The Trip

Content/Trigger Warning : Mature Themes (dark, sexual)

Prologue

It follows us.

We sit down to watch a movie. A drunk woman loses herself. I look at him and see the lights in his eyes go out.

I want to die.

We are amongst friends and it follows. A harmless joke turns the evening sour.

I want to hurt myself.

We are at home and it remains. Like a dark presence haunting us. In his head. In my head.

He says he has forgiven me. But will he ever forget? Will I ever?

Should I give up?

May be one final try?

***

1

“Erica, let’s plan a trip.” I declared as my sister sipped on wine one Friday evening.

“Where, the mall?” She replied dismissively, her eyes fixed on the TV.

“No! I mean an actual friggin trip! The Caribbean! You know those all-inclusive resorts I always talk about. There are some great deals going on right now.”

“Umm, I am not free next weekend.”

“Not a weekend trip, Erica! A real vacation! Let’s do a week! I really need a break.”

“Hmm…I am finishing up a project at the end of this month. We could do it then. But I don’t have any beach wear.”

My heart suddenly wrenched, looking at my sweet little sibling, my best friend. How she had suffered lately.

A messy split from her husband had forced her to donate or discard most of her stuff and move in with us in a hurry.

“Don’t worry about that. I have enough for both of us.”

She stared at me. I knew what she was thinking.

“We are not the same size anymore, Kim.” She finally said.

A rigorous post divorce lifting regimen had resulted in some impressive muscle gain. My tights barely fit her anymore.

“Don’t worry, they are all adjustable.” I said. String bikinis usually are.

“Besides who cares, you will be in the Caribbean! A lot of Europeans visit that resort.”

“I need some dresses too.”

“I have some that will fit you.”

She sipped on her wine. I knew she was coming around. This was just perfect. Everything was going to plan!

“So I will book a trip for the three of us around the end of the month. Alex has to burn some vacation as well.” I said, trembling as adrenaline hit me.

“Oh, I thought you were talking about a girls trip. Just the two of us.” Erica flicked her gaze at me and said.

I tightened my hands into a fist.

“We can’t leave Alex alone, can we? C’mon what’s the big deal?”

“It’s just that I don’t want to tag along like a stupid third wheel.”

“Are you crazy?” I exclaimed. “We never think of you as a third wheel. You know that Alex likes you. Anyway, we won’t leave you alone.”

Please! Please! Please!

“Umm. Fine. But book a separate room for me, not a suite.”

***

2

Somewhere between the ground surface and the cruising altitude, I had one of my panic attacks.

Are you really going to do it?

I wanted to rip off my seat belt, turn that big lever, and jump off.

Calm down! You have thought this through a million times already, Kim. This is the only way.

Soon I saw turquoise sea sprinkled with tiny emerald islands.

Maybe, just maybe, this will work.

We checked into the resort late afternoon, rested a bit, and headed out.

The sprawling resort campus was divided into five separate wings, each complete with dining options, bars, pools, sauna and entertainment of all sorts.

We decided to walk the beach which went on for miles, all of it the resort's private property, only open to its guests. The entire campus was secured.

Under one of the numerous thatched sun umbrellas, we sat down. There was a light drizzle in the air.

“I’ll go near the water for a bit.” Alex said dreamily and walked off. Erica and I remained silent watching the waves as the sky grew dim.

A server was roaming about the beach, trying to be as discreet as possible. He waved at us and came over with two margaritas and two glasses of amber liquid.

“Hello Senoritas. How are you doing?” He said with a thick Latin accent. “I am Roberto. Have you tried the local drink? Mamajuana?”

“What’s in it?” Erica asked.

“Oh, it’s the local rum, wine, honey and some spices. Please try it.”

“I hate rum.” Erica said.

“You have to try it. It’s the local specialty!” Roberto insisted. “If you don’t like it, I have two margaritas just in case.”

“C’mon Erica, we are on vacation!” I insisted.

“Hmm. Okay. ” Erica agreed.

I handed Roberto a five dollar bill and he went away. Mamajuana was a double shot of mostly rum. Too spicy. Immediately we sipped on our margaritas to lessen the bite.

After a few minutes, Erica lounged back into her chair, relaxing a bit. She had finally stopped complaining about that flowery beach dress, which was wet with drizzle and sticking to her body. It’s short hemline blew up higher with the surf laden breeze.

It was time. Giant butterflies from the Carboniferous era fluttered in my stomach.

I looked sadly at Alex in the distance and said, “I hope he enjoys his time here. I really do.”

Erica looked at me and then at him.

“Is he okay? He seems gloomy.” Just as I had hoped.

I sighed, palms to face, and started sobbing lightly. To this day I am not sure if I faked it, at least a little.

“What’s wrong?” Erica said, concerned, and put her hand on my back.

