The tale of Wenceslas

The Tale of Wenceslas

“Piss off Gingersnap!” shouted Wenceslas in blind rage. Trudging over to the handcrafted mahogany desk, Wenceslas flipped it over on its side. A horse-ish reindeer cry of defiance sounded out of Gingersnap. Undeterred, Wenceslas ran over to the corner and kicked a hole in the gingerbread house. On a rampage of aggravation, Gingersnap grunted in defiance! But to no avail. Wenceslas ran around the house punching and kicking what he could. In the midst of his stampede he was rudely and pathetically halted when his little clenched fist met the hard metal of the refrigerator. “Son of a…” Wenceslas stopped when he heard the ominous screeching of the cabin door. A terror of fear lay hold of him as he sank down to the floor.

“Wenceslas?! Are you here?”. The door closed

“Oh it’s Candy! Oh wait, Crap!” he thought to himself. As the soft footsteps of the female elf were making their echous call throughout the house, Wenceslas quickly pulled himself together. Unfortunately his eyes continued to betray utter chaos and fear.

“Wenceslas! There you are! What happened to this place? Oh my gosh are you ok?” She said in a concerned motherly tone.

“What mess?” Said Wenceslas, in the utmost bull crap.

Candy pointed to the flipped tables and damaged pictures.

“Oh that mess”.

“Wenceslas what happened?”

“Look Candy, I can't do this right now!” he said as he ran a shaking hand through his frosted hair while pacing back and forth the ginger breaded floor in his bathrobe.

“So you can’t talk to me now, but yesterday you were full of words!”

He looked up at her after taking a puff from his newly lit chocolate swizzle stick. Beads of sweat raced down his forehead.

“Look just tell me what happened to this place!”

Wenceslas continued to pace back and forth.

“It is a miracle I can hear at all; now tell me what happened”

Wenceslas looked intensely at her and perfectly communicated his fear.

“It can’t be that bad '' said Candy in a worried voice, after beholding her ex- boyfriend’s reddened eyes. “It’s bad, it’s really bad” Gingersnap nodded at Candy with eyes widened.

“Tell me.”

“I…can’t I…it’s too much! It’s so bad I can’t...”

Slap! Candy slapped him square, grabbed him by the shoulders and shouted at him! “Get it together! Now what happened?!”

In disbelief, Wenceslas looked up at her. After a moment he sighed a deeper sigh than you or I could ever manage.

(Sigh) “…it all started last night with the annual Christmas party…….we had finished talking, and you had left, things were finally going well...”

“Well gee thanks!”

“No I didn’t mean it like tha...” (Slap!) “...ow!...Anyways, the boys and I were comparing how many toys each of us had made for the year…”

(*flash back*) “I made 37,564...”

“...pfft that’s nothing I made 40,003 toys this year...”

(“With numbers like those I was confident I was the top toy maker this year! At least until Ringaling showed up!”)

“I made a total of 50,463!”

“Dang! I thought to myself, that’s just one more than me!! So I shouted in all confidence, ‘That’s a lie!’”

“Oh really!? How many did you make this year then Mr. High-and-Mighty?”

“50,462! Thank you very much!”

“So it looks like I’m the better toy maker!”

“You are not you son of a…”

Wenceslas continued his narrative...“Uh well things got intense. Now what happened next I’m not proud of, but please keep in mind, I was on my 8th cup of eggnog. I said to him: ‘Even if you did make one more toy than me, I was in the red and white division and making the most complicated toys there are!’”

“So it seems the only way we can really settle this is by an old-fashioned build-off!”

Shocked, Candy interjected, “Honey you didn’t!”

(Sniffle) “I did!”

“But at least it was just you and Ringaling that snuck into the workshop right?...right?!”

“The argument had gotten so loud that the DJ stopped the music and officially declared a build off! All the other elves were to scared to sneak in, but I was overzealous, and my own hubris was my downfall!”

“You didn’t!”

