They Swim in the Stars

Dear Mother,

I didn’t mean to kill them, not really. It wasn’t my idea. It was the clouds. Mother, you have to believe me. I don’t know if you are getting my letters, but I need you to continue reading; you have to know it all. I could be telling you all of this now because of my guilt, maybe it’s the fact that my hair is coming out in clumps, or maybe I’m telling you now because of the stress rash I get on my stomach when I dwell over it for too long in one night. Maybe it’s paranoia. I look over my shoulder more times in one minute than anybody should in their entire life. The clouds, Mother, they were so loud, so convincing. They might kill me now, they’ve gone silent. We can convince them to take the both of us, I know we can. I’m getting off topic.

The phrase wired into my age now, twenty years later, is, “you got away with it”. At ten, I didn’t know what the clouds wanted, I still don’t, but I threw that ball into the street. It was Jimmy’s favorite. Bright blue and stripes layering over each other. I found the ball in the ditch the day after it happened, only then it was stained a dark red.

I don’t know if the hospital is going to give this to you, if they get the chance, who knows, but they will send somebody to arrest me. I want you to know that I love you. Everyday I regret what I did, but if only you had loved me like you did them. You used to hold me in the night when it scared me. Night and day, you would be there, but then I grew up for you. I was your oldest, and now I am your only. You still don’t care, do you? The pain was too much to bear, and now you’re in a looney bin being fed pudding on the daily; I knew when you snapped on that quiet October morning during breakfast that you would never be able to love me as much. When you shattered that plate, I could feel the sky ripple with scattered fish, and I could see as they went to the clouds for protection.

You had been working a lot back then since Dad lost his job, and by the time you got home, we would all be in bed. I’d be woken up by the attention you’d be giving Dad in your bedroom under the covers, and then Jimmy would wake up crying from a nightmare. I would be in my room, alone, as everybody else was shown love. I’d sniffle into my pillow for a while, and then find myself crawling over to my window. There, the watery sky would greet me, I would laugh with the fish that jumped through the stars, and they would tell me they loved me. The sun rose to greet my red eyes, and I would have to wait until night fell again to see them. You would act as if nothing happened, as if you hadn't forgotten me. I was your child too.

You were at work, Dad was home, and so was Jimmy. The day was normal: Jimmy kept asking when you would be getting back, and Dad was saying your name over and over again when I walked into your bedroom. His voice was husky as he said your name, deeper than usual. He covered himself with the blankets rather quickly. He told me to go play with my brother, he told me that you would be home soon and I could bug you instead, but he knew I wouldn’t be able to. He knew you would go straight to him, then to Jimmy when he had a nightmare. He wanted to trick me. I suggested we all play together, and that is how we got to the yard. We were throwing the ball back and forth like they weren’t ready to steal you away from me the moment you got home. I was your child too.

Dad threw me the ball, I caught it, and we all cheered. I remember staring at it for a moment, it was my way to freedom. From the pain that you caused me, I could escape. I wanted to fly away like a Morpho butterfly. The same color of wings as the ball. It was a sign, Mother, and they agreed with me. Through the rays of sunlight, orange fish could be seen. Dad and Jimmy wouldn’t have believed me if I told them, but they were there. They jumped through rings of fire and called to me. The clouds begged for my love. The ball flew through the air. It went right over the gate and into the road: Jimmy ran as fast as his little legs would carry him. It wasn’t until he got the gate unlocked did the truck come around the corner. Dad screamed, the huskiness in his voice gone, and kicked up grass with his running.

I didn’t know what to expect of the human body when it came into contact with a speeding vehicle, but when Dad reached Jimmy and pulled him into his chest, their bodies kind of melded into the truck’s grill. To the truck, they were water, and as I grew up and walked through this world on my own, I realized I wasn’t too far off. Too much water can kill you, not enough water will kill you, we unleash it from our eyes when the world becomes too much, and when the truck touched the both of them, that is what they became. Red engulfed the highway, the yellow stripes disappeared completely with their blood. I screamed so much my throat never recovered. When the doctors told me I would never speak again, I was okay with it, but when you arrived home and found me on the front step with my hands wrapped around my legs, my teeth reddening, and my body rocking back and forth, what were you thinking? Your face was quite passive. For months, you held the same expression. It wasn’t until you snapped I knew you felt anything. You still had me, but it wasn’t enough for you.

The clouds were so loud. I just wanted to be with the fish in the sky, they told me they’d love me. While all of you laughed into the night, I would bear my eyes to the sky. I would reach up to touch the rippling stars, and my fingers would come away wet. They wanted me, Mother. Unlike all of you. I could have been loved. I will be loved. This can die with us. We can be with the fish together, they are so pretty. By the time this letter is delivered, I will be in the hospital. I will be with you, and it can be just like the old times. We will see the ocean together, the fish that swim through the clouds, they are going to love you.

Sincerely,

Your Loving Son