“Oh Erica. I did something bad. I don’t know how to say this. I…I cheated on Alex a few months ago and he found out and ever since our lives are a mess.” I blurted it all out.

“WHAT! YOU CHEATED ON HIM? I don’t believe it!”

I sobbed some more while she processed the news.

After a few minutes of silence, I said, “I have to live with this guilt for the rest of my life. That is my punishment and I accept it. But the worst part is that it’s over between us.”

“He wants a divorce?”

“Well, he says he has forgiven me. But things are not the same, Erica. There is an underlying sadness in our lives. Alex seems broken. I can’t bear to see him suffer. I have to end this. It’s probably for the best.”

“No! Don’t say that. Things will be fine. Give it time.“

I just shook my head, still sobbing.

“Man! I can’t bear to see you get divorced too.”

There was a long pause.

“What the fuck did you do Kim? Alex is such a perfect guy! Why? Why?” Erica whispered finally, almost in tears.

“I know. I ruined everything.” I sobbed. I then briefly gave her a few more details about my drunken lapse of judgement.

“Is there really no other way? Therapy?” She said, rubbing my shoulders.

“We tried.”

After another calculated pause, I added, “Well, there is one way but it's too crazy.”

“What is it? You have try everything Kim. You broke his heart! He deserves it. What is it?”

“Oh God!” This time, I was genuinely overcome with emotion after sharing my burden. I realized I was shaking.

“Okay, I will tell you. But I need a few shots first.”

***

3

I walked over to the beach-side bar and came back with two huge shots of the local drink and margaritas. We took the shots one after the other.

“So tell me, what’s the plan?” Erica seemed eager.

“Erica, this plan is a little too crazy to work out.”

“JUST TELL ME, KIM!”

“All right.” I sighed.

“Okay. So, according to all the literature our therapist provided, and research I did on my own, it seems that when a wife cheats, the marriage is as good as over… unless…”

“Unless what?”

“Unless the guy has been messing around on the side as well.”

“That’s probably not Alex.”

I nodded my head.

“Or if the guy cheats on his wife as revenge. Then in his mind, things are even.”

“But …Alex …will he do that?” She asked, focusing hard, her speech a bit slurred.

“Not on his own accord.”

Erica thought for a bit, trying to figure out where I was going with all this.

“So, you are thinking maybe you can get him to cheat on you? ”

“Yup.” I replied, looking directly at her and taking another nervous gulp of margarita, wondering how she would react.

“That is crazy.” Erica said. “Wait. So, do you want to give him a sex-pass or something?”

“No, Erica, that won’t work. It has to be someone seducing him so that he “cheats” on me. Not me “allowing” him to have sex with someone.”

“Hmm, It’s very perverse, but it makes sense. A sex-pass would be like charity.”

“Exactly.”

“Hmm. But, this is so manipulative!”

“I know, it’s horrible. Why are we even thinking about it. It's too weird and pretty much impossible to pull off, right?” I added the “we” sneakily.

Erica nodded thoughtfully and we sat in a silence. I was relieved that the talk was over.

But as the sky grew darker, the waves got bigger, crashing louder each time, making my anxiety climb again.

I saw Alex walking back.

We got up and headed over to the food court to grab a quick bite before hitting the bed.

***

4

“Ten years down the road though, would it even matter?” Erica spoke suddenly, jolting me from my drunken stupor.

“What?” I lifted my head.

Her towel had slipped to her waist in the privacy of the sauna. But even here she crossed her legs, displaying her massive hamstrings.

She was sipping mojito from an extra large insulated cup. I had Roberto fill it up for her as soon as the bar had opened at 9 am.

It was day two of our trip.

“Suppose you get Alex to cheat on you, somehow. Suppose it helps you stay together. Will it matter down the road that you manipulated him?”

I knew my sweet little sister so well. I knew she would bring it up again.

“Oh you are still thinking about that idea? It’s impossible.” I rested my head back on the wooden bench, trying to hide my trembling hands.

She took another big sip from the cup, uncrossed her legs, and leaned forward.

“Is it though? You obviously love him so much. If this is the only shot we have to save your marriage, then let’s at least think about it before we dismiss it. ”

“Hmm.”

“Alex is a pretty serious person isn’t he?” She said after a while.

“Just like you.” I replied.

"Hmm, I know, we are both a bit sensitive. When Jake was emotionally abusive with me, it hurt me bad. Getting over that took a lot of time and therapy. Eventually Alex needs to get over this as well. Maybe sleeping with another woman is the therapy he needs.”

She leaned back, placed her arms over her head, and sighed. I wondered why she worked so hard at her body when she kept it hidden all the time.

She was quiet for a while, thinking.

“Do you know that the only known purpose of life is to have sex and propagate itself?” She finally said, looking at the ceiling. “People are biologically wired to get physically attracted to other people. It’s a fact!"