“I pretended to call the big man, and convinced all of them that I got the go-ahead. I thought, what was the big deal anyways!”

(Slap! Slap! Slap!)

“Oooohhh,” (whimper)

“You idiot!”

(Sigh….)

“Then what happened?”

“The whole party went in…me and Ringaling wasted no time. Our mission was to build an RC 4000 echo model in under twelve minutes!”

“Whoa really?”

“Yes!”

“Did you do it?”

“…We were about to…but then as I was putting on the final touches, the door flew open and a chill ran throughout the workshop...”

“No…”

“Yes!”

“He wouldn’t dare!”

“…It was him!…. All of us were suddenly frozen in blocks of ice from head to toe. I watched as he sprinkled some sort of magic from his hat all over the elves. As he did so, the blocks suddenly started sliding out of the shop and no one remembered anything... except, of cours,e for me.”

“What did he do to you?”

“Nothing! He just sat there and laughed at me!”

“That can’t have been his only reason for coming.”

“It wasn’t, and that’s the worst part of it all…he took them!”

“No!”

“Yes!”

“No!”

“Yes! The snowflake scumbag took em all! Every last present gone!...And I just sat there helpless, full of guilt and shame.”

“How did you get out?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Yeah, it kind of does!”

“No!”

“Yes!”

“No not at all!”

“Look, just tell me! You’ve already told me the whole story and I’ve sat and listened! You owe me the explanation of how you escaped being frozen in an entire block of ice!”

“Fine! I’ll tell you,” Wenceslas paused and sighed once more. “Remember how I told you I was on my 8th cup of egg nog?”

“You didn’t……..”

“Look, it was literally the only thing I was capable of, and it was warm.”

“Yuck!”

“At least warm enough to make the ice thinner and then for me to bust of there.”

“That is the grossest thing I’ve ever heard”

“I know, ok! I’m a disgusting failure and I’ve let the whole world down!”

Candy sighed… “No you haven’t! If you’re going to give me a speech about how Christmas isn’t about gifts, and that the world will celebrate regardles,s just save it ok?!”

“No not at all. Humans are far too self-centered for that kind of contentment…I’m saying you have two days until Christmas, now what are you going to do!”

“Why are you helping me?”

“This isn’t about you, this is about the whole world, dang it!”

“Candy, I’m sorry about the things I said…”

(Slap!) “Listen! It doesn’t matter the things you said! No matter how much it hurt me or how much I miss the way things were…you have bigger fish to fry, now it’s time to get up!”

It is important to note that you are hearing the story of an elf who’s truly at rock bottom; covered in his own urine, sitting in the midst of a trashed home, and having to get help standing from his former girlfriend, was both not his normal and not a sight you’d wish to see. Nonetheless, Wenceslas went up the stairs, took a good long shower and then set out to find his friends. He started at Nutmeg's house. (Knock, Knock,Knock…)

Nutmeg opened the door, wearing shades and groaning, “Aaagh stop shouting!”

“Nutmeg? What happened to you?”

“What do you think happened??”

“I think you got plastered!”

“Yeah, dummy! Some moron snuck into the big man's office and spiked the eggnog with people alcohol!”

“What, really!?”

“Ssssshhhhhh; stop shouting! Yes!”

“Well do you remember what happened last night?”

“Who could?”

“Right, got it, thanks”

“Yeah, don’t mention it!” Nutmeg crawled back into his house and gingerly shut the door.

“So if you were drunk, maybe Frosty didn’t steal the presents,” Candy said with an investigative tone. “No I remember, it definitely happened!”

“Well, maybe we should check the workshop.”

“You go! It’s too painful for me!”

Candy rushed away, and Wenceslas watched as she left. His heart was sad, full of guilt, grief, and regret. But there was no time, he trudged his way to Mr. Num Num’s house.

(Knock, knock, knock) The door squeaked open. An elf hat and eyes peered out of the frame, turned, and the door slammed shut. “Get out Wenceslas!”

