The Truman Reunion Steamboat Intrusion

The Trumans were a small family of six,

meeting once every year for a small family mix.

This year on a boat,

one went afloat,

and the rest, to this day, are still pricks.

“Father!” Paisley cornered him outside the bar. Afton Truman grimaced and glanced over the girl’s shoulder at the color coordinated wall of liquor that were beckoning him through the barroom doors.

“Paisley.”

“I thought mother said this was going to be a kid-free reunion. Why does Hadley have a six-year-old with her? Mom is going to freak out. I did not sign this family up for a five-day, all-inclusive, luxury steamboat weekend just to have a kid come in here and rub boogers all over the sneeze guard at the buffet.”

“Your mother gave the go ahead, Pais. The boy’s father is picking him up at the first stop tomorrow morning. She said she could handle one night of 'playing grandma' as long as he did not call her grandma.”

“If he irritates me, I’m throwing him overboard,” Paisley continued to huff something about being responsible enough to not have children at all. Afton pushed his daughter aside and mumbled something Zoey looking a little thick in the ankles. Paisley gasped and sprinted toward ship’s rail.

Afton sat at the bar; a neon blue fish lighting up his face.

“Whiskey, double, neat” he held two fingers up to the bartender.

Theo sidled up next to his father, toting an oversized army duffel bag, “where is mother?”

“Hello, Theo,” Afton drew out the o of each word, “good to see you too, son.”

“Hi dad, where is mom?”

“Your mother is dozing on the sundeck until the spa opens. You don’t need to bother her.”

Theo slapped his father on the back as he stood up, “good to see you dad.” Theo left the bar and headed for the sundeck where he found his mother lounging.

“Mother,” Theo leaned into her and whispered.

“Breath mints, Theo,” said Joanna without raising the eye mask that pulled her long auburn hair taught against her head.

Theo put a flat hand in front of his mouth and continued to whisper, “mother, they said my room isn’t ready. Am I supposed to carry my duffel around all day?”

“Your room will be ready when its ready, just leave your duffel bag with guest services and get a drink with your father. Or just leave; I have a headache. Send someone to get me when the spa opens.”

Theo flung his bag over his shoulder; nearly hitting the bartender who was delivering Ms. Truman’s order, “your vodka spritz, ma’am.”

Theo adjusted the straps on his bag and threw it over his other shoulder just in time for the boat set sail from the dock. The jerky motion made Theo stumble and he nearly toppled over his mother.

Joanna heard the rhythmic heel-click-toe-tap pattern of what she could only believe was her youngest daughter, Zoey, “youngest child, I was just about to doze off.”

“How did you know it was me?”

“How high are your heels today?”

“Mom, did someone tell Paisley I’m pregnant? She basically called me fat and then started fighting with Hadley. Now they are really getting into it over your grandson.”

“Zoey, do I look like boat security? Let them get it out of their system and do not let that boy call me grandma; grandmothers don’t have bodies like mine. Send someone to get me when the spa opens and don’t bother me again until I’ve had a massage,” she threw back her entire vodka spritz in one swallow and belched, never taking off her eye mask.

Zoe huffed and heel-click-taped away from her dozing mother. She walked sideways, very carefully, down the perforated steel steps of the boat until she was just outside the dining cabin. Hadley was clutching the rail while Paisley waved her hands in frantic motions.

“We all agreed these reunions were kid-free,” Paisley screamed.

“Stop saying that; it’s not like I wanted him here either. In fact, who decided on a river boat anyway. You all know… you know…” Hadley leaned over the railing and dry heaved, “…how seasick I get.”

“Wanted who, where?” Afton stumbled around the corner.

“He’s never been on a boat. He’s all excited to play with his grandma.”

“Don’t let her hear you call her that,” Paisley and Zoey said in unison.

“Wanted who, where?” Afton repeated, one hand against the side of the boat.

“Jesus, dad, how much did you have to drink, we’re barely off the dock,” Zoey pinched her nose into her face.

“Knox, my son,” Hadley went to put her hand on his shoulder, but he wasn’t by her side. She turned the other way and he wasn’t there either. She turned herself around in a circle.

“What’s going on,” Theo slung his duffel over both shoulders like a fat, featherless boa. The boat shuddered and he had to take a double step.

“The boy is missing,” Afton burped.

“Did any of you see where he went,” Hadley looked at her family.

“Maybe he slipped overboard and saved us all some trouble,” Paisley smirked.

Hadley’s eyes went wide, “Paisley, please help me find him. He’ll be in my room until tomorrow. I promise. Please.”

“I’ll go let yer’ mother know,” Afton slurred.

“I’ll go with him,” Paisley steadied her father by clutching his arm.

Theo went one way and Zoey the other. Hadley bent herself over the railing and wretched a stream of gooey brown liquid over the side of the boat.

Joanna had not quite fallen asleep but got a decent doze when she felt a tap on her shoulder. She cleared the sleep from her throat, “oh, is it time?”

She sat up and began to lift the mask from her face. Fingers pressed it back down in place.

“Oh, you are right, it would be best to keep it on for the migraine. Well then, lead the way.”

She stood and felt the hand press into her back and guide her forward.

“Will someone let my husband know the spa was ready? He’ll be the drunk at the bar.”

She took several steps, guided by the hand against her back, and the boat rocked back and forth.

“I think I better take off the mask. Just until we are off the sundeck,” Joanna said. She turned and lifted her mask to see a boy wearing an eye patch and bandana.

“Walk the plank, grandma!”

He poked her in the belly button with a plastic sword and she doubled over, catching the back of her knees on the sundeck railing. Her left leg locked into place while her right leg flipped out from underneath her. Then she fell overboard.

Afton was the first up to the sundeck, “looks like they finally came and gathered your mother. She’ll be happy for spa time.”

“I’m a pirate grandpa,” said Knox.

“There’s the boy,” Afton stumbled into a crouch to hug his grandson.

“You did board this vessel without permission,” Paisley said, picking the boy up.

“Yo Ho Ho!” Knox proclaimed.

The Trumans had their usual prattle,

heating up to a family time battle.

A six-year-old boy,

ruined everyone’s joy,

and grandma was pulled under the paddle.