okay, back to business,” the Big Cheese said. “What were we planning to do with him?”

The third villain spoke up, “We were to beat the crap out of him, then drag him here, so you could scare the shit out of him.”

“I see you guys did an excellent job of beating the crap out of him.” He looked at me and asked, “Are you scared shitless?”

“Oh, yes sir, no crap or shit left in me. Why I could get a colonoscopy with no prep at all.”

“Good, now get out of here and take that dead body with you. I don’t want it stinking up the place.”

I was flabbergasted. This was the first time anyone had gifted me a dead body. For Christmas, I had gotten a set of plastic soldiers, and sometimes I pretended they were in a battle and got shot, but this was different. “Me? What am I going to do with it?”

“Don’t know, don’t care, but if you don’t get it out of here right now, there are going to be two dead bodies.”

As I dragged the body down the street, I headed for the morgue. I would drop the body on the front steps, ring the doorbell, and run. The plan would have worked, except there was no doorbell.

I thought about dragging the body home, but I knew my wife would not like it. I once brought home a puppy, and she was mad at me for a week. Although later she would name the puppy Spot. They are now inseparable.

A stranger was walking by, so I asked if he would watch the body for a few minutes.

“This is highly irregular,” the stranger said. “Why is he grinning?”

“He was laughing when he got shot. I’m sure the mortician can change it into a faint smile.”

“I would hope so.”

“Anyway, as you can see, I’m still in my bedclothes. I need to run home and change. Can’t be dropping off a body looking like this.”

“No, I suppose not,” the stranger said. “Why do you have a dead body, anyway?”

“Oh, there were these villains, and they had already had breakfast; it’s a long story.”

I then hightailed it home. I’m sure he will figure out I’m not coming back.

When I got home, I could see my wife was upset. I had a black eye, several cuts, and bruises all over my body.

“Are those the slippers I got you for your birthday?” she asked.

She knew they were. It was a rhetorical question.

“Yes, and have I told you how much I like them.”

“Hard to tell since you got blood on them.”

I could tell she was going to be mad for several hours, so it was no use explaining what happened. Plus, I had bigger worries. The Big Cheese might decide to come after me again. I needed to come up with a plan to deal with him.

I decided the best way to deal with one super villain was to pit him against a second super villain. It just so happened that Little Wiener was in town and eyeing Big Cheese’s territory.

I told Alexa to order one block of Swiss cheese and deliver it to Little Wiener. He would get it and think Big Cheese was sending a message, that he was going to fill him with holes. I then told Alexa to send a box of cocktail wieners to Big Cheese. Big Cheese would think this was a message saying Little Wiener was taking over.

It worked perfectly. The next morning’s headlines read, “Super Villains Eliminate Each Other.”

Proud of myself, I decided to become a superhero crime fighter. I asked my wife if I could order a cape. She said no; I had already spent too much money on Swiss cheese and cocktail wieners.

Cape or no cape, I decided to take on the next super villain, Medium Rare.