The Sobriety Clause

Marcus stared at the email from HR. The subject line read: "Mandatory Holiday Party Attendance - Updated Policy."

He scrolled through the corporate jargon until he reached the new clause:

"In light of recent incidents, employees must demonstrate professional sobriety to attend the annual holiday party. However, attendance is mandatory for all staff. To prove sobriety and gain entry, employees must present themselves at the venue entrance for evaluation. Those who appear intoxicated will be denied entry and marked absent, resulting in disciplinary action."

Marcus rubbed his temples. This was Carol's doing—Carol from Legal, who'd made a scene at last year's party by photocopying her bottom seventeen times and leaving them in the CEO's briefcase.

The paradox crystallized in his brain: To attend the mandatory party, he had to arrive sober. But the only way to endure the mandatory party was to arrive drunk.

By 6 PM, the hotel lobby had transformed into a bureaucratic nightmare. Sharon from HR stood at a folding table with a clipboard and what appeared to be a breathalyzer.

"Marcus!" she chirped. "Step right up for your sobriety evaluation!"

He exhaled into the device. It beeped green.

"Excellent! You may enter." She stamped his hand with a candy cane.

Inside, the party was exactly what he'd feared: tinsel, forced merriment, and the CEO's daughter's jazz band playing what might have been "Jingle Bells" if you were charitable. Marcus grabbed a whiskey from the bar.

Twenty minutes later, Carol stumbled up to him, clearly pre-gamed. "How'd you get in?" she slurred.

"I came sober."

"But you're drinking now."

"The rule is about entry, not staying."

Carol's eyes widened with the recognition of someone who'd found a loophole. "You're a genius." She turned to leave, presumably to get drunker outside and attempt re-entry, but Sharon materialized like a corporate specter.

"Carol, you're already inside. Once cleared, you remain cleared."

"But I'm drunk now."

"That's irrelevant. You were sober when evaluated."

"So I can stay?"

"You must stay. Attendance is mandatory."

Marcus watched this exchange with growing horror. He needed another drink to process it.

By 8 PM, the party had split into two factions: the Pre-Gaming Rebels who'd arrived drunk and were now locked outside in the cold, laughing and staring through the windows, and the Sober Prisoners inside who were desperately trying to achieve the drunkenness required to tolerate the event while being congratulated by Sharon for their "responsible choices."

The locked-out group had built a small fire in a trash can and were singing carols. Marcus could see them through the window, roasting marshmallows someone had produced from their purse. They looked happy. Free.

"If I leave now," Marcus asked Sharon, "can I come back?"

"No. Entry is one-time only."

"But attendance is mandatory."

"Yes, which is why you shouldn't leave."

"What if I need to use the bathroom?"

"There's one inside."

Marcus looked at the outdoor rebels again. They'd found a boom box. Someone was dancing.

He made a decision. He downed his whiskey, walked to the entrance, and stepped outside into the December cold.

Sharon's voice crackled through a walkie-talkie someone had given her, apparently: "Marcus Chen has voluntarily exited. Marking as absent. Disciplinary action pending."

"Worth it," Marcus said, joining the circle around the trash fire.

Angie, shivering outside in her blazer, handed him a flask. "Welcome to the real party."

"How'd you get out here?"

"Never made it in. Failed the breathalyzer. Tried to sober up with coffee, but they said I'd 'missed my window of evaluation.'"

"So you're marked absent?"

"Yep. You too now."

Inside, Marcus could see Sharon trying to herd the remaining employees into a mandatory conga line. Outside, someone had started a snowball fight.

The next morning, Marcus found another email. The subject: "Re: Holiday Party Attendance Clarification."

"After review, we've determined that being marked absent for non-attendance is only valid if you were absent. Employees who were present but exited, or who were present outside the venue during party hours, are in violation of both attendance and non-attendance policies simultaneously. We're not sure what this means legally. Carol from Legal is unavailable for comment as she's been placed on administrative leave. Please disregard all previous party-related communications. Also, we're canceling next year's party. Happy Holidays."

Marcus smiled and deleted the email.

Some paradoxes, he thought, were best left unresolved.