(Gasp! “He knows!” thought Wenceslas.) “Look, I know I messed up! But I need your help if I’m going to fix this!! Please!”.

There was no response. Wenceslas walked away dejected. Suddenly, the door squeaked behind him once more.Wenceslas turned in disbelief.

“Fine!” Shouted an angry Mr. Num Num. “Come with me!” Wenceslas raced back to the porch. Mr. Num Num showed him to the backyard.

“Wait, Why are we out here?”

Mr. Num Num pointed and enraged finger at his hot tub. “That is why we are here.”

Inside the hot tub was not one nor two nor three, but every single one of Wenceslas’s tools from the workshop.

“What the...! Why are my tools everywhere?!”

“Because you put them there, Putz!”

“What!? I did not!”

“Oh oh yes you did!”

Suddenly out of nowhere, Candy came running in! “Wenceslas! All the gifts are still there!”

“What really!!??”

“Of course you idiots! How would Wenceslas have time to screw up that bad if he spent all night on the porch making whatever the heck he left inside!”

“What did I leave inside?”

“I don’t know, but you pointed a gun at my head and told me that if I broke it you’d shoot my arm off ,wrap it up and put it under my tree!”

“Wenceslas!”

“Yeesh! I’m sorry…”

“It’s fine! You two morons stay out here and I’ll go get what you left in my house.”

Mr. Num Num hobbled back into his house. Wenceslas stood on the back porch and sighed a sigh that you and I could never manage. (Sigh!)

“But if you were here, what actually happened last night?” asked Candy.

“I don’t know! And I don’t care! As long as I didn’t ruin Christmas!” They both laughed as the gravity of this grace hit them in full.

“Candy, thank you.”

“For what?”

“For helping me.”

“You’re welcome.”

“Candy I’m so sorry I about those things I said. I was so stupid, and this situation has finally made me realize how much I need you in my life….I don’t know what I’d do without you….I love you Candy.” “Wenceslas...”

“I know, I know what I said hurt you, and if you don’t want to take me back I would understand. But I want to make it clear how I feel about you. You are wonderful, and beautiful, you are the be…”

“Oh my gosh, get a room! Here’s your thing, now get the heck off of my property!”.

“Thank you Mr. Num Num! And I’m truly sorry for everything I’ve done.”

“Yeah, whatever! Now get off my property you putz.”

Wenceslas and Candy began walking away when Mr. Num Num shouted at them. “Wait! Hold on! I’ve got an old recipe that Mrs. Clause uses on Mr. Clause occasionally. It should clear things up for you last night.”

Mr. Num Num went in the house and came back out a moment later with a large brown bottle. Wenceslas took and drank the contents as directed by Mr. Num Num. Wenceslas coughed and spluttered.

“Do you remember anything?” asked Candy.

“No not yet…thank you Mr. Num Num.”

“Eh, don’t mention it.”

Wenceslas and Candy both began walking away. A long meaningful silence ensued as they went, Candy still having not given an answer after Wenceslas’s profession of love. They stopped by the road where Gingersnap was waiting.

“What was it that you left in the house?”

“Open it!”

Candy opened a golden box tied up with a beautiful ribbon.

(Gasp), “It’s beautiful!”

“Even drunk me cares about you.”

“What?!”

Tthe gift was for you!”

He pointed to a tag with that inscription and her name on it. Candy pulled out the most beautiful music box that played all her favorite Christmas classics.

“And I remember what happened...”

“Sssshhh, I don’t want to know what happened! Look, I don’t care what you did. I forgive you and… I love you too.”

“Really?! Even after all this!”

“Especially after this! Because even though I saw you at your worst, I got to see how you acted afterwards. And even though that too, wasn’t the greatest, I love you all the same.”

Wenceslas and Candy leaned into kiss when suddenly Gingersnap began to cough!! (Cough, cough)

“Ugh! Finally I cleared my throat! Wenceslas you love sick putz! You rode on my back after having wet yourself! You sick son of a..”

Then end