The Stain

The Stain

I settle onto the high stool, smoothing a napkin over my lap. Behind the dividing wall, I peer through its 70's-style kitchen hatch at the dinner party gang mingling in the kitchen. Their laughter and animated chatter about "Fintech" and "RegTech”, subjects I have no understanding of, amplifies how completely out of place I feel, in my own sister's home.

But their words become a melancholy backdrop, as I am watching my sister, Ruby.

Ruby is radiant. She glides around her kitchen, weaving through her dinner guests in a dangerously low-cut red dress.

She's multi-tasking flawlessly like the star “she was born to be”.

Only I knew, an hour earlier she longed to end it all.

"Cheer up Gillian"

One of Ruby's guests is talking to me through the hatch.

Ruby twirls, her eyes lock onto mine.

"Yes, Gillian, it's a party”!

Ruby is now walking towards me, with a glass of red wine.

She is mouthing something.

"For god’s sake, Smile".

The wine glass sings an inharmonious note as it touches the hatch shelf that separates us.

As I look down to hide my inadequacy, the napkin on my lap looks back at me, reminding me, of the secret I am keeping.

"Dinner is served"

Ruby announces, balancing two plates in the palm of her hand.

The chatter from the party is moving past the dividing wall and invading the space I am occupying.

"Gillian, will you bring the rest of the food through? "

Ruby's words sound warm but feel like a command. She always gets her away, she's Mum's favorite.

I push away from the safety of the wall to get up.

"Oh damn"

The napkin plummets to the floor, and the stain from holding Ruby's hair back while she was sick, is visible like neon lights on my white jogging bottoms.

I want to run. But I freeze.

Frozen in this crouching tiger position, staring at the napkin.

The awkward teenager who never fitted in is embodying my 45-year-old body now.

"You alright Gilly"?

"Yeah, Ruby. I was thinking... I got to go".

Grabbing my bag from the floor and placing it on my stained jogging bottoms.

"No, don't go" The gang chimes at me.

"Oh no, I can't stay. Didn't know Ruby was having a party, I'm not even dressed for the occasion".

Inserting my awkward smile. I turn and take refuge in the kitchen.

Damn, Ruby

My breathless words are falling into the silent kitchen.

I place my bag on the kitchen table, and I stare at the picture-perfect dinner plates.

What is happening?

My inner dialogue isn't consoling me. I know I don't fit in, and Ruby didn't make it easy.

Why did she call me here?

Feeling like the rug has just been pulled from underneath me, I pace around to steady myself. The day's events are whirling in my head.

Were Ruby's tears an hour ago real? They must have been real.

I held her, I felt her body shaking.

I held her hair back. I washed her face.

I told her how proud, me and Mum are of her.

I told her how much I always wished I was her! But she already knew that.

I cried on the bathroom floor with her.

Was that it? She needed my admiration.

Needed me on the floor.

Crying with her.

And here I am, still crying on the floor inside.

And Ruby, in there, starring as Nigella in her own TV show.

I’ve got to get out of here.

I'm drowning.

I'll serve these then I'll go.

Swiftly, I'm searching the cupboards.

I know it's here; it must be here.

Yes! the silver serving tray.

Pulling it out.

I halt.

Its dented wound halts me, a flash from decades ago now invades my sight.

Ruby and I fighting over who would serve Mum her breakfast in bed. Our pulling dents the tray on the door.

"Let's both hold Mum's tray, Gilly".

Remembering Ruby's sisterly kindness makes my heart ache.

Fight back, Gillian. Fight.

The cry I am now holding in is constricting my throat. My breath can't be released. My chest is tightening, I can't stop wheezing.

Breathe Gillian, it's 2024. Breathe

Okay... what would Ruby do?

I feel a cold calculated calmness... What would Ruby do now?

My legs are stretching me up, I know what Ruby would do.

Balancing the plates on the tray, I stride out of the kitchen.

I'm moving quickly. Fast. Confidently... I am here.

"Food is served"

The room falls to silence.

They are all looking at me.

They are all silenced by The Stain.

My eyes lock with Ruby's.

"I decided, I will stay".

THE END