The To-Do List

I opened my eyes to the sound of birds chirping outside of my window, sun pouring into my bedroom. The smell of bacon making its way up the stairs and under my door. I stretched my arms above my head, sighing heavily, as I pulled myself out of bed.

To my surprise, I felt good. And I knew it was going to be a great day.

Usually, I would pick up my phone and spend the first twenty minutes of my morning scrolling through social media. Today, that bacon was calling my name, and I knew dad had fresh coffee waiting for me.

As I trotted down the stairs, I saw mom in the kitchen, whisking away at some eggs, while dad pulled the bacon out of the pan and carefully placed it on a paper towel. Light jazz, mom's favorite, was playing from the small speaker in the corner.

I stopped and leaned on the door frame, admiring them as my dad crossed behind mom to grab another paper towel. He gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and they smiled at each other.

"Good morning," I said, clearing my throat as I slid into a bar stool.

"Morning, sweetheart. How'd you sleep?" Mom smiled as she spoke.

I'd struggled with insomnia for most of my life, so each day since being diagnosed, mom would make it part of our morning routine to ask me how I slept.

"Pretty good, actually." I smiled back, reaching for a piece of bacon.

Dad swatted at my hand. "You can wait five more minutes. Your mother is just finishing up the eggs."

I rolled my eyes dramatically and got up to grab us some drinks. "Orange juice?" They both nodded.

We all sat at the counter, eating and chatting about nothing in particular. Mom was finishing up a project at work. Dad landed another painting job. I was looking forward to summer break and all of the things Mel and I had planned.

Mel had been my best friend for thirteen years; we met when we were four. Her family moved in across the street from us, and after making direct eye contact, we became friends immediately, and our families kind of all became one big one. Mel was taller than me by about three inches, with long strawberry blonde hair and bright green eyes. She had a light sprinkling of freckles across her nose, which she hated, but I loved. I told her how pretty she was at least once a day, and she did the same for me. She had an older brother, Mitch, who was also very pretty if you ask me, and he left for college last fall.

I had never said it out loud, but I had the biggest crush on Mitch. And it's a secret I will take to the grave.

"Thanks for breakfast guys. I'm gonna go get ready to meet with Mel." I rinsed my plate off and put it in the dishwasher before heading back upstairs.

I opened Spotify on my phone and hit shuffle, letting my playlist decide what I was in the mood for, then grabbed a T-shirt and jean shorts from my dresser.

HEY! Wanna meet in 30? I hit send and waited for Mel to reply.

She was always taking forever to respond, so I braided my hair to keep it out of my face and keep the frizz under control. The Florida heat always had my hair getting wild, especially at the beach. Still no response, so I checked my social media pages: Facebook, Instagram, Tiktok. Then I switched over to my art Instagram. It was my anonymous page where I shared pieces that I had written, and sometimes photography when I was feeling extra creative. Even though no one knew it was me, except for Mel, I had managed to gain over ten thousand followers since making the account a year prior.

Yeah, 30 mins. NSB.

I slid my phone into my back pocket, grabbed my water bottle and a sweater, just in case. As I headed back downstairs, dad called my name from the living room.

"What's up? I'm just heading out to meet Mel."

He eyed me for a moment, then set his book on the side table. "Have fun, but please don't forget that we have a big family dinner tonight. Your grandparents are flying in from Kentucky." I groaned and opened my mouth to speak but he cut me off with his hand in the air. "This is non-negotiable, Stella. I know you and grandpa don't get along, but please don't be late. We're leaving the house at six." His stern look softened into a smile and I dropped my shoulders.

"Okay, I promise I will be back. At five-forty-five," I said playfully.

"Have fun, honey. Be safe!" he shouted as I headed for the front door.

"Always am! Bye, mom!"

I heard her shout from the office as the door swung closed behind me and I jogged to my beat up Toyota Camry that had been given to me for my 16th birthday. The AC was busted, the passenger side door could only be opened from the inside, and the sunroof had a leak somewhere that was highly inconvenient during random Florida thunderstorms. BUT, the stereo worked and had an AUX cord, so I had no complaints.

The drive took about 25 minutes with Saturday traffic, which wasn't nearly as bad as I expected for the first Saturday of summer break. Rather than waiting in the ridiculous lines to park on the beach, I swung into a parking spot in the lot by the Tiki Bar, which was basically on the beach anyway.

I grabbed my water bottle and sun hat from the passenger seat, then headed to the trunk to get my chair and towel. The two things I always had available during the summer, because Mel and I usually spent 80 percent of our time at one beach or another. Today, New Smyrna. Our favorite and closest to home.

Mel and I always met at the same spot - near the lifeguard stand, but far enough away that they wouldn't bother us. She was already there by the time I made it with all of my stuff.

"Hey," I said, unfolding my chair and plopping down next to her.

She looked up, startled, as if she hadn't realized I was there. "Oh, hey." Her tone of voice was dull, and she looked like a mess.

"Are you okay?" She turned her face away from me, sighing. "Mel. What's wrong?"

She turned back and I noticed she had been crying. "Yeah, I'm okay."

I scoffed and scooted my chair closer to hers. "Hey. Look at me." I gently pulled her chin to face me completely and smiled at her. "Talk to me."

Her shoulders slumped a bit and she sighed again. "It's just... I'm just..." She started fidgeting with her hands. "You know."

And I did. Mel had struggled with bipolar disorder since she was thirteen. Most days, she was okay. More than okay. She had gone to therapy, started medication, and learned several coping mechanisms and warning signs of an episode. She confided in me a lot and basically made me learn everything about the illness so that I would recognize an episode, too.

