This Is Not a Drill

Attention valued Mermaid Cruise Line passengers. Thank you all for returning to your staterooms as requested while we address some minor inconveniences. In a moment, we will be magnetically locking all staterooms and turning off all power except for emergency lights. If you are in an external room, please open the porthole ventilation above your windows. If you are in the center of the ship, we will be activating the manual ventilation ports between staterooms.

“Oh sure. Leave the cheap rooms in the dark. Of course the rich people get to keep the daylight.”

“Bro. Chill. It’s gonna be sunset in an hour. They’ll be in the dark like the rest of us.”

“You can hear me?”

“Yeah. They opened the vents between the rooms. I don’t think they’re soundproof anymore.”

“They weren’t so soundproof to begin with. Were you one of the people banging against my wall the last few nights?”

“No, that was us. Sorry, we didn’t know it was so loud. We’re on our honeymoon and it’s our first time on a cruise ship.”

“Hey, congrats! Good for you guys!”

“Yeah. Mazel. But maybe set yourselves a curfew of midnight or one tonight? Some of us came here for rest.”

“Oh my god. I’m so embarrassed. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s okay, honey. These guys understand, I’m sure.”

“All good, lady. I’m just a grumpy old man. You go ahead and keep banging on my wall. I don’t mean anything by it. I’ll just use the complimentary earplugs in the bathroom.”

“Oh- bathrooms! Do those work while the power’s out?”

“Hold tight, honeymooners, I’ll check mine.”

“Thank you, um, what’s your name?”

“Cole. Be right back.”

“Thanks, Cole. I’m Helen and this is my husband, Brent.”

“Flushing works, Helen- it’s a vacuum pump so it seems to be okay. Sink works, too. What’s your name, grumpy old man?”

“I’m Ed.”

“Have you guys been on a lot of cruises? Is this kind of thing normal?”

“This is my second cruise, Brent. This hasn’t happened to me before.”

“My wife used to love these things. We went on a cruise every January. I haven’t been back in ten years. But I’ve never seen this kind of a drill before.”

“Why’d you stop?”

“She got sick.”

“Oh no. I’m so sorry.”

“S’okay, lady. She’s been gone a long time.”

“You must have loved it too, to come back?”

“My kids sent me out here- they’re sick of me never leaving the apartment. Beats a senior center, I guess.”

“Why didn’t they come with you?”

“Alice- my wife- was the one who got along with them best. I thought we were all close, but I guess she was the only reason they came around.”

“Did you ask them to come?”

“Nah. They’d do it if they wanted to. I come from a generation where you don’t beg for crap like that.”

“Well, I’m sorry anyway. When we get out of here, maybe you can join us at dinner, Ed. We’d love to adopt you while you’re here.”

“Thanks lady.”

“Helen, please.”

“Thanks Helen.”

Attention valued Mermaid Cruise Line passengers. Thank you all for your patience while we address some minor inconveniences. We know that it has been over an hour, but we must request that you continue to be patient. At this time, we have no new information for you regarding when our activities will resume. If you hear our staff walking through the hallways, please refrain from yelling and banging on your doors. The work they are completing requires concentration. Thank you for your understanding.

“What the hell is going on out there?”

“No idea.”

“Have any of you actually heard anyone in the hallway?”

“Maybe. I thought I heard jingling about fifteen minutes ago, like a tool bag or something.”

“Do you think we’re sinking?”

“Nah- we’d all be up on deck with our life jackets waiting to board a lifeboat.”

“Maybe we don’t have enough lifeboats. They’ve locked the poor people downstairs again. Just like Titanic.”

“Seriously, Ed. Stop. You’re scaring Helen.”

“Sorry, honeymoon boy.”

“Ha! Like I scare that easily.“

“Yeah, okay. Helen’s an EMT. She’s not scared of much. Gets called in after gunfire and stabbings and domestic stuff. Saves a lot of lives.”

“And Brent is in finance underwriting. Mortgages.”

“Yeah, I’m scared of everything. Especially foreclosures.”

“Maybe there’s something in the news about what’s happening? Did anybody pay for the Wi-Fi plan?”

“Not us.”

“I have a flip phone.”

“Damn.”

“If they won’t tell us over the intercom, they’ve probably turned off the Wi-Fi. Maybe even when the power went down.”

“Good point.”

“Does it feel like we’re slowing down? These things don’t rock much, but something seems different.”

“Yeah, maybe.”

“Could be.”

“Was that a bang? Like a gunshot? Or a backfire? Do ship engines backfire?”

“No idea. But we’re pretty far from where the engines are. And they scan our stuff pretty closely- it’d be hard to get a gun on this ship.”

“Security has them. I saw them on their belts.”

“Are those real? I thought they were for show.”

“No idea. Maybe they’re stun guns? Or tranquilizers?”

“Doubt that. Can you imagine the lawsuits if someone dies of an allergic reaction to tranquilizers?”

“No worse than getting shot on board.”

Attention valued Mermaid Cruise Line passengers. We are looking for some individuals with advanced medical experience. If this describes you, please twist the courtesy sign on your stateroom door so it reads “Clean Room Immediately” We will be coming by to collect a few qualified individuals to assist in a minor inconvenience. Thank you again for your patience as we continue to address these issues. Please note that we will be issuing enough cruise points to allow all passengers on this ship to book a future sailing on us as a sign of our gratitude for your continued cooperation.