I let her continue with her stream of consciousness speech.

“I think Alex needs this. He needs to have a minor slip up. A physical relationship with someone. That will make him realize that all this sadness and betrayal that he feels are just emotions. Just things created by his mind.”

I thanked all the zen masters. And Roberto.

“Seriously what is sex anyway? Two people loving each other. Making each other feel good. As long as it’s consensual, it’s a beautiful thing.” She slurred.

“Hmm.”

“The big question is, will you be okay with him having sex with someone else, Kim?“

“I am in no position to say anything. As long as it’s someone who treats him well and doesn’t try to break our marriage.” I replied.

“Yeah, true. We gotta plan it out carefully. It won’t be easy with Alex. He is not like one of those guys who go after just any ol’ pussy.”

When Erica used such language, I knew she was completely drunk.

“He once told me that he has to have a mental connection before he can get physical with anyone.” I noted.

“Oh, he’s such a sweetie.” Erica cooed. “So a stranger is out of the question then?“

“Yup. And too scary. I don’t want to risk some junkie or psychopath. And I can’t trust a stranger to keep a secret. If Alex found out that I set him up, he would flip out.”

“Hmm. Does he have any female friends or acquaintances?” She asked.

“He does, but why would any of his female friends do me such a big favor? I think it has to be one of my acquaintances, doesn't it?”

“Actually yeah, it has to be someone who is closer to you than him.“ Erica always agreed with me.

I suddenly remembered our high school days. How we discussed our crushes, our boyfriends, our dreams. My heart sank. The sweet memories of the past made me almost burst into tears.

Erica frowned then rubbed her forehead.

“Man, it's tough. Is there any girl you can think of who is close to both of you AND cares about you enough to do this AND keep it a secret for life?”

I shook my head. “No, there isn’t really anyone that close to both of us. Well, apart from you of course.” I gently tapped her shoulder.

Erica stared at me.

“Oh no no! No, Erica. I just meant you are the only one who cares about us. I didn’t mean that you should…”

She fell silent, suddenly crossing her legs, and wrapping the towel around her body again.

***

5

“Oh hello Senoritas! Having a nice time?” It was Roberto again. He was our server for the night at the resort’s Italian restaurant.

“You work long hours!” I remarked.

“Anything for my favorite guests! Haha. No no! We all do twelve hour days here Ma’am, five days on and four off.

Erica stayed silent. She had been a bit pensive all evening.

“What do you ladies say about another round of mamajuanas?” Roberto asked.

“Sure.” I replied.

“Perfect. And for the Senor?”

“Do you have a single malt scotch? I will take it on the rocks if you do.” Alex said.

“We sure do, sir. That’s a great choice. Of course, a man with two beautiful women by his arms must have great taste.” Roberto laughed and walked away.

Erica looked at me, then at Alex, and then looked away awkwardly.

I excused myself to go to the restroom.

When I came back, I saw Erica had already finished her drink and was sipping on a giant margarita drink. If I knew my sister, it meant that she was trying to forget things and cheer up.

“Hey Alex. Those ladies at the bar are checking you out so bad.” Erica said, smiling mischievously at him and then winking at me.

Alex glanced at the gaggle of four women and smiled.

“Kim, be careful. Your man is too hot for this place. Make sure some floozy doesn’t steal him from you!”

“Don’t worry, I am not that weak. I don’t slip up that bad after one drink.” Alex said icily and gulped the last of his whiskey. “Excuse me.” He said and got up to go to the restroom.

Erica was left shocked and red faced.

“What the…??” She said indignantly.

“It’s okay. I told you, things are not looking good for us. Now he will be angry with me for I don’t know how long.”

“Sorry Kim. I was just trying to, you know…”

“I know. I told you it won’t be that easy. Also, no strangers remember?”

When we had finished our meals and signed the bill, Roberto walked us out.

“Be careful. You know how to get to your room right?”

“Yup. Thanks for the meal. We will manage.” Alex said in Spanish.

“Oh you know Spanish? All right my amigo. Enjoy the night. I am sure with two beauties like these you will have a lot of fun tonight, huh? You lucky dog!” He winked at Alex and started walking away.

Alex stopped. “Hey wait a minute. You got it all wrong, my friend.” But Roberto had disappeared into the restaurant by then.

“Leave it.” I said. “Let’s just go to our rooms.”

“What did he say?” Erica asked. She did not understand Spanish at all.

“He suggested that the three of us were together. Like we were like a threesome or something.” I explained.

Erica looked at us, embarrassed, and started to walk away.

***

6

I woke up in the dark.

3 am.

Everything outside was still and quiet, like a completely different world. The obsidian ocean looked peaceful and inviting. I wished I could stay in this nocturnal world. A world without troubles.