Since she was diagnosed four years ago, she had had several manic episodes, but only a handful of depressive ones. Although, the depressive ones were much harder to help her through because of the severity. I'd struggled with depression, and even my worst days were nowhere near her worst.

"Awwe, shit Mel. I'm so sorry." I wrapped her into a hug and she slumped into me, sniffling. "Do you wanna go back to my place?"

She sat up quickly, shaking her head and wiping her face on the sleeve of her T-shirt. "No, no. I needed to get out of the house. I need the fresh air and the sun. I want to make today a great day." She looked back at me and gave me a half-decent attempt at a smile.

"Okay, well..." I looked out at the waves then back at her. She followed my gaze and smiled a genuine smile. "Shall we?"

We both stripped out of our shorts and T-shirts, revealing our very bright neon bikinis - mine pink, hers orange - and ran full speed toward the ocean.

We spent about three hours in the water, splashing around, watching the cute college boys playing football, collecting shells and talking about everything. We were already planning our senior year and how we were going to get into the same college in Miami, room together, date two best friends so we could always be together.

It was a great day.

When I checked my phone, I saw the time and knew I had to get home soon if I was going to keep my promise to dad. "So, you remember I have that awful family dinner tonight?" I pouted.

"Oh, yeah. I forgot about that." She suddenly looked defeated. "Okay, well... I guess I'll see you soon."

"You can come over tonight when we get back! Wanna spend the night?"

She dug her heel into the sand and looked back at the water. "No, that's okay. I should probably spend some time with my brother." She caught my eyes widening at that and giggled. "He just got home last night."

"Okay. Then I'll see you tomorrow!" I picked up my stuff and started heading back to my car. "Love you!" I shouted back at her.

She waved and sat back down in her chair. Part of me felt guilty about having to leave her alone on a day that she was falling into a depressive episode. I always worried about her, but her brother was the second best person she could be with.

The next morning, I woke up feeling drained from the family dinner the night before. It was the usual with my grandpa - scolding me and debating my political views and choice of tentative college majors.

I hadn't heard from Mel since I left her at the beach, but I figured she would still be asleep since she wasn't in the best head space right now. I sent her a quick text to let her know I'm here for her.

Good morning best friend! Hope you're feeling better. Text me when you wake up. Love ya!

I pulled a sweater on and headed downstairs. It was oddly quiet, which felt rather ominous, seeing as my household was never quiet.

"Mom?" I walked into the kitchen. It was empty and dark. "Dad?" I walked into the living room. Dad's book was on the side table. Then I caught a glimpse of red and blue lights through the window. There was a cop car at Mel's house. Mom and dad were standing across the street with her parents.

I slid into my flip flops and headed outside in a rush, running across the street to meet my parents. "What's going on?"

Mom gasped when she saw me, immediately wrapping me in her arms. "I'm so sorry, baby." She was crying. Softly, elegantly as always.

"What do you mean? Sorry for what?" I pulled away from her and studied her face. She just shook her head. I looked at dad who was patting Mel's dad on the back, both of them looking distraught. "Mom! What is going on?" She took a shaky breath and put her hand to her mouth. "Oh my God."

I scurried around, looking for Mitch. I found him sitting on the front steps of their porch, pale and disheveled.

"Mitch!" He looked up at me with tears in his eyes. "What is going on? Where's Mel?" He stood up and wrapped me in a tight hug.

"She's gone, Stella." His shoulders were shaking. "She's gone."

Three hours later, I still sat on the top step of Mel's front porch. I hadn't cried, not a single tear. Mitch had moved to a chair behind me, sipping coffee that my mom had made shortly after the officers left.

Mel had killed herself.

I kept replaying the previous day in my head. I knew she was having a hard time. I left her on the beach alone. I didn't check in on her after my family dinner. What if all she had needed was a friend to just check in? My mind continued rambling.

"Stella?" I heard the quiet voice of Mel's mom, then felt her hand on my shoulder.

I jumped. "Oh. Sorry." I stood up and hugged her. I didn't know what else to do. She wrapped her arms around me, rubbing my back.

"Um, Mel left something for you." I froze, dropping my arms back to my sides. "The officers found this... under her pillow." She pulled a piece of paper from the pocket of her robe and held it out to me.

"I don't--" I suddenly felt unsteady on my feet. She took my hand, placed the piece of paper in my palm and closed my fingers around it, then walked me over to the chair next to Mitch. "I'm so sorry, Mrs. Hannen."

She gave a small smile and wiped the tears that were beginning to spill over, then headed back inside.

I looked at Mitch, unsure of what to do with this piece of paper. He looked back at me, then down at the paper. "Well?" He gestured with his hand for me to open it.

I was terrified. But if there's one thing I knew about Mel, it's that she never did anything half-assed or without a plan. I slowly unfolded the paper and suddenly, everything changed.

Stella's Non-Negotiable To-Do List

1. Graduate high school

2. Apply to Barry University! (and get accepted)

3. Take an astronomy class, for me

4. Keep an eye on my parents, will you?

5. Take a swim at NSB, at sunrise, with someone important to you

6. For the love of God, make some new friends

7. Go to Universal Studios and ride the Hulk roller coaster

8. Save the turtles

9. Reveal your identity on your art Instagram

10. Tell Mitch how you feel

**If you or someone you know is struggling with mental illness or suicidal thoughts, please seek help. You are not alone.**