There's No Time to Be Speechless

I've watched Carmine and Nica intertwine fingers so tightly it's as if they were laced together, hug in each other's closeness as if they thought nothing of anything else, and kiss so longingly after each other's lips left for a breath, that when the director called the crew in for a break, I couldn't say I wasn't glad.

It's not that I wanted to go control-freak on him. In fact, the world they were building was based on a piece of paper, and our story, - all the words Carmine had told me before we entered this place - it was from scratch. He was handing me a personal piece of his heart one by one. She couldn't say that. We are in no way, the same and I have the upper hand.

I never expected I could say that about myself when my name was up against Nica of all people.

In the past, I'd watch scenes like this with happiness, shipping them with full on joy that I wished I could push them together myself, but the table turns when you're part of that competition. The thing is, it wasn't that deep. Before it was a positive preference, and now it's not. An opinion is allowed.

I headed off to the break room, taking my spot in the corner to be the least noticed by other people, as it started to fill in. I watched Nica come in and choose the center seat, her long locks falling down her back, like some shampoo commercial every time she turned her head. I've been trying to maintain my hair and it'd hasn't gotten that nice, but I didn't have time to be so in awe. Who I wanted to see, I couldn't find.

I wondered what seat Carmine could've chosen, and naturally I began to look for him among the many people in the room. I scanned from left to right, and right to left multiple times where I didn't get any glimpse. Instead, I caught sight of somebody else, who I've seen around but never bothered to introduce myself to. He had his eyes back on me too, his eyebrows crossed, and a finger pointing directly at me. My stomach twisted into knots. What the heck did he notice?

"You? Where have I seen you?" He mouthed so clearly I could read his lips from a far. I breathed quicker than I usually did, it could make my head disconnect from my neck if I didn't find a way to stop it. My whole body was a robot on malfunction. He, on the other hand, had a change in expression, one of realization, like a light bulb turned on in his skull, and on my side, it made everything worse. "Oh! Anonymous girl! I could recognize the mask and eye make up combo anywhere!"

The man stood up, throwing his chair behind him with the back of his legs, his hands firm against the table. The movement put about everyone's attention on him, and he wouldn't look anywhere else besides me, which made them shift eyes between the two of us. "Is it true that you're Carmine Jung's girlfriend? A blogger has your pictures at the mall up on the Internet. They were trending on Twitter-."

"Uhm," I searched again for Carmine's eyes, this time with more urgency. I found him quicker with the rude awakening the topic was for him and how I was the one that had to handle it - he felt bad to drag me into it. I hated being involved in it too, but I couldn't hate him if it meant my life. Doesn't it suck being an actor and having to feel the world has to know everything about you when the truth is they don't deserve to be that entitled?

I kept in mind those times that he talked about how my life needed to be a secret while his couldn't ever turn back to be that way, and debated on basing my response on it. I kept in mind how Connie said that he'd be under fire for saying something like that, and how he took the fall for me.

I decided to deny it. "No. I'm not his girlfriend. I'm-." The question-boy's eyes were staring into mine, and he never went for a break, as if his eyes were taped forward. A few in the crowd were pulling out their phones to catch what I was gonna say, all while I didn't know either. My chest was heavy like I was the sole foundation for the Tower of Babel if it were completed and this time, God didn't intervene to pull me out from underneath. This is all me and I was in too deep to back out.

"I really am just a lucky fan. Our parents were friends, so that's why when we heard Carmine will he back in the US, we decided to meet. But that doesn't change that I'm a fan and he's an actor. He was protecting me because I'm not used to the world of fame and was suddenly bombarded by paparazzi, so please don't give him any trouble."

Carmine was low-key shocked that I was able to choke out a reply, but he seemed more relieved that I did manage to say something that could've possibly saved him from getting into more trouble, based on how fast that news was gonna travel out of the power of technology pointed at my face.

"Yeah, I've known her since childhood, but not personally, so now that we've met, I thought I should treat her kindly at least once." Carmine added his own confirmation on what I started, and I felt that he approved on where I was taking it. That didn't mean it was easy. I wish I could be the girl everyone approved of. I wasn't built into that kind of life.

I saw the entertainment industry in a new light than I used to. Before, it was home to movies, music, and artists that were in love with their work, and though it is, it's more than that too. It's a home of lies, but not for bad reason. It's a group of people that still wish to be human despite the way the world wants to cookie-cut them into the life they're "meant to have", but the same group of people everyone thinks are so fortunate and glorious. On one side they are, but everyone is in some sense. They're not meant to be put up on a pedestal. That's not appreciation. That's too far.

"Then why would you say she's your girlfriend? Why didn't you just say so from the beginning?" The question-boy wasn't going to drop it anytime soon, but continued on with the pressure. He was sitting now, but his attention wouldn't move a centimeter from Carmine and it made him antsy and restless, yet it seemed like no one caught on.