“What the hell is happening? Medical staff?”

“Guess I’m gonna find out.”

“Helen, no!”

“Sorry honey. I’d rather be of use than stuck down here. Even with my new husband. If we’re lucky, it’ll be quick and I can come back with some intel.”

“They may not want you, they might just be looking for doctors.”

“If there are doctors on board, there’s a good chance that the last time they stabilized a person in trauma was during their ER rotation in medical school. There’s a lot that doctors can do, but first responders have done it all and they probably did it just last week.”

“That’s a hell of a woman you married, Brent!”

“Tell me about it, Cole.”

“Excuse me sir and madam. Thank you for volunteering to assist us. Can you please let us know what kind of advanced medical experience you have?”

“I am an EMT.”

“Perfect, Ma’am. If you stand back, I will temporarily disengage your magnetic lock. If you will please follow me, I will show you to where we need assistance.”

“Can I come with her? I can hold towels or something.”

“That is not necessary, sir. It will help us the most if you can please stay in your room and wait for further instructions.”

“Alright, fine. Please make sure she is safe.”

“Of course, sir.”

“You okay, Brent?”

“Yeah. She works these crazy hours in these rathole neighborhoods at home. I just thought it would be different here. Plus, I have no idea what’s going on in this place. At least when she’s driving the ambulance I have some clue.”

“We can try to guess.”

“Alright, it will pass the time, at least.”

“So maybe there’s a kid missing? Like a kidnapping? They’d keep everyone in the rooms and come knocking at each one, right? Maybe they didn’t get to our floor yet?”

“That’s possible. So if we hear people knocking, that’s a good sign that you might be right, Cole.”

“We might have heard a bang. Maybe it is something with mechanical or electrical systems. Maybe they turned us into prisoners so we don’t get electrocuted?”

“Good thought, Ed. That would also explain why Helen was called away. If someone was electrocuted. Or burned. There could be a fire.”

“If there was a fire, they wouldn’t lock us in our rooms. We would need to get out.”

“Yeah. True.”

“What if there is a shooter? A security guard lost his gun or got fed up with entitled guests, maybe? Decided to take things into his own hands?”

“They would tell us something, you’d think. Like to keep our doors locked and hide? Or stay quiet?”

“Yeah, maybe. But they wouldn’t want to cause a panic.”

“This isn’t helping to think that Helen’s out there with a shooter. Even if she is treating people’s gunshot wounds.”

“Okay, fine. We’ll change the subject. Who’s your team, Brent? What’s your sport?”

Attention valued Mermaid Cruise Line passengers. We are again seeking help from some of our passengers on board. If you speak any regional dialects from this area, please twist the courtesy sign on your stateroom door so it reads “Clean Room Immediately.”

“Translators? Why?”

“I don’t know. Someone’s sick and can’t communicate? Pirates have boarded?”

“Shit. Pirates would explain a lot.”

“If I can, I’ll let you know.”

“You speak island, Cole?”

“You don’t have an accent.”

“You lose it fast in Davenport, Iowa.”

“Guess so.”

“Hello, sir. Can you please let us know what languages you speak?”

“Yes, ma’am. My parents are Haitian and Dominican. I grew up speaking Haitian creole, French and Spanish at home.”

“Thank you, sir. I will now disengage your magnetic lock. Please follow me and I will show you where you are needed.”

“Later, guys. I’ll try and keep an eye out for Helen. What does she look like?”

“Five feet and nothing. Red, curly hair. Thirties.”

“Roger that.”

“Bye, Cole.”

“Brent?”

“Yeah?”

“She’s fine up there.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“But it sucks waiting to find that out.”

“Yeah.”

“I was in ‘Nam, you know.”

“Yeah?”

“I was with the tunnel rats. Mostly I was too big to go down in the holes myself, but I used to relay info back to command when we found a nest. I’d have to ready air support in case they found a nest, keep gas masks ready and sit for hours sometimes to wait to see if my buddies were going to come back out alive.”

“Shit.”

“Yeah.”

“This reminds me of it, though. Waiting and waiting and not knowing if you’re safe, or even why you might not be. The people doing the scary, front line stuff don’t always understand what it’s like to be the ones waiting for them to come back. It’s hell.”

“Ed?”

“Yeah?”

“When you get home, you should reach out to your kids again. They’d be really lucky to know you better.”

“Thanks, Brent.”

Attention valued Mermaid Cruise Line passengers-

“What the hell? That’s a different voice!”

We would like to inform you that there will be some changes made for the remainder of this cruise. In a moment, we will be unlatching all of the doors to your rooms. However, the power will remain off. Please bring the life preservers that you used in the boarding drill briefing. If you were recruited as a volunteer, we will provide life preservers. You don’t need to return to your stateroom. When you arrive at your assigned drill station, someone will be on hand to explain what you need to know.

”Hallelujah! Or maybe, holy shit!”

“Nice talking to you, Ed. It’ll be nice to see you here in a bit.”

“Sure thing, kid.”

Please note, passengers, that it is of the utmost importance that you remain silent as you walk to the station. Your safety and that of the crew depend on it. Locks are disengaging now.