The Stanley Controversy of 2023

While I did shout "He's free now, you idiotic eel turds!" at three Seaview police officers, I think we can attribute that to the sweltering morning heat more than anything else.

I am not a thief. I'm an animal activist.

I gently, gently, lowered our local octopus, Stanley, into the sea, so he could experience real freedom. He smiled as he swam away.

What happened next was not my fault.

The police officers that dragged me away from the water's edge will attest that I screamed first.

No one could do anything as the seagull snatched Stanley from the open water and plopped him onto the aquarium's dock. Not a single one of Miss Miller's second graders did anything but cry as poor Stanley was pecked to death by that winged terror over and over again.

Only when the the seagull attempted to swallow Stanley whole did Miss Miller herself attempt to yank Stanley from the seagull's gullet, as pointless as it was by that point. While her crayon blouse was soaked with Stanley's blue blood, she should really burn that hideous blouse anyway. And how expensive can therapy really be?

Stanley was free at the end. I regret nothing.