"Well, the story is kind of personal. I'm uncomfortable wi-." I've never seen him so open, that he showed off his vulnerability in front of people, but he did today, and the crowd was living for it, so deeply engaged that if the world would pause at this second they'd probably break free.

"Why ask that kind of question? Our Carmine Jung is just so talented in fan-service, isn't he?" Nica hopped up, interrupting him from going on. She pulled lightly at his upper cheeks, like some sort of child, and while she did his eye contact on me was frozen solid. Tense, strained, and rigid, he didn't move one bit. It's Nica that made up for his lack of liveliness, having double, and as devil as it makes me, I hate that look on her, at least when he's talking as she is. "There's still a lucky girl out there that will one day win his heart."

I wanted to lose it. I wanted to go wild, and go crazy right here in front of everyone, but I sat still, poised, and kept myself sane by holding on to one thing. She's wrong.

*******

"Today was a mess. If I had to live it again, I wouldn't wake up." I huffed out a big breath of air when we stepped inside Carmine's house. I finally, after every passing hour I managed to survive, was allowed to breathe, and I missed the way oxygen tasted. I didn't realize it had one, but after this chaos, it was rich in flavor and delicious.

I headed straight to the sink to wash my face, so the man resembling the role of my mother wouldn't be pissed and go on a rant with the power of thirty disappointments. He responded to me from another room, in agreement. "Yeah, you can say that again."

I pat my face dry, and followed the sound of his voice to the dining room table, where he was laying his head soundly. The stove had a pot of water on it that was far from boiling, and he was sitting to wait for it to. Feeling my presence, he sat up to look at me as I took a seat. He wanted to tease me. I already knew. "Where'd Miss Arizona Yu get such a story to tell the question askers today, hm?"

"It just came to me as I went along." I shrugged as if it were no big deal, so that he wouldn't push it as far, but the Carmine Jung not pushing something too far regardless of what I did wasn't Carmine Jung, and I knew that very well too.

I glanced at him from the corner of my eye, my chin rested in my hands, not sure where to put my expectations on what was to come. "I couldn't say I was your girlfriend," the word on the tip of my tongue almost made me bite it, "that'd cause so many problems when I had the chance to fix it."

"You're right. You handled it well. I'm thankful. That's for your own safety. But not an ounce of you wanted to tell the world, 'I'm Carmine's girlfriend. What he told the paparazzi at the mall was true.'?" He mocked my voice, as if I talked in some irritating girly manner, and I jokingly smacked him to let him know he was far off. He couldn't get away with something stupid like that.

Of course, he found it funny and he was getting away with it anyway. It became my ambition to shut that down.

"Am I your girlfriend?" I teased him with a new question instead of answering his. It's common sense that I wanted to be his. Anyone would, but him getting me to admit that was a phrase for another day. I'm not the corny type.

The look on his face went serious. It wasn't gradual, but from his laughter, he went directly to a straight face, which was exactly what I was going for. "Why wouldn't you be?"

"You never said I was."

"But-." He pressed his lips into a thin line. It wasn't something he could argue about and he knew I was right. He started dusting off his clothes to stall a slight amount of time as he debated on the tone of his voice, or how exactly he should approach it. "Arizona Yu, will you be my girlfriend?"

"No." I decided to kid around, and though he knew I was, there was a big frown of his face. His arms were crossed out in front of him as if he were lingering around until I'd give him conditions to follow to change my mind, and I toyed around with that too. "The flowers you picked this morning are in your car wilting and you expect me to hand you my heart with ease like you'll be able to take care of it. Nah, thank you, next."

"I can totally fix that though." He insisted. Carmine was joking around at this point too, throwing his jacket back on his body as he planned his trip outside to his driveway to retrieve them. "Don't make your decision so fast!"

I shook my head, laughing a silent laugh as I put the packet contents he had sitting on the counter into the boiling water. I've said that boy is something else, but he can still surprise me with the level in which he could be especially when it came to playing along. It's what made me stand here in the middle of his kitchen, stirring ramen, trying to get ahold of myself for his childish attitude probably way passed midnight, and never have I been able to do anything like that ever before.

"Back alrea-?" I opened the door when I heard a knock. I was ready to peek around it to find Carmine with that bouquet from this morning, positioned as perfect as he could get them to make them somewhat flattering, but that's not what I found.

Nica was on his front porch. Her eyes were shut, and her hands were balls of anxiety at both of her sides. She didn't seem to notice that it was a girls voice that opened the door because she was so nervous to be here, it's the only thing she could focus on. My toes curled into the bare tile. I didn't know what I should do and my body seemed to take in her nerves because it locked up a lot of my control.

"Carmine," she talked to me as if I were him, "I'm sorry to show up late like this at night. There's something that I've been meaning to say for a pretty long time and I don't even want to see your expression when I say it. I just can't go on much longer keep it to myself."

I swallowed. I was almost certain of what she'd say.

"I have feelings for you, Carmine Jung."