At breakfast, Erica gasped at my bloodshot eyes.

“Are you okay?”

I sighed and nodded. Then buried my head in my palms.

“Is Alex still angry about last night?”

I composed myself and said, “I don’t know if it’s anger, I think it is contempt. He hates me, Erica.”

“No, don’t think like that.” She said gently, holding my hands. “We’ll…we’ll think of something.”

Later, the three of us were at the beach. Sun was directly overhead in the sky. Smell of surf and sunscreen filled the air. People frolicked in the sparkling blue water.

I sat looking at Alex standing in the water up to his waist. Erica held him by his arm unsteadily and then took him down with her as the next wave crashed. They laughed.

She ran back, wet all the way from her hair to her toes. Her impressive shredded frame in that black bikini attracted several glances. She stood by me and toweled off, her Adonis belt showing.

We sat in silence for a bit sipping our unending flow of drinks, thanks to Roberto. I had given him very specific instructions. Generous tips always help.

“Suppose we find someone. How do you think that girl should go about seducing Alex?” She said, slurring a bit.

“Oh. It depends on who the girl is.”

“Well, for argument's sake suppose it’s someone like me…suppose it’s me.” She said after a bit of hesitation.

We eyed each other for several seconds.

“For you, or…someone like you…it would be a bit easier since he likes you, trusts you.”

“But liking someone is different, what if he, let’s again for this example assume the girl is me, what if he doesn’t see me that way?”

“Well, it would have to be on the girl to try to seduce him like she would any other man. Show some skin, flirt a bit, find the right moment, and just take a chance. Oh and get him drunk, he has to be drunk.”

“Hmm. To get him horny huh?” Erica coughed slightly as she slurped her Mamajuana in big gulps.

“To lower his guard, to make him slip up, just like I did when I…” I trailed off.

“You are right, that will make him realize how easy it can be to slip up.” Erica agreed.

“Exactly. And all of this would probably be easier when he is in a new unfamiliar environment, where everyone is kinda carefree.”

“Like here?” Erica asked.

I looked at her.

“Like here.”

***

7

The paradise island had only one drawback- it’s fickle weather. We rushed back to our rooms after lunch and remained cooped up there all day.

It was pouring the next morning as well. Erica was in our room and getting restless. I ordered two big bottles of local rum.

Soon, we were so drunk that the kerosene flavored liquor was not even registering on our palettes anymore. We sat in a circle on our bed and kept taking shots. It helped lighten up the mood.

“Hey look, clothing optional beach is not too far. Let’s check it out when the rain stops.” Erica touched Alex on his thigh and pointed to the resort map, giggling.

“You? I didn’t expect that from you, Erica. Why?” Alex laughed and asked.

“I just want to see it once in my lifetime! Just to be able to say I’ve been to one! Why? Are you chicken?”

“Hey, I don’t care. I’ll go!” He said nonchalantly but I knew he was probably a bit uneasy on the inside.

Soon the splatter of rain gave way to tip taps.

“C’mon let’s go!” Erica said.

“It’s still raining though.” Alex said.

“Just some light sprinkling, it is not going to melt you, Alex. Kim?”

“Sorry, I have a bad headache. You guys go ahead.”

Erica and I stared at each other.

Finally she said, “C’mon Alex, I don’t want to go alone! Please!” She grabbed his arm and made a puppy face at him.

“Okay. Where is the umbrella?” He asked.

“Meh, no need. Just grab sunscreen. We will need lots of it, especially where we are going.” She giggled again, maintaining eye contact with Alex.

“Are you sure, Erica?” He said.

“Haha! You are already scared. After the nude beach, I want to explore that entire clothing optional wing. There is a pool and a play area. I want to see what’s goes on in there!” She made a mischievous face at him.

Alex looked at me.

Still grabbing his arm, Erica said, “Why are you looking at her? Hey Kim! Don’t worry, I will take care of your man. No woman will come close to him.” Then she slid in close to him drunkenly, rested her head on his shoulders and said, “Except for me, of course. Alex, you are my man for this evening. Can I have him, Kim?”

“He is all yours, Erica. I will just order in and try to sleep. You guys have fun.”

“Let’s go!” Erica yelped and yanked her dress off right in front of us. She was wearing one of my Brazilian string bikinis, leaving very little to the imagination. Alex was silent but did not look away. Funny how alcohol gets rid of our insecurities.

I watched them walk off into the rain. Erica squealed as the droplets hit her almost nude body. She grabbed his arm and jumped excitedly.

“Oh wow, look! A rainbow!” She pointed to the East.

“Wow!” Alex smiled. He had never reacted that cheerfully to anything ever since that horrible night.

“Race to the water? Let’s see who is fitter!” She yelled.

They smiled and ran.

***